Theme: I'll be ready (I'll be ready)
Theme: Never you fear (No don't you fear)
Theme: I'll be ready
Theme: Forever and always, I'm always here.
Allison: Finally, the Sandboni gets the plot it's always deserved--
Allison: Aw, and I guess Jill is here, too
Allison: Hope you guys are ready for some "Drowning Pool"
(Downing Pool's "Let the bodies hit the floor" plays)
Allison: Ah, it's my prom all over again.
Allison: Jill is starting her day off by feeding bread to bums.
Allison: You know you're just making them less afraid of humans.
Jill: and half of a prune danish
Homeless Santa: Oh, ho, ho, ho.
Allison: You only gave him half? Harsh, woman.
Allison: I like your style
Jill: Inner tubes are against the rules, sir!
Jill: He has to get out. If a wave dumps him, he'll drown.
Inner tuber's wife: Aw, but it's his first time in the ocean.
Allison: Well, he does look like a giant baby. I guess I believe that.
Allison: Simply drowning someone is so passe.
Allison: This is 1989.
Allison: So, instead, a nefarious ocean-related scheme is underway.
Allison: A scuba diver waits underwater for an old man with a heart condition.
Allison: Because the ocean is so small
Allison: and there's really no easier way to kill someone who's recently had heart surgery.
Allison: Because Jill was distracted by the stupid old people
Allison: She doesn't get to the old man in time and he dies.
Allison (as Trevor) Oy, time for this to get super cereal.
Eddie: Back it up!
Allison (as random extra). I teleported.
Allison (as Mitch): My sav---Oh, ah, he's dead?
Allison (as Mitch): Yeah, that was totally Jill's fault.
Allison (as Mitch): Way to fuck that one up.
Allison: Even Newmie's angelic touch can't save this fish food.
Mitch: Alright, they're ready to go, get in.
Mitch (shouting): Get in!
Allison (as Mitch): See how I yelled at the victim's family?
Allison (as Mitch): Man, I'm good! Unlike Jill here.
Allison: While Jill was playing old man babysitter,
Allison: the drowning guy was spotted by Fred here.
Allison: This sets up our "meanwhile" plot, which focuses on Fred wanting to be a lifeguard.
Allison: Surprise! He's the comic relief guest star this week.
Allison: He's played by Jeff Altman, who they apparently loved on Baywatch
Allison: So much so that, over the course of the program, he plays no less than five different characters.
Allison: Inexplicably, he gets more screen time than some people who end up in the opening credits.
Fred: Here, catch.
(Crash) Allison (as Eddie): Ow! It broke my leg!
Fred: It was me! The lifeguard was me!
Eddie: Listen to me:
Eddie: There's certain things you keep to yourself, like dreams.
Eddie: A guy should keep his dreams to himself, all right?
Allison (as Eddie): That's what my foster father said when I told him about my Hamburglar dream.
Allison (as Eddie): Everyone experiments when they're seven okay?
Innocent victim: Excuse me?
Fred: Yes?
Innocent victim: Are you a lifeguard?
Fred: Oh, um. Yes I am.
Innocent victim: I don't know what's wrong with me.
Fred: You all right?
Innocent victim: My head-
Fred:Seriously?
Innocent victim: It's spinning. I think I've been in the heat too long. Can you help me?
Fred: Yeah I--
Innocent victim: Oh!
Allison: And thus, the woman died. Because someone with absolutely no training
Allison: should not attempt to impersonate a life-saving authority figure
Allison: Oh, sorry. I read that wrong. I meant to say "add laugh track here"
Innocent victim: Can you help me?
Fred: Yeah I-
Innocent victim: Oh!
(An audience of ghosts laughs hysterically, welcoming their new member)
Allison (as Eddie): What a loser, am I right guys?
Allison (as Mitch): Eddie sucks!
Allison (as Eddie): Aw, shut up!
Allison: Knowing Eddie will be out of town,
Allison: Fred poses as him over the phone and ends up assigned to a tower.
Allison: Dammit, Sid, you had one job!
Allison: Not everyone can be as cool as Craig
Fred: Statute 56 clearly states that flotation devices are not to be used by novice swimmers.
Fred: Sorry, pal, but those are the rules, and I got to enforce them
(Girl cries at the apparent death of her turtle friend)
Allison: Hmm, okay, you won me over Fred.
Allison: He attempts a rescue and ends up almost drowning himself
Mitch: Impersonating a lifeguard is not a joke. It's a criminal offense
Fred: Come on, nobody got hurt.
Mitch: A guy nearly killed you for kissing his wife!
Allison (as Mitch): There was also that person who almost drowned,
Allison (as Mitch): but mostly I'm upset over a make-out session that didn't involve me.
Allison: And thus, we learned an important lesson today,
Allison: Never trust Eddie with anything.
(Allison whines as Eddie)
Fred: Look, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, so what are you gonna do
Fred: Turn me over to the cops, get my butt thrown in the slammer, force me to become a hardened criminal?
Mitch: Yes
Allison (as Mitch): Hey, Jill.
Allison (as Mitch): Want to talk about how badly you did?
Allison (as Mitch): I can give you some pointers on not letting someone die a horrible, preventable death
Jill: Probably means Mr. Benton's only chance was me
Jill: And I blew it
Allison (as Mitch): Yeah, you sure did.
Jill: I can handle it
Allison (as some guy back at headquarters): Hey, you guys. Check out the antenna on this thing.
Allison (in a silly voice): I am talking to aliens.
Allison: Hehehehehe
Allison: They put a locker next to her labeled R.I.P.?
Allison: Oh, that's unfortunate
Allison: Everyone suddenly notices Jill exists, and they're trying to be nice to her. But she insists she's alright.
Allison: But this walking on the beach somberly montage suggests otherwise.
(Sad music plays)
Allison (as Inner tuber): Heeeelp
Allison (as Inner tuber): I'm drowning!
Allison (as Inner tuber): Look behind you!
Allison: The coroner ruled that the man had a heart attack and drowned,
Allison: but Jill finds something strange about how quickly he was out of her sight.
Allison: Since everyone else seems to have closed the book on this case,
Allison: it's time for her to do some sleuthing.
Jill: It just doesn't add up, but I'm gonna find out why!
Allison (as Mitch): Oh well, I'm gonna color some more.
Allison (as Mitch): Aaaaaand fixed.
Allison: Jill meets up with the dead man's yuppie son, Derek, after the funeral.
Allison: The mood is tense. The flamingo is at half-mast.
Allison: The suits are square.
Allison: His mother has encased herself in a makeup cocoon.
Allison: His cousin is behind her and he looks like Benedict Cumberbatch if he were stung by a bee
Chuck Cucumberpatch: If I were you I'd concentrate on questions concerning your competence
Derek's Mother: Don't say anything more, Chuck.
Derek's mother: We'll let our lawyers take care of it
Allison (as a Yuppie): Yes, our lawyers. (haughty laughter)
Allison: When a wet suit washes ashore, Garner finds out what shop it came from,
Allison: and a list of people who have bought that brand, including Derek Mcsnobbington.
Allison: Garner says it's circumstantial
Allison: But Mitch wants to claim a half-save and figure this one out.
Garner (done with Mitch's shit): Mitchell, the guy died of a heart attack.
Allison: Ooooo, pulling a "Mitchell" on him!
Allison: Derek may or may not be a murderer, but we know he's guilty of one crime:
Allison: He's a hit with the ladies
(Sexy sax playing "Ain't No Sunshine When She's Gone")
Allison: Jill is determined to find the killer now, using lifeguard dioramas to recreate the drowning.
Allison: I'm not sure why she needed to create tiny towers and umbrellas for this,
Allison: but I'm no amateur detective.
Derek: You think I had anything to do with it?
Derek: I didn't.
Allison: Well, case closed.
(Ending theme from "Matlock" plays)
Allison: And Jill accepts his immediate invitation to go out.
Allison: You know, generally, when you're blamed for the death of someone's father
Allison: and they bring up-unasked-that if you think they did it they didn't,
Allison: Maybe approach any date proposals with caution.
Jill: No matter how many times you've seen it, it's always beautiful.
Allison (as Jill): Especially when someone's drowning in it.
Allison (as Mitch): Heh, now that Hobie's asleep, I can enjoy my late night pizza.
Allison (as Mitch): Oh, no, Garner!
Allison (as Mitch): Now I'm gonna have to do work!
Mitch: You could've at least ordered half with anchovies, half without anchovies
(Studio ghosts rejoice once again)
Garner: Just sit down and stop bobbing
(What are these ghosts laughing at?!)
Garner: You get out of the way
Mitch: Excuse me
(Oh god, when will they stop?!)
Garner: Butt got chewed good for asking questions about the benefit.
Allison (as Mitch): Hey, let's not talk about chewing any butts, Garner. I'm straight.
Allison (as Garner): What?
Allison (as Mitch): Nothing
Garner: You're gloating?
Garner: Mitchell I hate it when you gloat your eyes pop out your head your nose turns up funny
Allison: So... are Mitch and Garner undergoing a divorce too?
Allison: They must be fighting over custody of Eddie
Allison: But neither one of them wants him.
Allison: Anyway, it turns out the rich people are rich.
Allison: which means Derek is going to get a lot more money now that his father is dead.
Allison: Jill is too busy being seduced by a fireplace to come to this incredibly obvious conclusion.
(Dramatic music sting)
Allison: They bring this evidence to Derek and questioned him at lifeguard HQ
Allison: instead of, perhaps, in a police station. And he says his scuba gear was stolen.
Allison: Jill defends him, seemingly having forgotten all about her trauma because he's just so darn cute
Derek: You better have more to go on than a lot of...WET assumption
Allison (as Garner): Damn, that was a good pun. Well looks like his defense is rock-solid
Craig: Maybe you shouldn't see him again until--
Jill: Until he goes to prison?
Jill: Listen, if I died of food poisoning, Derek did it.
Jill: He's barbecuing.
Allison (as Craig): Well, looks like it's time for me to tell heartwarming stories on a step outside somewhere.
Allison: Jill has been looking over tapes the old people filmed to try and find clues to the drowning.
Allison: So, naturally, she shows one of the tapes to Derek and tells him all about it.
Allison: Looks like someone's about to get food poisoning.
Allison: As they're watching the tape, they see that cousin Cucumberpatch was there
Allison: just as he's conveniently in the room
(Glass shatters and Jill screams)
Allison (as Jill): The tape was fun Derek. Bye.
Allison (as Cucumberpatch): I'll row this boat to water, hahaha ha
Allison: Ah, the damn fool. You never try to fight a lifeguard and their domain.
Allison: She can summon the sea life. You are so getting your ass kicked by a couple of dolphins.
Allison: Wait. Why did she jump into the ocean?
Allison: Who the hell tries to escape a murderer by swimming out to sea?
Allison: But (confused noise)
Allison: He pulls the old fake drowning trick, and now she's in trouble.
Allison: If anything, this episode has proven exactly why Jill gets a little screen time.
Allison (as Cucumberpatch): Damn! Screaming underwater did nothing to help me win!
Allison (as Mitch): You're not out of the water yet--MY SAVE
Allison: Let's end this episode with an appropriate joke:
Mitch: Fred?
Mitch: No
("Comedic" music plays)
Mitch: I'm telling you man, you need help
("Comedic" music continues at the idea of Fred impersonating a different lifesaving profession)
(Fart noise)
Allison: Trevor realizes he's Australian but incompetent.
Allison: So he decides to do something about it.
Allison: While this is going on, Craig and Gina try to make baby.