Yeah... I do love this city.
I'm from Idaho.
Nobody's disputing that.
I look like where I'm from.
Don't I? I mean...
You don't look at me right away and go, "That guy is from Idaho."
But when I say it loud, everybody thinks,
"That makes sense to me. I think that guy...
is legit from Idaho."
New Yorkers have no clue, you know.
"Where are you from?" "Idaho."
"Why?"
That's what it feels like, "Why?"
I don't know, that's where I done been borned, that's why.
That's where God done birth me.
Then they'll try to connect. They go, "I know it."
"You know it? Congratulations. It's a state in your country.
You should know it."
Then they go, "No, I know it."
This is what you tell me, "It's in the Midwest."
No, it isn't.
I know there are people in here right now going,
"He doesn't know what he's talking about."
That's how New Yorkers are. I'm from there.
I'm telling you, you're wrong.
And you're still, like, "He doesn't get it."
You have created geography that does not exist.
If you are a New Yorker, it's New York, LA...and the Midwest.
That's all there is, in your heads, just...
Yeah.
It's just one big red state.
Everything past Jersey is corn cob pipes and coveralls.
In a New Yorker's fantasy Idaho, everybody I put down my banjo,
so I can harvest all the 'taters in my backyard, you know.
I'm just waiting for the dinner bell to ring,
so I can go in and watch some Hee Haw with my ma.
I could be from Narnia,
I'd get the same response from New Yorkers.
They have no clue.
I'm from a town of 1,000 people.
You say that out loud in New York City and the feeling that comes back is,
"Can we send money?"
Yeah. I'm from a small refugee camp in Idaho.
Anything is helpful. Anything.
There's a little attitude in this city. We can be honest about that, right?
New Yorkers say stuff, like, "I could never live anywhere else..."
[groans]
Come on.
I think you could pull it together. I really do.
I think if you really focused,
you could learn how to grocery shop in Milwaukee, you know.
This is the only place you can live? This is the only place I've been
where people just walk around openly weeping.
-That's the only place... -[laughter]
...you feel comfy.
Every other street corner there's a shattered man and nobody cares.
That's where I feel most at home.
"I could never live..."
[exaggerated babbling]
New Yorkers think they are going to wander into any other town and be, like,
"I'm the mayor now."
-"Oh, really?" -[laughter]
"Yeah, I took a look around the city
and I'm the mayor."
"Why is that?" "I'm from New York City."
"I had no idea. Here's the key. Please.
Everyone, our savior's here. We have so many questions."
Then they always come back with this, "But Ryan, Ryan...
if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere."
No.
That's not true.
Frank Sinatra put that in one song and everybody went "that's a fact."
It's not true. I've never heard a more blanket statement
with zero evidence behind it in my life.
It's, like, one New Yorker said that and every other New Yorker went...
Mm-hmm.
You know what he said, "We can do anything, anywhere."
I'm from a town of 1000 people in Idaho
and I don't think New Yorkers could make it there.
"What happened?" "I don't know, we wandered off
looking for gluten-free cupcakes and, uh...
Where are they? They are always right here.
They are always right here."
[applause]
Three days later we found a body.
Uh...
turns out he couldn't make it here.
Maybe New York City is the easiest place to make it.
Have you ever thought of that?
I mean, sure, you get lost but you pop up out of the subway
and go, "The streets have numbers and I see six delis,
I think I'm gonna make it.
I made it."
What do you mean, "You made it?" What do you mean?
Like, there are people who came to this country
and this city with nothing and made it.
But I don't feel like those are the people who are saying those words.
What do you mean, "You made it"? It feels like your father's paying your rent
and you got a job tweeting for a startup is what it feels like.
[laughter]
Look it, half of the room shut down right there. Hey!
-Hey! Hey! -[laughter, applause]
"Wait a minute, I'm a social media director
and I'm a writer, and I had to live in the Village.
It's the only place I feel inspired.
I had to ask my father. It's the bravest thing I've ever done."
[laughter]