- We cannot pay our student loan debt.
Millennials and Gen Z'ers, we can't.
If we still using our ex's streaming passcodes,
we can't pay our student loan debt.
(audience laughs) You know what I'm saying?
And we need to vote early, you know what I mean?
We need to mail in our votes
'cause we always doing too much.
We do, we need to mail in our votes,
'cause Millennials and Gen Z'ers, we're doing too damn much.
I understand that, we don't have time
to stand in line at the polling places.
Almost got hit by a millennial driving his car
just the other day.
Motherfucker was playing ukulele while driving.
I was like, "Bro,
if you love the 'Moana' soundtrack so much,
you can just listen to it.
You ain't gotta strum along on the way to the crib,
you know what I'm saying?"
It's just too damn much.
It's too damn much. You know what I mean?
I mean, student loan debt, it's overwhelming to everybody.
It's overwhelming to people so much to the point
that soon enough babies are gonna be born gig working.
Hell yeah, they gonna come out the womb,
smoking Newport 100's,
pacing back and forth like a crack head.
Talking about, "Mama, Mama,
I can't deal with this postnatal care.
I gotta deliver 57 bags of groceries,
two bottles of vodka, and one Plan B pill within an hour,
or else we won't have heat this Christmas, all right?"
That's where we at, that is where we at.
Like the price of living is too damn high.
It's way too damn high.
Like gas price has been so high,
I'm telling y'all, I'ma start an Only Gas page.
That's right, I don't need the fans, I just need the gas.
All right, I need 87 regular, you know what I'm saying?
And I'll do anything for the gas.
I'll show some ass for the gas.
That's right, whatever your kink is.
You want me to pour some diesel fuel over my bare toes
while I make truck noises? (imitates a truck)
I'll do it, $5 a month subscription, okay?
It's affecting everybody.
Even senior citizens.
They're affected so much by the inflation.
I distribute fresh food to senior citizens every week.
And I love talking to senior citizens
'cause they know how to problem solve, you know what I mean?
'Cause they've been through real struggle.
I asked one of the senior citizens, I said,
"Hey, how you doing today?"
She said, "Oh baby, oh baby,
inflation got me in a choke hold,
but I'll tell you what I need.
I'll tell you what I need.
I need some good dick and some rest."
(audience laughs)
I said, "Damn, Tammy.
All I got is fresh eggplant for you.
There you go.
Ain't nobody gonna break your soul, take care."
You know? Bacon is up to $15 a pack, y'all.
$15 a pack, that's cocaine prices!
People shouldn't be sucking dick in the alley for bacon.
That's not where we should be in our society.
What's the USDA putting in that shit, fentanyl?
It's too damn much, you know what I'm saying?
It's way too much.
That's gonna be the newest drug on "Euphoria,"
season three of "Euphoria,"
Rue is addicted to Smithfield Meat's Maple Bacon.
(audience laughs)
She's gonna come up into the math class
with a Folgers canister of bacon grease under her arm.
Talking about, "What's up guys?
I got that yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy."
It's too damn much.
I'm even noticing I'm struggling with money,
'cause I went into the corner store today,
my eyes instantly made eye contact
with scratch off lotto tickets and my nipples got hard.
This ever happened to y'all?
You like, "For a $2 investment,
I could possibly make $50,000 a week
for the rest of my life.
I like them odds."
It's too expensive to date nowadays.
Too expensive to date.
You're balling if you can confidently tell your date,
"Hey baby, we gonna go someplace expensive."
"Where we going?"
"We gonna go out on a drive.
That's right, we just gonna let the car idle.
I'm gonna fill it up to premium.
We just gonna sit in the motherfucker."
(audience laughs) You know?
I've been dating, too.
It's weird dating during this time
with all the viruses and everything, isn't it?
You know what I mean?
You gotta just, you want to just stick to one.
It's weird dating nowadays.
I went out with an anti-vaxxer.
Yeah, yeah.
You know and she was one
of them real whole type anti-vaxxers,
where she feel like lemon drops
and sea moss will save her from COVID,
you know what I'm saying?
It was wild.
She had a good personality and everything.
But a couple days later she called me,
she sounded like freaking Louie Armstrong, y'all.
She was like, "Max! (imitates trumpet)
♪ Zatarain's ♪
Hey Max, I can't go out with you tonight.
I'm not feeling too well."
I said, "What's wrong?"
She said, "I lost my taste and my smell."
I said, "Well shit, you might as well lose your eyesight
'cause you ain't gonna see me no more.
Fuck that shit, CDC say you can't see me."
You know what I'm saying?
And I even suggested to her,
I suggested to her that she should take a PCR test.
She said, "Mm mm, I ain't gonna claim it.
I ain't gonna claim COVID."
I said, "You ain't got to, it's already claiming your ass.
You the one sticking two (indistinct) bottles up your nose,
you can't smell shit, that ain't normal."
You know, talking about you wanna be
in a relationship with me.
What if we in the house and there's a gas leak?
You can't save me. (audience laughs)
It's ridiculous.
She even had the nerve to say she wanted to eat my ass.
I said, "You better wear a mask
for your safety and for mine, that's right."
It's too much.
I'm from the south side of Chicago.
(audience cheers) Yeah, yeah.
Rest of you all are like, "Oh my God, is my wallet safe?"
Yeah, I'm from the south side of Chicago.
It's wild being from Chicago
and if you live in any other place in the world,
because they only know Chicago for its gun crime.
And you know, it kind of makes sense,
'cause Chicago's the only city where you can get shot
in a drive by on the expressway.
It's just wild. You know what I mean?
It's like, how is it a drive by,
both of y'all driving by each other?
You know what I'm saying?
That ain't the rules of a drive by, you know what I mean?
Somebody gotta be stationary.
And then, you're so vulnerable when you get,
when you're on the expressway.
You're singing to yourself, you got your windows rolled up.
♪ Just like a white winged dove ♪
♪ Sings a song, sounds like she's singing ♪
♪ Singing ooh, baby, ooh ♪
(imitates gunfire) Ah!
(imitates engine zooming)
I'm listening to Stevie Nicks, not Da Baby,
what the fuck?
It's just too damn much.
You know, I even read that New Orleans,
they got a higher murder rate per capita than Chicago does.
And I said, "Shoot, I gladly take getting shot
in New Orleans any day of the week."
Oh yeah, 'cause I mean, think about it,
think about it, when you first get shot,
somebody starts playing the jazz trombone,
just celebrating you like (imitates trombone)
On your way down, you smell fresh beignets being baked.
(audience laughs) And in your final moments,
in your final moments, somebody will come over
and gently whisper their grandma's secret gumbo recipe
to you, 'cause you gotta take that shit to your grave.
You know what I'm saying?
It'd be lovely, it'd be lovely.
When I was in England,
the only time I would come in contact with,
you know, like a local or anything was if I was asking
for nearest directions to like a Popeye's.
Be honest with y'all,
I was looking for Louisiana chicken in London, y'all.
Yes I was. Yes.
And those people, they were just very excited,
they were very excited by my accent.
They're like, "Bruv, bruv, bruv, where you from?
Quick withdraw, bruv.
Your mom's not hot, where you from?
Your mom's not hot, where you from, bruv?"
I'd be like, "I'm from America."
"No, no, I mean I specifically,
specifically, where you from, bruv?
Where you from?"
"I'm from the south side of Chicago."
"You mean like the murder capital of the world?
You mean like Chance The Rapper, like,
♪ If one more label try to stop me ♪
♪ There's gonna be some dread head ♪
Oh my god, Margie, take a picture
with me and the Chicagoan,
he's not gonna be alive by next week."
(audience laughs)
It was crazy, it was wild.
And it was crazy 'cause people expected so much out of me,
especially the women.
They were like, "Max,
tell me some of your thuggish ruggish bone stories."
And I'm like, "Shit, I'm out here
on a Shakespeare scholarship.
I can't woo you with a sonnet.
I came out here on some 'To or not to be?'"
It's wild looking the way that I do,
'cause people expect so much out of me,
you know what I mean?
Especially white people.
Y'all always looking for a protest.
Y'all look at me like I'm your newest Obama.
You know what I mean?
Like just radical enough, but ambiguous enough
for you to feel comfortable around me.
Like I swear, I'll be walking into a restaurant,
white women start marching behind me with picket signs.
"Black Lives Matter.
Abigail, follow him.
Black Lives Matter.
He looks like Lenny Kravitz, let's go his way.
Black Lives Matter."
I'm like "Abigail, I'm in a Chick-fil-A.
I came here for the homophobic nuggets,
get to the back of the line."
It's wild, older Black people, when they see me,
they get excited like I'm freaking Jackie Robinson
or something.
Like I just broke the color barrier in baseball.
You know what I'm saying?
Older Black man saw me at a Starbucks.
He said, "Look at you brother with your woke ass,
coming up in here, draped in floral shirts,
smelling like shea butter, woo!
(audience laughs)
I'm so happy you came in here, brother.
I'm so happy you came in here.
My manager said I can't wear my Black Lives Matter ring.
I can't wear my Black Lives Matter ring.
I'm ready to burn this motherfucker to the ground."
I said, "Hold up, brother. Hold up.
We can have a peaceful protest,
and can I get a chai latte?"
"Oh sure, sure, brother.
I know you want that with oat milk.
I know you don't with that colonizers whole milk.
There you go, brother.
Wakanda forever, brother. Wakanda forever."
I swear, they love me. They love me.
It's too much, it's too much.
And even when I go to music festivals,
when I go to music festivals
people expect I'm either there to perform
or I'm there to sell cocaine.
And to me, I don't see the sell cocaine part.
I look more like I sell sage wholesale.
You know what I'm saying?
Like I do reiki, just 'cause, you know what I mean?
And it's always a Macaulay Culkin,
translucent dude that just comes up to me,
just starts rapping for no reason.
Just comes up to me like, "Yeah, my brother!
Come on, my man!
Stop, drop. Shut it."
I'm like, "What the fuck?"
He's like, "Hey man, I'm sorry.
You know, my buddy Charlie over there told me you got
a little huh ah ah, thunder,
a little booger sugar, a little nose candy."
"No man, I'm not selling anything."
Come on, man.
Look at you, now look at me.
Now look at you, now look back at me.
I know you're selling something.
Come on, man. You got some sassafras on you?"
"Sassafras, what the fuck, am I Dr. Seuss?
I ain't got no sassafras on me."
And I get upset, I'm like, "Listen man,
I own all eight seasons of 'Roseanne' on DVD.
Okay? Darlene's the best character to be on TV.
Forget about Theo.
'Shawshank Redemption' is my favorite film.
The only film where I root for a white man
to get out out prison. (audience laughs)
And I'm allergic to dairy, man.
I'm allergic to dairy.
I don't know anybody that sells hard drugs
that's allergic to dairy."
And they always say the same thing.
"Oh man, I'm sorry
I didn't mean to racially profile you like that.
Enjoy the rest of the concert.
But I gotta tell you,
you were amazing on stage five minutes ago."
"Motherfucker, that was Lenny Kravitz.
That wasn't me."