>> FOLLOWING THE RECENT PBS AND WGBY BROADCAST OF CARING FOR
MOM AND DAD, LOCAL AUTHOR DAVID HORGAN TALKED WITH "CONNECTING
POINT'S" JIM MADIGAN ABOUT THE SPECIAL PROBLEMS ENCOUNTERED
AND APPROACHES NEEDED WHEN CHILDREN BECOME CUSTODIANS AND
CAREGIVERS FOR THEIR PARENTS.
>> I THINK IT WAS ABOUT NOW EIGHT YEARS AGO, MY WIFE AT THE
TIME CAME TO ME AND SAID WHAT WOULD YOU THINK ABOUT MOVING MY
MOM IN?
SHE CAN'T LIVE ON HER OWN ANYMORE.
I SAID YES TO IT VERY QUICKLY.
BECAUSE I THINK LIKE MOST PEOPLE, YOU HAVE THIS BACK-UP
PLAN.
IF SOMETHING EVER HAPPENS TO MOM OR DAD I'LL JUST MOVE THEM
IN AND THAT WILL BE AN EASY THING.
JIM, I WILL TELL YOU IT WAS NOT AN EASY THING.
IT WAS A VERY DIFFICULT PROCESS BECAUSE WE MADE IT UP AS WE
WENT ALONG.
WE DIDN'T HAVEFU FFULLY -- HAV ANY KIND OF PLAN OR
DISCUSSIONS.
WE JUST LET IT HAPPEN.
IT WOULD BE LIKE FILMING A MOVIE WITHOUT A SCRIPT.
YOU CAN IMAGINE WHAT WOULD OCCUR IF YOU DID THAT.
THAT'S WHAT WE DID.
WE LEARNED A LOT.
IN THE PROCESS, I WAS THINKING THERE MUST BE A BOOK.
MAYBE A GUIDE THAT I CAN FIND.
AS I LOOKED AROUND, I COULDN'T FIND ANYTHING.
I CALLED UP A WOMAN, A VERY GOOD FRIEND OF MINE AND AUTHOR.
I SAID THERE NEEDS TO BE A BOOK ON THIS TOPIC.
>> NOT ONLY ARE YOU NOT ALONE.
IN MY CASE, IT WAS MY MOM.
MY WIFE SAID SHE CAN'T BE ALONE ANYMORE.
LET'S BRING HER IN.
FIRST THINK -- THING YOU THINK EVERYBODY LOVES EVERYBODY ELSE.
THAT HASN'T CHANGED.
BUT YOU HAVEN'T LIVED TOGETHER IN THAT ADULT WITH ADULT
ENVIRONMENT.
IT CHANGES THE WHOLE DYNAMIC, DOESN'T IT?
>> IT ABSOLUTELY DOES.
THERE IS A ROLE REVERSAL.
IN MOM AND DAD ARE MOVING IN, THEY PROBABLY NEED A LOT OF
HELP.
AND THAT'S A SITUATION THAT IS NOT GETTING BETTER.
IT IS DECLINING.
WHEN YOU FIND YOURSELF REMINDING THEM TO TAKE
MEDICATIONS, WHERE DID YOU GO TODAY?
YOU KNOW, WHAT DO YOU NEED?
AND YOU'RE LIKE THE PARENT.
THEY'RE LIKE THE CHILD.
IT IS A VERY DIFFICULT DYNAMIC.
IT'S HARD FOR THE CARE GIVERS.
IT WAS DIFFICULT FOR US.
>> WHEN YOU TALK ABOUT PLANNING AND PREPARATION, YOU SAY DON'T
SKATE OVER IT.
YOU HAVE TO THINK IT THROUGH.
AND YOU HAVE TO BE VERY OPEN, VERY CLEAR, VERY FRANK.
>> YES.
>> NOT EASY.
>> WELL, I'LL TELL YOU.
THERE ARE TWO BOOKS.
A GOOD FRIEND OF MINE JOY, COMPLETE ELDER CARE PLANNER.
AND I CALL IT THE BIBLE.
JOY COVERS EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW TO BE A CARETAKER.
AND WHAT WE DID, WHEN A PARENT MOVES IN FOR THAT SITUATION
WHEN YOU ARE NOT JUST TAKING CARE OF MOM OR DAD BUT THEY'RE
IN THE HOUSE WITH YOU.
I THINK IT IS SO IMPORTANT.
I TELL PEOPLE THAT YOU SHOULD GET TWO COPIES.
LET MOM READ ONE, LET DAD READ ONE WHILE YOU READ IT.
IT ADDRESSES SUBJECTS THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT.
THINGS LIKE ARE WE GOING TO HAVE DINNER TOGETHER EVERY
NIGHT?
MOM OR DAD ARE PROBABLY THINKING I WILL MOVE RIGHT INTO
THAT FAMILY DYNAMIC.
AND IT'S NOT A STRANGE THING THAT MOM OR DAD THINK THAT.
BUT YOU MIGHT WANT SOME PRIVACY.
YOU MIGHT WANT SOME TIME WITH YOUR KIDS WHERE YOU TALK ABOUT
THOSE FAMILY ISSUES AND YOU DON'T WANT TO WORRY MOM AND DAD
OR MAYBE YOU DON'T WANT THAT EXTRA OPINION.
IT'S DIFFICULT.
>> I REMEMBER TALKING WITH A FRIEND OF MINE WHO BROUGHT HER
DAD, AGAIN, SAME SITUATION, INTO THEIR HOME.
SHE HAD TEENAGE KIDS, I THINK, AT THE TIME, OR MAYBE A LITTLE
OLDER THAN THAT.
SHE REMEMBERS ONE TIME TRYING TO CORRECT THE KIDS AND DAD
WANTS TO GIVE HIS TWO CENTS AND HE BROUGHT HER UP AND SHE ENDED
UP SAYING TO HIM, DAD, GO TO YOUR ROOM.
WHAT AN AMAZING SITUATION TO FIND YOURSELF IN.
>> INTERESTING THAT YOU SAY THAT, JIM.
THAT'S IN THE BOOK.
WE HAVE THAT EXACT STORY ABOUT TRYING TO DISCIPLINE A CHILD
AND GRANDMA COMES OVER WITH A COOKIE DISMANTLING YOUR PLAN.
SHE DOESN'T MEAN ANY HARM, BUT THAT IS A DIFFERENT
RELATIONSHIP THAT GRANDMA HAS THAN YOU, THE DISCIPLINARIAN
TRYING TO RAISE THE CHILD AND GIVE THEM SOME BOUNDARIES.
BOUNDARIES, REALLY, THAT'S WHAT IT IS ALL ABOUT.
YOU HAVE TO HAVE VERY CLEAR BOUNDARIES.
YOU CAN'T HAVE THAT SUPERFICIAL RELATIONSHIP.
HOW'S THE WEATHER?
HOW ARE YOU TODAY?
IF YOU ARE GOING TO LIVE TOGETHER, YOU HAVE TO BRING IT
TO A LEVEL WHERE YOU ARE ON AN EVEN KEEL.
I'LL TELL YOU A STORY THAT AS I WENT THROUGH THIS AND WE HAVE
THE DIFFICULTY, ONE DAY I STARTED THINKING ABOUT, YOU
KNOW, WHAT IS MY MOTHER-IN-LAW GIVING UP TO MOVE IN?
YOU KNOW, NEVER REALLY DAWNED ON ME.
SHE USED TO GARDEN, HAD HER OWN YARD AND HER OWN HOUSE.
AND, YOU KNOW, I WANTED TO DO A GESTURE.
I WENT UPSTAIRS.
I TYPED UP THIS OFFICIAL DEED TO THE BACK YARD.
I GAVE IT TO HER AND I SAID YOU NOW OWN THE BACK YARD.
AND IT WAS THIS MOMENT BETWEEN US, YOU KNOW.
BECAUSE SUDDENLY SHE UNDERSTOOD THAT OKAY, HE IS SEEING IT FROM
MY POINT OF VIEW AND WE COULD HAVE THESE CONVERSATIONS LIKE
TWO ADULTS WHO WERE ON THE SAME KEEL, HAVE COFFEE TOGETHER AND
IT WASN'T THAT HARD TO SENSE THE BOUNDARIES ONCE WE GOT TO
THAT EVEN POINT.
>> WE HAVE SPENT THE LAST COUPLE OF MINUTES TALKING ABOUT
SOME OF THE DIFFICULT PARTS.
LET'S TALK ABOUT THE PLUSES.
KNOWING YOUR AGENT PARENT IN A DIFFERENT WAY.
MAYBE RENEWING A FAMILY THAT MAY HAVE GOTTEN STRESSED OR
STRAINED THROUGH THE YEARS.
IT REALLY IS GOOD FOR THE THIRD GENERATION, THE KIDS TO HAVE
THAT KIND OF TIME WITH GRANDPARENTS.
>> FOR THE KIDS IT'S FANTASTIC.
GRANDMA, GRANDFATHER COMING TO ALL OF THEIR SHOWS.
PLAY MUSIC ON THE PORCH AND SHE LOVED THAT.
TALK ABOUT ESTABLISHING YOUR RELAT
RELATIONSHIP.
THE TIME YOU CAN SPEND TOGETHER AND REALLY GET TO KNOW YOUR
HISTORY, THAT IS REALLY A FANTASTIC BENEFIT.
I REALLY ENJOYED THAT PART OF IT.
THERE IS A LOT TO BE LEARNED FROM OUR PARENTS, AND WE LIKE
TO THINK THEY CAME FROM A DIFFERENT GENERATION, BUT
NOTHING CHANGES.
IT IS ALL THE SAME.
THEY HAVE A LOT OF EXPERIENCE.
AND THEY WANT TO FEEL LIKE THEY'RE A PART OF THE FAMILY.
THEY WANT TO FEEL LIKE THEY CAN CONTRIBUTE.
THAT IS WHAT MOST PEOPLE FORGET.
YOU KNOW, THEY THINK THEY'RE FINE.
THEY HAVE THEIR LITTLE APARTMENT AND THEY DON'T NEED
THAT MUCH TIME WITH ME.
BUT THEY REALLY DO.
AND IT'S GOOD TO HAVE THEM CONTRIBUTE TO THE HOUSEHOLD.
>> PROBABLY ONE OF THE TOUCHIEST AREAS, I WOULD THINK,
THINKING ABOUT THE FINANCIAL IMPACT, BOTH ON THE PARENTS
MOVING, AND ON THE FAMILY THAT IS NOW ABSORBING THEM, BRINGING
THEM IN.
>> THE FINANCIAL THING WE HAVE A CHAPTER WHERE WE TALK ABOUT
BECOMING THE FAMILY CFO.
THAT'S WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN.
IF YOU MOVE MOM OR DAD IN, YOU ARE TAKING OVER THEIR FINANCES
AND YOU NEED TO COME TO GRIPS WITH THAT, GET WITH A GOOD
ATTORNEY, START LOOKING AT THE ASSETS AND MAKE SURE THAT
EVERYBODY IS ON THE SAME PAGE.
ONE OF THE THINGS THAT HAPPENS, MOM OR DAD BUILDS AN ADDITION
ON THE HOUSE.
LATER ON PEOPLE MAY HAVE ARGUMENTS ABOUT THAT FINANCIAL
ASSET.
YOU CAN'T BREAK IT OFF THE HOUSE.
IF YOU PUT THE ADDITION ON, THAT BECOMES PART OF YOUR HOUSE
AND THE FAMILY IS GOING TO NEED THAT UP FRONT.
WHICH IS WHY WE SAY HAVE ALL OF THESE DISCUSSIONS BEFORE THE
EVENT OCCURS SO THAT YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.
>> ALSO WARN YOUR READERS BE CAREFUL THAT YOU DON'T END UP
BECOMING OUTSIDERS IN YOUR OWN HOME.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
ESPECIALLY THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS IF IT'S LIKE IN MY CASE.
THE MOTHER-IN-LAW MOVES IN.
WITH THE MOTHER-IN-LAW COMES THE SISTERS AND THE BROTHERS,
THAT MAKES SENSE.
BUT WHEN THEY'RE IN YOUR HOUSE, YOU CAN START TO FEEL LIKE AN
OUTSIDER.
YOU KNOW.
BECAUSE YOU'RE KIND OF OUTNUMBERED BY ALL OF THESE
FOLKS IN A SITUATION WHERE IT USED TO BE JUST YOU AND YOUR
WIFE AND THE KIDS.
VERY DIFFERENT DYNAMIC.
>> BOTTOM LINE, WHAT I GOT OUT OF THE BOOK WAS FAIR TO SAY
THAT MOM AND DAD MOVING IN WITH WORK IT CAN WORK.
>> IT ABSOLUTELY CAN.
IT CAN BE A GREAT EXPERIENCE, BUT YOU HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THIS
UP FRONT.
YOU HAVE TO REALLY GET DOWN TO IT AND DO IT WHEN THINGS ARE
QUIET.
DON'T REACT TO A CRISIS AND SUDDENLY MOVE MOM OR DAD IN OR
DON'T COME HOME AND FIND THE STOVE ON AND BLOW UP.
DISCUSS EVERYTHING UP FRONT.
AND THEN IT CAN BE SMOOTH.
>> REAL QUICK, THE THING YOU HAVE TO REALIZE MAYBE IS THERE
MAY BE SOME HURT FEELINGS, SOME STRESSING AND CRUSHING A LITTLE
BIT FOR A WHILE, BUT IT WILL WORK OUT.
>> YEAH, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE BUMPY TIMES.
YOU CAN MINIMIZE THEM IF YOU HAVE THE RIGHT GUIDE.
>> DAVID HORGAN, COAUTHOR, "WHEN YOUR PARENT MOVES IN:
EVERY ADULT CHILD'S GUIDE TO LIVING WITH AN AGING PARENT."
THANKS FOR YOUR PERSPECTIVE.
>> THANK YOU.