-Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to
"The Tonight Show," everybody.
Thank you for being here.
That's a crowd.
[ Cheering, whistling, and applause ]
Well, guys, some good news for President Biden --
over the past few months, his approval rating
has gone up by five points, to 42%.
[ Laughter, cheering, and applause ]
[ Whistling ] Biden was like, "Thank God,
inflation finally got to me."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Even Biden was surprised by the results.
He triple-checked it, like an at-home COVID test.
[ Laughter and applause ] He's like, "This can't be right. This can't be right.
Honey, look at this. Is this right?"
I'm not even sure what caused the spike, really.
[ Laughter ] I mean, apparently, a lot of Americans thought --
[ Changes accent ] Hey, I like how he handled Easter.
[ Laughter ]
It's great news for Biden, although it's hard to celebrate
when your approval rating skyrockets
and it's still only 42%, but.
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, former President Trump was
on the campaign trail this weekend
and, in the Ohio Senate race, he endorsed J.D. Vance,
who's running against a guy named Josh Mandel.
I think Trump confused the names
J.D. Vance and Josh Mandel. Watch this.
-You know, we've endorsed Dr. Oz.
We've endorsed JP, right?
J.D. Mandel
[ Laughter ] and he's doing great.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Not even a person.
[ As Trump ] Great guy. JP Morgan is great.
[ Laughter and applause ]
You can't say enough about JCPenney.
[ Laughter and applause ] I don't think you can.
We love you, J.Lo.
We love you.
[ Laughter ]
I'm not sure if it's a ringing endorsement when you're like,
"I fully support what's-his-face.
[ Laughter ] He's the best."
Trump said even the best leaders make mistakes sometimes,
like our great president
AbraGeorge LincolnTon.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Did you guys see this? Over the weekend,
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi made a surprise visit to Ukraine
and met with President Zelenskyy.
Here they are together.
Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
Can we see that photo again?
[ Laughter ]
Looks like a mom and her new trainer.
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Cheering and whistling ]
Again -- I've said this before.
Why don't politicians ever know what to do
with their arms in photos?
[ Laughter ] It's just so bizarre.
Well, the White House Correspondents Dinner
was on Saturday and congrats to Trevor Noah
and President Biden. They both spoke
[ Cheering and applause ] and they did a great job.
Very funny, both of them, yep.
The dinner is a tradition that goes back decades.
In fact, I saw a moment from one of those early dinners
that kind of caught me by surprise. Watch this.
-My childhood in Abilene, Kansas,
wasn't easy.
I was so ugly, my mother had morning sickness
after I was born.
[ Laughter and applause ]
I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me
with a slingshot.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Now, I drink too much.
The last time I gave a urine sample,
it had an olive in it.
[ Laughter and applause ] Thank you. Thank you.
-That's interesting. I didn't know that.
Have you seen those jokes?
-Wow. -Yeah.
Oh, I read a new report that said, last year, guys,
the FBI searched over 3 million Americans'
electronic communications without a warrant.
[ Oohs, ohs, and booing ]
People were like, "You can't invade my privacy like that.
But wasn't Becky's text to me like super weird?
[ Laughter ] I mean, it was --
There was a tone, right? There was a tone?"
[ Laughter ] Yep, after reading
3 million texts and emails, the FBI learned
that the only thing harder than planning an attack
is planning brunch.
[ Laughter and applause ]
"I can't make it that weekend."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Some business news -- Spirit Airlines
has rejected JetBlue's offer to buy them
and will merge with Frontier Airlines, instead.
[ Oohs ] -What?
-That's crazy. Picking Frontier over JetBlue is like
deciding to fly Frontier over JetBlue,
[ Laughter and applause ] you know what I'm saying?
Imagine getting turned down by Spirit Airlines?
[ Laughter and applause ]
It's like getting a rejection letter
from the University of Phoenix.
You go like, "Come on."
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Cheering ]
Get this -- I heard that inflation
is causing the cost of summer camps to drastically increase.
Yeah, right now, a lot of parents
are looking at the high prices like,
"Camp iPad it is. Here we go."
[ Laughter and applause ] And finally, this is cool --
over the weekend, at a track meet in Philadelphia,
a 100-year-old man ran the 100-meter dash.
-Whoo! -It's exciting, although, when he started the race,
he was 98. -Oh.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Sadly, he was disqualified after testing positive
for every medication.
[ Laughter and applause ]
But what a moment. After he finished,
his friends dumped a cooler of Ensure over his head.
[ Laughter and applause ] It was a great moment and congratulations to him.
[ Cheering, whistling, and applause ]