- I'm just running away from the police right now
because I did something illegal.
(upbeat jazzy music)
- Today we are here and we're playing
Grand Theft Auto Five
without breaking any laws.
- I'm just so, it's ingrained in me to, like,
obey the law and, like, not run people over.
- I don't think the game is set up for that.
- I'm fully expecting this to be very difficult.
- If a person's jaywalking and I run them over
does that, like, cancel it out
since that person was breaking the law?
- I'm not gonna walk to my destination
and I need to do a grand theft auto
so it's kind of like the premise of the whole thing.
- Fun activities.
See a movie.
- Get a haircut.
- Go to the fair.
- Go to the strip club.
I do spend a lot of time in the strip club in this game.
In fact, like, trying to get all of the strippers' numbers
was, like, my main goal the first time I played this.
(siren)
- Not breaking any laws.
I'm a law-abiding citizen.
Gotta
look both ways,
hopefully I won't get a jaywalking ticket.
(beep)
We're good.
- Is this even?
I don't know if this is my...
I think this is my car, so that's great,
that's already going well.
- Oh, shit, do I have to stop at red lights and what?
Oh, god.
God damn it.
- That car looks nice.
(beep)
This didn't count.
- Gonna look to the left and then look to the right
before I turn right.
- (grunts)
(laughs) This is the worst.
- Let's do the movie theater, I guess.
It looks closer than the barber shop.
- I think maybe I'll get my hair cut?
Get, like, cute for the strip club later.
- What am I gonna do?
Let's just go to the barber shop.
- Okay, well, I'm gonna go.
Intersection looks clear, so
(beep)
just pretend that didn't happen.
- I had to, uh, take an online driver's course
that was, like, ten hours
and this is what, this is worse, honestly.
- This is fine.
This is fun, it's like,
oh, it's like driving.
Oh jeez, okay, okay, I was stopped
paying attention for a sec.
(beep)
- That was just out of frustration, to be honest.
(beep).
(beep)
Oh, oh God, oh, oh, shit.
(laughs) Oh, shit.
- [Woman Character] I can't have the cops in here again.
- Oh, again?
- Okay, we're just gonna pretend traffic lights
(beep)
aren't a thing right now.
- Stupid garbage truck.
Oh, he's getting garbage all over the place.
Somebody should really do something.
I bet it smells terrible.
At least I can't smell it.
- Now I can't get my hair cut.
(beep)
Oh my God.
That was his fault.
(beep)
He came into my zone.
- I think we're about to complete the first task.
Watch the movie, 20 dollars per person,
not sneaking in, I will pay the fare.
Task one: complete.
- Am I gonna kill that guy?
I could, but I'm not gonna.
And I'm at the barber shop.
Oh, it's a fancy barber shop.
I can't afford any of these haircuts
'cause it's Beverly Hills.
Do I need to rob somebody?
To get me haircut?
Is this a fail?
(beep)
- I don't think running red lights
is that big of a crime.
- Still at a red light.
This is ridiculous.
(beep)
Oh no, shit!
Ahh!
- I'm not gonna knock this door.
I really wanna knock that door off.
It's fine.
Alright, this is less fun
when you aren't running people over.
- See, look at this, I'm a model citizen.
I'm parking at the meter.
- I'm waiting at a cross-walk right now.
There's people totally crossing
when the walks light isn't on
but I'm gonna wait until it says walk.
- I just realized I have stars in my head.
Who, who made this decision?
- I think I'm into the stars
'cause I'm a star.
- Somebody, I know somebody in the video did this
and they were like,
"You know what, I'm gonna put stars in his head."
Don't, don't put stars, don't do that.
(ding)
- Oh my God, it changed!
(laughs)
I did it, I'm legally crossing the street.
Oh, that was really exciting,
like more than it should have been.
- We're looking fresh, got a new hair cut, saw a movie,
hit some poles.
- Do I not have enough money?
Alright, I have 254 dollars, look at that.
- [Narrator] No masturbating.
- What the fuck?
- Ah, I did it, I'm watching a movie!
So I think that I should reward myself
with a trip to the strip club
because I have done a really good job
and it's legal fun.
- You know, this game just doesn't have the same charm
as when you're breaking the law.
Oops!
(beep)
Look, I avoided every single person on the pier.
That is totally legal.
- I should probably, like, take a taxi or something.
Yeah, I'ma do that.
- [Taxi Driver] Hey, my mom, where are you going?
- Don't, don't fuckin, don't, just,
chill man, just
(beep)
relax.
- Hey, buddy, can you push the button for me?
- That was an early turn
(beep)
it's fine, I'll make it up here.
Oh!
Oh, damn, okay.
If somebody hit my car in real life
I would definitely want them to come chat with me.
He doesn't seem very receptive to the idea, though,
so that's fine.
- [Character] Take that and put it in your ass.
Bring it, dickhead.
(beep)
Asshole!
(beep)
- Okay, so I just knocked out three people.
I was gonna kill each and every one of them
but let's not do that.
I'm just over here chilling, trying to get a haircut
because my hair looks dumb
and you over here calling me, you know...
I don't know what he called me.
He said, he said something.
All I know is that he needed to get his ass beat.
- Ah, it's yellow, it's still yellow,
it's still yellow, it's still yellow.
(beep)
Okay, their car looked fine
as I was driving past it
so I really think it's fine.
I mean, it's a, it's...
I broke the law, okay, I broke the law.
But I really needed to get to the strip club.
(beep)
- See ya.
(ding)
- Ah, Vanilla Unicorn.
Is this an alcohol bar or is it just (mumble).
- [Character] I'll take one of those.
- Ouu, they do serve alcohol.
I did have a shot of whiskey but it was just one.
Don't drink and drive.
(beep)
Don't drink and drive.
This is not real.
- I'ma cut on a beard.
Oh, she's cutting the hair from my head
and putting it on my face so
(ding)
that's a really good barber
or barb, barbstriss?
(beep)
- Oh, shit!
(beep)
Okay, this turning radius is, like,
even worse than the other one.
- There's not even any traffic coming.
Aww, there's a cable car, what?
(sighs)
- Wow, this pier that looks nothing at all
like Santa Monica pier
(ding)
is very nice.
- Was I supposed to get off there?
I was.
(beep)
That's, uh, that's illegal.
(beep)
I didn't like how they kind of pulled up on me.
(beep)
(laughs)
(beep)
(ding)
So that's the third task.
(laughs)
I think I broke, like, maybe one law,
you know, just one the whole time.
So, I'm a model citizen.
- Hm, no, I broke no laws.
- I mean it's just a frustrating game
and it really makes you wanna break the rules.
Like, the lights took forever
to cross the street,
which, in normal video games,
you don't think about, like, running across the street
as being against the rules.
- Like, why would you play this game that way?
Why?
It's so fun to hit people and to punch people
and start fights with people.
I think you should just play Grand Theft Auto
stealing cars and punching people.
(sirens)
(upbeat jazzy music)
- [Character] Shit, that hurt.