Once upon a time, toy companies would seemingly sell anything they could think of to kids,
regardless of whether it made any sense.
After enough kids were maimed or outright killed by stupid toys, though, the government
began regulating this stuff — but not before a number of insane products made it to market.
Here's a look at some of the most dangerous toys ever sold to the public.
Austin Magic Pistol
If you think it's a good idea to provide unstable explosives to small children, well, have we
got the toy for you!
Back in the 1940s, a toy gun called the Austin Magic Pistol was released.
The idea was to shoot ping pong balls.
But rather than using springs or something, the Austin Magic Pistol achieved this by using
calcium carbide, which would explode when water — or just plain spit — was added.
Instant fireball!
Oh, and the gun's breech was barely screwed on and would blow off, scorching the face
of the poor kid firing it with acetylene gas.
Needless to say, the toy didn't last long, and is now a collector's item.
Especially since so many of them simply exploded.
Whoops.
Moon Shoes
Trampolines are dangerous.
And even more so when they're built right into your shoes, as kids learned starting
in the 1950s.
The Space Shoes craze resulted in a slew of broken ankles, elbows, and other bones.
But that didn't stop Nickelodeon from bringing the redesigned, rebranded Moon Shoes back
in the 90s.
Because those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it.
One small step for man, one giant leap for emergency room procedures.
Battlestar Galactica Colonial Viper
In 1978, Mattel released the Battlestar Galactica Colonial Viper, which had an awesome spring-loaded
plastic missile kids could fire.
They don't make them like this anymore, and for good reason.
Unfortunately, a four-year-old toddler died after placing the nose of the toy into his
mouth and accidentally firing the missile down his throat.
The incident had one other notable side effect as well.
The original Boba Fett action figure, which was in still in development at the time, was
originally going to have a spring-loaded rocket you could fire from his jetpack.
This was quickly abandoned, but not until a few prototypes were made, which are now
among the most valuable collectible toys in the world.
Just… don't actually play with it.
"Awesome!"
Sky Dancers
Kids like dolls, and they also like helicopters, right?
So Galoob Toys married the two ideas together and created a series of dolls called Sky Dancers
in the late 1990s.
The dolls would fly, yes.
But they did so erratically, and — just like grapefruit juice — the Sky Dancers
usually wound up shooting into someone's unsuspecting eyes.
The toys were recalled after the company received over 150 reports of the dolls hitting people,
causing scratched corneas, as well as shattered teeth, a broken rib, and even a concussion.
Naturally, they're now back on the market.
The Gilbert Glass Blowing Kit for Boys
If you think your kid could do with a new hobby and you also need some new glassware
around the house, then go and find yourself the Gilbert Glass Blowing Kit right now.
This terrifying toy, which came out a century ago, was marketed as a necessary device to
help children learn a valuable skill.
What it actually taught them was arson.
The kit, which didn't come with any protective gear of any kind, encouraged children to use
their bare hands when working with glass at approximately 1,000 degrees Fahrenheit.
But hey, at least they learned the science of glass.
"it's a creative toy, you know, if you hold this up you all the colors of the rainbow.
It teaches em about light refraction see prisms and that stuff, yea yea."
The Gilbert Atomic Energy Lab
Speaking of the Gilbert company's totally safe, not at all horrific toys, in 1950, they
decided to one-up themselves with The Gilbert Atomic Energy Lab, which actually contained
real samples of uranium-238, which is radioactive, and which is used to make plutonium-239, the
main ingredient used in atomic weapons.
Of course, kids weren't putting together little Manhattan Projects in their garages with these
samples.
No, they were just getting cancer.
The toy was discontinued two years later.
That's right: it took two years.
CSI Fingerprint Analysis Kit
Back when CSI was one of the most popular shows on television, CBS decided to cash in
by making a toy crime scene kit for kids, who could then live out their dream of dusting
a murdered mall Santa for fingerprints.
Amazingly, though, this toy was even worse than it sounds, because the fingerprint powder
in the kit actually contained asbestos, widely known to be a cancer-causing material, in
a handy, easily inhaled form.
It took CBS 20 months of litigation before they settled a class action lawsuit and recalled
the toy.
And you thought Happy Fun Ball was dangerous...
"Discontinue the use of happy-fun-ball if any of the following occurs:"
"Itching"
"Vertigo"
"Dizziness"
"Tingling of the extremities"
Loss of balance or coordination"
Cabbage Patch Snacktime Doll
There was a simple idea behind the Cabbage Patch Snacktime Doll: make a doll that could
actually chew, so you could pretend to feed it stuff.
Fun!
Unfortunately, programming for robot dolls wasn't so great in the 1980s, so once this
thing started chewing, it couldn't stop.
That's where this goes from adorable to horrible, because numerous incidents came out where
the doll would get a hold of a young girl's hair and chomp away until it pulled it right
out of her scalp.
Now where could Mattel have gotten the idea for this toy in the first place?
Oh yeah!
"Arrrrgh!"
"Ahhh!"
Magnetix Magnetic Building Sets
Science is fun.
Until it kills you.
That was the lesson parents learned in horrible fashion back in 2006, when the Consumer Product
Safety Commission issued the first of what would be multiple recalls of the magnetic
building kits issued by Magnetix.
Magnets, as you probably know, tend to attract each other, which, when swallowed, caused
a number of children to require emergency surgery to clear intestinal blockages.
Sounds like some kids didn't remember that age old proverb:
"Don't"
"Eat"
"Metal"
"DON'T EAT METAL!"
If they had all just listened to Insane Clown Posse and rightfully feared what no one understands,
this might never have happened.
"F*** Magnets: how do they work?"
Thank you, Professor Shaggy 2 Dope.
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