[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] AMERICANS ARE STILL PROTESTING
DONALD TRUMP'S PRESIDENCY. WITH MORE ON THIS, HERE'S PETE
DAVIDSON. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> PETE, YOU HAVE SOME FANS. HOW ARE YOU DOING, PETE?
>> PRETTY BAD, COLIN, DOING PRETTY BAD.
>> REALLY? >> YEAH.
>> OH, WELL I KNOW A LOT OF THE PEOPLE ARE UPSET ABOUT THIS
ELECTION. BUT THEY ENDED UP LEGALIZING
WEED IN A COUPLE OF STATES. THAT'S GOT TO CHEER YOU UP,
RIGHT? >> IT SHOULD.
BUT NO IT'S RUINED WEED FOR ME FOREVER.
DONALD TRUMP BEING PRESIDENT IS SOMETHING I USED TO SAY WHEN I
WAS HIGH AND LAUGH AT HOW CRAZY IT IS.
AND I'M HIGH RIGHT NOW AND IT IS NOT FUNNY.
[ LAUGHTER ] THEY SAID, GIVE TRUMP A CHANCE.
AND THE FIRST THING HE DID IS HIRE A CHIEF STRATEGIST WHO
EVERYBODY IS SAYING HATES JEWS. THEY SAID, "NO, BANNON DOESN'T
HATE JEWISH PEOPLE, HE'S WORKED ALONGSIDE THEM."
YEAH, AND MEL GIBSON DID FOUR "LETHAL WEAPONS" WITH
DANNY GLOVER. THAT PROVES NOTHING.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> DO YOU THINK THERE COULD BE
ANY UPSIDE TO TRUMP BEING PRESIDENT?
>> YEAH, HE'LL PROBABLY REDUCE CRIME IN THE REAL ESTATE
BUSINESS BY NO LONGER WORKING IN THE REAL ESTATE BUSINESS.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ] >> WHAT DO YOU THINK THE WORST
PART OF HIM BEING PRESIDENT'S GOING TO BE?
>> NOW ANYONE THINKS THEY COULD RUN FOR OFFICE.
EVEN KANYE THINKS HE CAN BE PRESIDENT.
HE'S BEEN SAYING HE LOVES TRUMP, AND IS GOING TO RUN AGAINST HIM.
LIKE HE HEARD PEOPLE SAYING THIS WAS THE GREATEST THREAT
AMERICA'S EVER FACED AND HE WAS LIKE, "NO, I'M THE GREATEST!"
[ LAUGHTER ] WE AS A COUNTRY NEED TO AGREE
THAT IF IT ISN'T OVER A SICK BEAT WE DON'T WANT TO LISTEN TO
ANYTHING KANYE WEST HAS TO SAY EVER AGAIN.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] LET'S BE CLEAR.
I'M NOT INNOCENT. I'VE SAID SOME KANYE-LIKE STUFF.
LIKE, A FEW WEEKS AGO I GOT IN A LITTLE TROUBLE BECAUSE I SAID
SOME THINGS ABOUT MY HOMETOWN, OUR HOMETOWN, STATEN ISLAND.
I WAS JUST KIDDING AROUND WHEN I SAID, HURRICANE SANDY SHOULD
HAVE FINISHED THE JOB. [ AUDIENCE OHS ]
[ LAUGHTER ] YEAH.
PEOPLE WERE MAD. BUT TO BE FAIR I WAS RAISED
THERE. YOU KNOW?
SO STATEN ISLAND SHOULD KIND OF SHARE SOME OF THE BLAME.
IT WAS A PRETTY STATEN ISLAND THING TO SAY.
[ LAUGHTER ] AND I WAS GOING TO APOLOGIZE, I
THEN SAW THIS. THIS IS HOW THE FIVE BOROUGHS OF
NEW YORK VOTED. YOU SEE THAT BIG RED OPEN WOUND?
THAT'S STATEN ISLAND. THE HERPES OF BOROUGHS.
[ LAUGHTER ] NOW DO YOU SEE WHY I CAN'T STAND
US? THIS IS WHAT I REALLY WANTED TO
SAY. I KNOW A LOT OF YOU ARE UPSET,
SCARED AND SAD, MYSELF INCLUDED. TO EVERYONE FEELING THAT WAY
I THINK IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT TO HOLD ON TO THAT RAGE AND HOLD ON
TO YOUR ANGER AND FRUSTRATION AND LET IT BUILD AND BUILD SO
YOU CAN RELEASE IT AT THE EXACT RIGHT MOMENT.
THANKSGIVING. [ LAUGHTER ]
YOUR FAMILY WANTED TRUMP? THIS IS WHAT THEY'RE GOING TO
HEAR THE WHOLE ENTIRE DAY. HEY, GRANDPA!
CAN YOU TAKE A SECOND AWAY FROM LOVING HITLER TO PASS THE
POTATOES? HEY, I CAN'T WAIT TO PLAY OUR
ANNUAL GAME OF SHEETS VERSUS SKINS.
[ LAUGHTER ] AND I'LL BE ON THE FRONT LINES,
BECAUSE I'M HAVING THANKSGIVING IN STATEN ISLAND.
>> PETE DAVIDSON, EVERYONE. >> I WAS RIGHT!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> "PEOPLE" MAGAZINE'S SEXIEST MAN ALIVE IS DWAYNE "THE ROCK"
JOHNSON. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
HE ONCE AGAIN BEAT HIS LONG-TIME RIVAL DWAYNE "THE SCISSORS"
JOHNSON. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> THAT WAS BAD. PRESIDENT OBAMA THIS WEEK
CRITICIZED THE SPREAD OF FAKE NEWS ON SOCIAL MEDIA.
BUT CAN WE REALLY TRUST A GUY WHO'S ALSO A SECRET GAY ALIEN?
[ LAUGHTER ] >> GOOD POINT, MAN.
>> SCIENTISTS HAVE DISCOVERED A SPECIES OF MILLIPEDE THAT HAS
FOUR OF ITS LEGS MODIFIED TO ACT AS PENISES.
AND WE ACTUALLY HAVE SOME FOOTAGE OF THE ANIMAL, LET'S
TAKE A LOOK. >> OW, OW, OW.
OW, OW, OW. OW, OW, OOH!
[ LAUGHTER ] >> A NEO-NAZI HAS DECLARED NEW
BALANCE THE OFFICIAL SHOES OF WHITE PEOPLE.
BUT IF NEW BALANCE IS THE OFFICIAL SHOES OF WHITE PEOPLE,
THEN WHAT ARE CROCS? [ LAUGHTER ]
>> A MAN ON AN AFRICAN SAFARI FELL OFF OF A HORSE WHILE BEING
CHASED BY A LION. "WELL, THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE,"
SAID THE HORSE. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> THE DATING APP TINDER >> THE DATING APP TINDER
ANNOUNCED A NEW FEATURE WHICH GIVES USERS 37 DIFFERENT GENDER
IDENTITY OPTIONS. IT'S CALLED, "WHY DEMOCRATS LOST
THE ELECTION." [ LAUGHTER ]
[ LAUGHTER ] >> THURSDAY IS THANKSGIVING.
I FOR ONE AM REALLY NOT LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.
BUT HERE TO CHEER ME UP IS THE MOST OPTIMISTIC GUY I KNOW, MY
NEIGHBOR WILLIE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> HOW ARE YOU DOING? OH, I JUST LOVE THANKSGIVING.
MY WHOLE FAMILY GETTING TOGETHER, SITTING AROUND THE
TABLE, GIVING ME AN ULTIMATUM TO QUIT DRINKING.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> THAT SOUNDS TERRIBLE, MAN.
>> OH, FAMILY TIME IS THE BEST PART OF THANKSGIVING, MICHAEL.
REMINDS ME OF WHEN I WAS A LITTLE BOY.
ME AND MY COUSINS GOING TO OUR GRANDPARENTS' HOUSE.
SNEAKING A SIP OF WARM, SPICY CIDER FROM MY GRANDDADDY'S
BEDPAN. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> DUDE! >> BOY DO I MISS MY GRANNY'S
COOKING. YOU WOULD HAVE LOVED HER FAMOUS
PECAN PIE. THAT CRUST WAS SO FLAKY, PECANS
SO JUICY. YOU CAN BARELY TASTE THE LEGS.
I CAN STILL HEAR GRANDMAMA NOW. THERE'S ROACHES IN THAT PIE,
WILLIE! >> THAT'S DISGUSTING.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> OOH!
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE WATCHING FOOTBALL ON THANKSGIVING DAY,
MICHAEL? IT REMINDS ME OF WHEN I'D WATCH
THE GAME ON TV WITH MY DADDY. HE'D POINT TO THE SCREEN AND
SAY, "SON, YOU SEE THAT MAN RUNNING WITH THE BALL?
THAT'S O.J. SIMPSON. HE HAD SEX WITH YOUR MAMA AND
ONE DAY I'M GOING TO FRAME HIM FOR MURDER."
[ LAUGHTER ] >> COME ON, MAN!
>> WELL, I MEAN, SURE. I MAY NOT LIVE A LIFE OF LUXURY.
MAYBE I DON'T HAVE A COAT OR TOENAILS.
[ LAUGHTER ] BUT I DO HAVE SOMETHING THAT
NOBODY CAN EVER TAKE AWAY FROM ME.
>> WHAT'S THAT? >> OUTSTANDING WARRANTS.
[ LAUGHTER ] LET ME TELL YOU, MICHAEL.
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE THAT MACY'S PARADE AGAIN.
YOU EVER GO THERE AS A KID? >> I HAVE, ACTUALLY.
>> YOU SEE ALL THOSE BIG, PRETTY BALLOONS?
I REMEMBER EVERY THANKSGIVING MY UNCLE JOE WOULD SHOW ME WOODY
WOODPECKER. THEN HE'D ZIP UP HIS PANTS AND
DRIVE ME DOWN TO THE PARADE. [ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
>> YEAH, MAN. I REALLY CAN'T RELATE TO ANY OF
THIS STUFF, WILLIE. >> YOU KNOW WHO REALLY LOVES
THANKSGIVING. OH MY OWN DOG LUCIUS.
EVERY YEAR I TAKE HIM TO THE TURKEY FARM TO PLAY WITH THE
TURKEYS. YOU SHOULD SEE HIM JUST
WRESTLING AND TUMBLING, FEATHERS FLYING EVERYWHERE.
IF YOU LISTEN REAL CLOSE IT ALMOST SOUNDS LIKE OLD LUCIUS IS
DEFINITELY CRYING FOR HELP. BUT IT'S LIKE THEY ALWAYS SAY,
MICHAEL. THOSE TURKEYS IS RUNNING A TRAIN
ON YOUR DOG, WILLIE! >> MY NEIGHBOR WILLIE,
EVERYBODY! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE" I'M MICHAEL CHE!
>> I'M COLIN JOST, GOOD NIGHT! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪♪♪