-Our next guest has her new stand-up special, "Menoplause,"
available for pre-order on Apple TV.
Please welcome the very funny Jackie Fabulous!
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-Whoo!
Ah.
Aw. Sit down, sit down, sit down.
I'm getting married in September.
Yay!
[ Cheers and applause ]
And in the beginning, we were together all the time.
He was really romantic when lockdown started.
He was like, "Do you have any idea
how beautiful your smile is?"
After about two years, he's like,
"Are those all your real teeth?"
He's a jealous guy. I let him know like, "Look.
We're gonna be together all the time.
But you should know when the world opens up...
I'm always surrounded by men.
45, 50 years old and up. Attractive.
Are you gonna be okay with that?"
And he was like, "Jackie, I'm not gonna lie.
I'm worried when you go back to work
I might not be enough for you.
You might cheat on me with one of your friends."
I said, "You think if I get a guy on the side,
he'll be another 50-year-old man?"
If I get a guy on the side,
he gonna be half your age, you fool."
Hav-- [ Laughs ]
[ Applause ]
Oh.
Having two boyfriends that are both 50?
That's like having two part-time jobs
and they're both at Chipotle.
[ Laughter ]
We go back and forth about exercise, you know.
He's in shape. I'm a shape.
And he wants us to work out, exercise, be the track --
matching track-suit couple.
And I would rather die. Because I'm sparing him.
When I lose any amount of weight, I become unbearable.
I look in the mirror, I see Halle Berry.
I'm also an actor.
I got to find confidence someplace, right?
I joined a weight-loss program two years ago
and lost like 70 pounds on this weight-loss program, right?
And I gained it back. Put your hand down, sir.
I gained it back. That's not the point.
The point is, when I first joined,
I was down 2 pounds right away.
But the problem was, I thought I was J.Lo.
You know how you lose 2 pounds? You're like, "Oh, my God.
You can barely see me! I'm wasting away!"
I looked exactly the same. And I was dating a fat guy.
It doesn't matter, but I was dating a fatty.
So, look, I'm down 2 pounds.
I can't be seen with a fat guy anymore.
And he's like, "Why can't you be with a fatty?"
"You're huge. You can barely see me.
I can't be with a fat guy."
And he's like "Yeah, I'm a fat guy,
but I have a big penis and I pay for everything.
What else do you need?"
"Nothing. My bad. Sorry!
[ Laughter ]
Oh. Love you!
You know I talk crazy when I'm hungry. Hey."
[ Laughter ]
The love of my life. He's from New York.
I used to live in California for 20 years.
I just figured out who our mayor was. Mayor Adams.
I bought a car.
Not on the subway anymore. And I'm scared.
[ Laughter ]
And Mayor Adams has a plan
that I read online to combat all this crime, right?
And I'm like -- it wasn't a joke.
There was no LOL. It was his real plan.
Here's Mayor Adams' plan. Alright?
He said there will be no more smoking on the subway.
There will be no more sleeping on the subway.
There will be no more doing drugs on the subway.
There will be no more doing barbecues on the subway.
Who in the hell is barbecuing on the damn subway? Who?!
[ Laughter and applause ]
Show yourselves.
[ Applause ]
And my question, Mayor Adams, was that the last straw?
Was that why you decided you wanted to have a plan
to combat all of the crime?
'Cause, look, there is a lot of violence on the train,
but let's -- what if we just try and have barbecues
and get rid of all the violence?
Wouldn't you want to see a big Black lady
on the train making ribs?
I would.
Be hungry after all that,
you know, sleeping and robbing and smoking and stuff.
Need a snack.
I'm better suited to be in New York, though. My personality.
In California, I got accused of being too blunt.
California is what you think it is.
It's all about kale and horoscopes.
That's what California's about. Right?
And I had my handful of bags going to my car.
This lady's like, "Will you please sign
our petition for animal rights?"
I said, "Animals?"
Flipped her off and I walked away, okay?
If you love animals, you're doing a great job.
I don't have time to fight for animals.
Animals, Black people, Black women, women.
That's a long list. I don't got that kind of time, okay?
I can't do it because I am a Black woman.
I'm full-figured. I'm divorced.
I still want to have a baby at my age.
How? You know, I don't know.
I grow one hair out of this nipple
that when I pull it out on Monday,
it's back to this again on Tuesday.
How?
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Every time I laugh or sneeze, a little bit of pee comes out.
Yay. I'm horny all the time. Don't know why.
I look pregnant no matter what I have on.
And this is not a baby. This is gravy and frosting.
I don't know what this is.
And the most fun that I'm having,
I grow a goatee every three days.
Got to hell with your petition, ma'am.
Who's fighting for my rights?
I don't have time to help you and the animals of America.
[ Applause ]
[ Laughs ]
Ah. I'm Jackie Fabulous. Thank you, guys, so much.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-Frosting. Gravy and frosting. -[ Laughs ]
-Jackie Fabulous!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Preorder "Menoplause," now on Apple TV!