I was invited to a frat party late last year.
I went 'cause I'd never been. I was excited.
It was during rush week.
I wanted to see some rush, some hazing.
I saw some, and it was lame. I was disappointed.
All they did was make the pledges drink, that's it.
They would randomly be, like, "Pledges, drink up!"
And all these guys were drinking.
I was, like, "That's it?
"That's all you're gonna do?
"You don't want to see what they're willing to go through
to be frat brothers?"
God, that made me wish I was a frat boy so bad.
Just to be that eccentric one who only comes out
of his room during rush week.
Only comes out to (bleep) with their heads.
You know, like, "All right, pledges, line up! Line up!
"Y'all want to be Sigma Nigma Nu?!
"Let's see if you got what it takes!
"You, here's a case of warm beer. You know the drill.
"Drink-drink-drink-drink!
"You, dip your scrotum in this fishbowl
"full of angry scorpions.
"You... count to 40 out loud.
"You... go out back-- there's a kiddy pool
"full of heroin-addict piss. Bathe in it.
"You... e-mail your favorite cousin.
"Just say hi.
"You... force your grandmother
"to watch this (bleep) film with you
"on Easter Sunday whilst you eat Cadbury eggs together.
(audience groans)
"You... take a nap right now.
"Power nap, bitch, no pillow.
"You... siphon-start that sumo wrestler's enema.
(audience groans)
"You... just hang out. You're cool.
"Sigma Nigma Nu Nu! Sigma Nigma Nu Nu!
"Sigma Nigma Nu Nu!
"Sigma Nigma Nu-Nu-Nu!
(hysterical voice): "Nu Nu, Nu-Nu-Nu!
"A Sigma Nigma Nu Nu! Nu-Nu-Nu-Nu.
"A Sigma Nigma Nu Nu! A Nu Nu! A Nu Nu!
"A Sigma Nigma Nu Nu baby! (giggles)
"A Sigma Nigma Nu Nu baby!
"A boy? A Sigma Nigma Nu Ni boy?
"A Sigma Nu Ni boy?
(normal voice): "A man! A Sigma Nigma Nu Nu man!
"A Sigma Nigma Nu Nuni responsibility,
"integrity, leadership.
"That's the handshake, pledge!
"Learn it!
"Only one of you made it, obviously.
"The guy who drank. He's in.
The rest of you are weird."
Oh, let's get it on, people.
To you, you know?
(cheering, applause)
Hey, on the rare occasion I am in the gym,
you ever see the guy who's, like...?
"Ah!
Ah! Ah!"
It's, like, "What are you, a dragon?
(bleep) wrong with you?"
That's vodka, by the way.
Can you imagine if this were vodka
and I just chugged that much of it?
This set would end
in a completely different manner than I...
I would suddenly be, like,
(slurring): "Okay, okay, you want a funny joke?
"Okay, I got a funny joke for you.
"Love isn't real. (laughs)
(sobs softly)
"You know what she said to me?
"You know what she said to me? You know what she said?
"She said, 'I can't be with anyone right now.'
"Oh, I didn't know I was just anyone.
"I thought we were soul mates.
"It's my fault. It's my fault.
"I opened, I opened myself up to her.
"I said, 'That's me. That's how I work.
"'That's my heart. You want to touch it?
"Want to touch my heart?'
"She goes, 'Uh-huh.'
"Took it. Took it away from me.
"Kept it. Used it as a paperweight.
"Used it as a doorstop.
"Used it to knead pizza dough.
"Met another guy, right?
"And he was, like, 'You want to have sex?'
"And she was, like, 'Of course I do. I'm a whore.'
"And he, and he goes, 'Well, I don't have a condom.'
"And she goes, 'Well, here, just use Sean's heart as a condom.
"It works great around the house.'
(voice breaks): "And he did! That's what he did!
"He put my heart on his (bleep) like a prophylactic,
"and he had sex with her!
"And he (bleep)... He (bleep) my heart.
"Did my heart bust on him like a dirty old condom?
"No, it did not.
"'Cause it's a strong heart. It's reliable.
"It got, it got pregnant.
"It got pregnant and it wanted to keep the baby.
"'Cause it's a loving heart full of nurtureness.
"But she was, like, 'No!'
"And she punched my heart in its stomach
"till it had a miscarriage.
"So now my heart's psychologically damaged
"wandering around truck stops
giving aorta jobs for five dollars a pop."
(sobbing)
Fortunately this is just water.
Unfortunately all of that was true.