- If you've ever been lied to
or been betrayed in a relationship,
it can be really tough when you start dating again
to get over that feeling of
how do I know if I can trust this person again?
And so, today I'm gonna give you five signs
that you can trust your man
and these same five signs are also
what builds the trust in the relationship.
Check it out.
(bright music)
Hey there, this is Mat Boggs,
the founder of the Love and Relationship Division
of the Brave Thinking Institute
where our mission is "Empowering people
to create a life they love,"
and that includes your love life.
So if you like this video, take a moment,
get subscribed, click that little bell,
because every week we bring you videos
to empower you and your love life.
And this topic comes from a conversation
I was having with my dad,
who is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist,
been practicing for decades.
He's seen over 50,000 couples,
and we were talking about trust and what creates trust,
and he shared with me five things that he's not only found,
but had been backed up by research,
such as Dr. John Gottman
and a bunch of other great experts and researchers.
And so, these five signs are things that you can look for
if you have a new budding relationship
and you feel like part of you is holding back,
part of you is like,
oh, I don't know if I should trust someone again.
Know this, trust isn't something
that you give to somebody else.
Trust is something that's earned.
And the way it's earned is by the repetition
of these five things over and over again throughout time.
And so, you give someone little opportunities
to earn your trust.
They earn that trust, you give them a little more
and a little more and a little more.
And it's like growing an Oak tree.
You plant that little acorn,
starts as a little seedling,
and eventually it grows.
It becomes stronger and stronger and stronger.
And that's how trust is.
And so, the first key to building trust
is listening and responding.
When you're dating someone,
are they listening to you and are they responding
or are they just waiting for their turn to talk?
Is it all about them?
Are they interested in you?
They're asking questions, hearing what you're saying,
and then validating your experience like,
"Oh man, that must be really tough."
Do they connect with you?
Are you feeling understood in a relationship?
This is really the foundation,
the first foundation of building trust
is listening and then responding.
Number two is remembering what's important.
So along with listening and responding,
do they remember what's important to you?
You've got a big presentation coming up
and you're talking about a few days before.
Do they remember?
Or maybe a family member passes away
or they're going through some health challenges.
Do they remember that?
Do they text you and say,
"Hey, I'm just holding energy for you,
"sending prayers to your family member or to you."
Things like that.
Things that really matter to you.
Your diet.
If you're a pescatarian,
are they taking you to a steakhouse?
Are they remembering what matters to you?
This reminds me of an episode of "This Is Us,"
my wife and I love the show,
but there's a character in the show, his name his Randall,
and he has his 20 year career with his company,
but he's starting to feel like maybe he needs to move on,
and on his anniversary, I think it's his 20th anniversary,
they send him a big crate of avocados.
Only, Randall's allergic to avocados
and he's told them that he's allergic to avocados,
but they just didn't remember in that moment,
send him this crate of avocados,
and that was his sign that, "Yep, I need to move on.
They don't know me.
They don't care about me."
So does he remember what's important to you?
That's a great part of building trust,
and a great sign that if he does,
this is the guy that you can begin to trust more and more.
Number three is being open and honest.
When you're with him,
do you feel like he's open and honest about his life,
about his past, about his dreams,
about things that are going on?
Or do you feel like there's parts that he's hiding?
You're not really getting the full story.
So here's the deal.
You have an incredible intuition.
You have an amazing sense of what's honest
and what's true and what's not.
And you may not consciously know it,
but you will feel that something's off
if he's not giving you the full story.
So if you feel like something is off,
trust that feeling in yourself, ask him about it.
Get the full story.
If he's not willing to give you the full story,
then he's not being open and honest
and that's not building trust in the relationship.
For example, why haven't you met his parents yet?
What's the story there?
What's going on?
Why haven't you met his friends yet?
Are there parts of his life, his inner circle,
that he's not letting you into?
That's a great sign that this man is hiding something.
He's not being fully open and honest with you.
On the other hand,
the guy who is open and honest with you, you feel it.
There's a part of your nervous system that just relaxes
because you know you're getting the full story.
Number four is keeping agreements,
and this is the bedrock of every great relationships.
Great relationships are based on making
and then keeping agreements.
And so, I want to talk to you about a middle ground
that's a bit squishy
and this is where people get caught up.
On one hand, you keep an agreement.
On the other hand, an agreement gets broken.
He says he's gonna call at a certain time, he doesn't call.
He says he's gonna show up for something.
He said, Hey, after the date,
I'll text you, he doesn't text you.
That's breaking an agreement.
The middle ground is where he's got an amazing excuse.
It just makes perfect sense like,
oh, I lost my phone and this is what was going on,
and it's believable.
And you're like, yeah, okay, that makes sense,
and you're not an unreasonable person,
so you're like, well, I want to be cool.
I want to be flexible.
I want to go with the flow.
And so, you buy into the excuse
and then give him another chance
and then he breaks another agreement.
Doesn't follow through again.
When you start to see a pattern like that,
know this, the graveyard of good excuses
is where relationships go to die.
How do I know?
Because I've lived those relationships.
I was with a woman I thought was gonna marry.
I was head over heels for her,
and yet, she could not follow through on her word,
and it was always some incredible excuse.
Oh, my mom needed my help.
Someone got sick and was in the hospital.
I'd lost my phone.
I mean, it was every single time,
it was some dramatic, but really good excuse.
And after awhile, I was like, I don't believe her anymore.
And the truth was, she wasn't being honest with me.
And so, I ended up ending that relationship
and it was the best move that I ever did
because it created space for me to meet my wife today.
Who's amazing, and what's funny is
when you go through an experience like that
where people aren't keeping their agreements,
and then you find somebody who is,
it's like a breath of fresh air.
I can remember starting to date my wife,
and she's like, yeah, I'll call you at seven,
and like I was out of this other relationship
and I was wondering is she actually gonna call?
And seven o'clock comes around and she calls,
and I'm like, you're amazing.
She's actually following through.
This is amazing.
And it becomes so easy to be with someone
who follows through on their agreements.
And again, that's the bedrock of trust.
So making and keeping agreements.
If he does, that's how you know
you can begin to trust him more and more.
And the fifth sign that you can trust him
is build each other up.
Does he build you up?
Does he have your back?
Does he believe in you, tell you that you can do it,
tell you to go for it and build you up
in front of other people more importantly?
Or is he criticizing you?
Is he telling you what's wrong with you?
Is he telling you those pants don't look good on you?
Is he telling you that you're doing it wrong?
Is there a vibe of criticism in the relationship
or a vibe of complimenting, praising,
building each other up?
That building each other up
is incredibly important for trust
because you've got to be able to trust
that someone's gonna have your back.
Life is hard enough with all the challenges coming our way.
Life is hard enough with our own inner critic.
We don't need someone else being the inner critic.
Is your man your champion?
Does he believe in you?
Does he prop you up?
Does he tell you you're beautiful and you're sexy
and you look great and you'll do great and you can succeed
and "You've got this, babe?"
All of those things are great signs
that he's in your corner,
and when a man is in your corner,
he wants you to win.
He's gonna do everything in his power to help you win,
and that's the kind of guy that you can count on,
that's the kind of man that you can trust.
So my question for you is what have you discovered?
What are the signs you found that you can trust a man?
Go ahead and post that in the comment section below.
And know this, as you build on these five practices,
you are building a rock solid relationship.
I appreciate you.
Thanks for watching.
I'll see you soon.
(bright music)