I'm back in New York baby I miss this
place
this is awesome I gotta be honest the
first when I can't got back I got back
on Thursday right I got back on Thursday
and I got on like the first thing I did
I got on the subway right and I got in
the subway and this little person came
on a trip was are there any little
people in the audience good I'm gonna
say [ __ ] so dis [ __ ]
you'll see why this [ __ ] came on the
train and he pushed my leg and he hit me
like that and I was like well he's rude
rude [ __ ] and like pushed me and like
I look down at him I was like hey you
know I'm not confrontational but I was
like excuse you and he looked up at me
he's like you got a problem now I didn't
say anything cause like you know you're
not gonna look like the hero fight in
the [ __ ] you're not gonna look like
novia oh I'm glad you kicked that [ __ ]
hands
you took that [ __ ] down a peg I'm glad
you did that nobody's gonna say that so
like I didn't say anything but the whole
time in my head the whole time I'm
thinking like how do I get this [ __ ]
to call me so I can call him a Mitchell
you know when you get called the n-word
as a black person you can do anything
it's like getting a gold star and Super
Mario Brothers and jump I hear the music
when I hear to em where I'm like did the
thing you know like I get it right into
it I get really into it you know and you
can do anything like you can be in a
fancy restaurant just start throwing
poop at the walls people be like what
did you do it somebody called me n-word
oh yes Obama Obama yes I just I just
started kind of doing this the stand-up
thing right so like you know I used to I
used to write for this show called 30
rock I love writing they're nuts but
when I started doing stand-up I was like
I don't really know what I'm doing I'm
gonna I'm gonna talk to Tracy about I
was gonna add Tracy what what who do you
have any tips for me because I'm just
starting to have any tips he was like
yeah man talk about penises big
[Applause]
I was like what he's like yeah man talk
about Peters's Gooch loved it
man talk about penises I'm getting there
I'll tell you a story man what time I
had broke it into this just asian girls
dorm room at Rutgers University and I
fell asleep and they woke me up and they
said Tracy you're supposed to be on in
five minutes it doesn't have no material
so I just said it for 45 minutes I
talked about penises for 45 minutes
do that do that man so I did that you
know I didn't know anything like okay I
miss Tracy Morgan I'm listen to him so I
did that I talked about penises and
people loved it was good and went well
and then like afterwards that dude was
like hey hey Chris wants to talk to you
I was like who is like Chris Rock was
talking to us like what Chris loved
Chris Rock Chris Rock was like my idol
right so I'm like yeah I go up to him
I'm like oh yeah I'm excited
what you think he was like what the hell
was that
I was like I don't know is it cuz it
looked like you went on stage and said
for 45 minutes and he ripped into me man
he ripped into me and that broke my
heart cuz I love Chris Ryan I used to do
his bits all the time he has a famous
bit called you know n-word versus you
know black people and I love that bit
but I wasn't allowed to say the n-word
in the house I wasn't allowed my parents
won't let me say the n-word so I just
did black people versus vampires instead
I was updating on telling jokes like
there's two cats two cats going on
there's black people and bam pie
the vampires got to go every time black
people want to have a good time eating
it as vampires gotta ruin it for
everybody can't keep the blood bank told
me grand-opening wrinkled you wouldn't
know the worst thing about vampires the
worst thing about vampires vampires
can't be in the Sun boy you can't have
no vampire friend and then take them to
the beach
I got pretty good at it I got pretty
good at it
you know I didn't yeah I just I didn't
say to n-word I didn't say I wasn't
allowed I didn't start saying until like
eleventh grade right that's when I just
started decided to say to n-word and by
then you miss your n-word motor skills
you can't say it right like it would
Center I would walk down the hall people
like hey what's up man hey what's up ah
ah I know you're black but it's that
hard are man you know some people some
people can't say it and wear some black
people cannot say it it's true
can you imagine seal saying and we're
know right you can't have seal at the
Grammys talking about everywhere
you can't have that you can't have like
Obama up there just talking in judges
like giving a press conference or
something like that and just have it
turn into def Comedy Jam or something
he's like as we stand here today there
are still some Americans who don't
believe I have their best interests at
heart and I'd like to put those fears to
rest today but before I do then I'd like
to talk about how be trippin be trippin
especially when [ __ ] be around
because [ __ ] be wanting to go to the
Cheesecake Factory and they be getting
their cheesecake with blueberries
strawberries and caramels and I'd be
like [ __ ] that is expensive
[Applause]