Hello Brains!
And Hearts!
When’s the last time you went on a date?
If you can’t remember...
I’m giving you homework.
When we first start getting close with somebody, it’s usually easy for ADHD brains to stay
focused, and even hyperfocus.
It’s new, exciting, challenging.
We spend tons of time thinking about them, texting them, trying not to text them, hanging
out with them.
But as time goes by, their presence becomes more routine, and reality sinks back in.
And we tend to get overwhelmed, distracted, and hyper focus on *other* things.
Things that are urgent (like Twitter) start to take priority over what’s really important
— our relationships.
This is a normal process.
It's just a bit more extreme for ADHDers.
Which is why it’s important to block out time for each other on a regular basis.
Regular date nights are a great way to do this.
But to be honest, a lot of traditional dates aren’t exactly ADHD friendly.
Movies require things like sitting still — and not talking — for extended periods of time.
Making reservations requires us to remember to make reservations
and also doesn’t leave a lot of room for spontaneity.
Also, restaurants are expensive.
That’s fine every once in awhile, but if we wanna make time for each other on a regular
basis, we’re gonna have to get creative.
Luckily, ADHD brains are creative.
So I reached out to this community on Facebook, Twitter, and Discord to ask what you found
fun for date nights —
and compiled 5 tips for making your next date ADHD friendly.
1.
Minimize distractions.
So...ADHD brains get distracted.
It doesn’t mean we don’t love you, it means we have brains that don’t filter out
extraneous stimuli very well.
So that loud TV behind you in the restaurant...we can’t tune it out.
If there’s laundry in our line of sight, if we get a text message, if we get a song
lyric stuck in our head, we get distracted.
This isn’t personal, it’s how our brains work.
Some distractions we can’t really do anything about, and some behaviors that can make us
look like we're distracted, like fidgeting or not making eye contact,
can actually help some neurodiverse brains be more present, not less.
But if we’re trying to bond with the person we love,
we can help our brains out by *minimizing* things that are truly distracting.
If you have to go to a distracting environment like a restaurant with TVs everywhere, try
to get a table facing a wall.
If there’s something nagging that needs to get done, put it out of sight or take care
of it ahead of time.
Put your phone on do not disturb.
if there are things that are going to pull you out of the date like talking about work
or the kids, agree to put those on hold just for the evening.
This is our chance to create space for our relationship.
The internet and our responsibilities will still be there when we’re done.
That said, we probably will still get distracted.
When that happens, the best way to handle it just to treat it like meditation.
Bring that wandering attention back.
If you think of something you absolutely need to get done, write it down so you don’t
forget it, and then get back to your date.
Being present with your person is usually more impactful than getting it done right
away.
2.
Make it active
If you or your partner have trouble sitting still on dates, make it so you don’t have
to.
This is especially important for the hyperactive types, but it's even helpful for the inattentive
types --
because when we move our bodies, we flood our brains with neurotransmitters that help
us relax & focus.
Some ideas from the community?
Go axe throwing.
Take a walk on the beach.
Bounce on trampolines at a trampoline park!
Mini golf.
Go ice skating!
Go bowling.
Go to the gym together.
Drive go karts!
There are lots of ways to make a date active, but know yourself and your partner and choose
the activity level that’s best for you and your individual preferences and limitations.
If they’re different, consider combining them.
My parents used to go on bike rides;
my dad would ride a regular bike, and my mom who has a physical disability would ride a
motoscooter.
It was really sweet.
3.
Make it interactive.
Interactive dates, where we don’t passively enjoy something, but we actually interact
with it, are more engaging to our brains, so it's easier to stay present.
They can also give us a chance to see how we handle challenges and work together as
a team, which is an important part of any relationship’s success, but is especially
important in ADHD relationships.
Check out this video for more on that.
So,
Solve puzzles together in an escape room.
Play board games.
Paint some pottery.
Or some minis!
Listen to an audiobook together while knitting or crafting.
Play B-movie bingo!
If you’re going to dinner, try fondue or Korean BBQ so there’s something for you
to do rather than just wait for the food to arrive.
Download the app “card decks” and take turns asking each other questions.
You can also look up conversation starters online and try those.
“Is a hot dog a sandwich?
Why or why not?”
Basically, as one brain puts it, don't just go on a date, make it a “doooo-date.”
No?
Kay.
Moving on.
4.
Make it adventurous.
This taps into the ADHD need for novelty and allows our impulsivity to shine.
Go on a hiking adventure someplace neither person has been before.
Try geocaching!
I had never heard of this before several of the brains recommended it but now I really
want to try it.
It’s basically a giant treasure hunt.
One of the brains suggests going shopping for greeting cards together, handing them
to each other in the store, then kissing and putting them back.
Or, try a thrift store challenge.
Challenge your partner to find something useable that reminds them of your relationship.
Go on a culinary quest and try the same dish at a bunch of restaurants looking for the
best one.
Everyone’s idea of adventure (and budget) is a bit different, so check in with your
partner and see what kind of adventure sounds fun to them.
And then, have fun!
Go explore.
Finally,
5.
Tap into their curiosity.
Most ADHDers love to learn, at least about things we’re interested in.
So dates that tap into our curiosity can also be a great choice.
One of the brains said,
to me the ideal date is science expositions.
It brings out the inner child in me.
"Oh gosh, what is THAT?
Oh gosh that's spinning!"
Another one bought a small tube of gallium off Amazon for like five bucks and a cheap
heart mold.
Gallium melts at body temperature, so he warmed it up and molded it into a heart.
He gave it to her and when it started to melt, he told her she “melted his heart.”
Other ideas:
Watch a YouTube video and learn how to do something together.
I've got a lot here.
Check out a local museum.
Go to a zoo or an aquarium.
Have nerd dates where you watch TED talks.
Take a Master Class.
Take a cooking class!
If you have different interests, maybe take turns learning about them; so one week it’s
yours, the next week, it’s theirs.
Whatever kind of date you decide to try, put it on the calendar — you know, so we remember
we actually have a date —
and if there are activities that are time-sensitive, remember to allow time for transitions, traffic,
and looking for our keys for 30 minutes before finally finding them in the freezer.
Then, have a good time and— *I’m talking to future me here* — try not to put too
much pressure on yourself to get it “right.”
Dates are supposed to be fun, not stressful, and hey — if it’s a total disaster, it’ll
make a great story.
And you can try something different next time.
That’s 5 ways to make a date ADHD friendly!
Minimize distractions Make it active
Make it interactive Make it adventurous
And tap into their curiosity
Thank you to my Brain Board and all my Patreon Brains, including one who is here right now
helping me shoot!
Thank you Ben!!
Comment below to let me know what kind of dates you enjoy!
Like, subscribe, click all the things and I will see you next time!
Bye Brains!