- This is fun.
I'm glad I said yes to this.
Do you usually do this for, like, people in jail?
- Before that.
- Oh, cool.
- [Interviewer] Is your name Amy Beth Schumer?
- Yes.
- [Interviewer] Were you born on June 1st?
- Yes.
- [Interviewer] Have you ever taken a polygraph test before?
- No.
- [Interviewer] Are you nervous for this test?
- Yes.
- [Interviewer] Why?
- I guess the atmosphere.
- [Interviewer] Let's start with your career.
In the movie "Train Wreck,"
you play a writer at a magazine.
Why do you think all female leads
in romcom's are working in magazines?
- Because we lack, we lack creativity as writers.
That's not why?
- [Interviewer] Not a clear reading.
[Amy laughing]
Why do we all work in magazines?
I don't know.
- [Interviewer] You shot some intimate scenes with this man.
- I recognize him.
- [Interviewer] You were quoted as saying,
"It's a whole universe, that butt, it's not even human."
Do you stand by that statement?
- I don't remember what John Cena's butt looked like,
I don't think.
- [Interviewer] Are you sure?
- I can't picture his butt.
- She's telling the truth.
- [Interviewer] What was it like to be his first sex scene?
- It was an honor.
- [Interviewer] Would you work with him again?
- Yes, I'd love to work with him again.
- [Interviewer] Do you think
that he would wanna work with you again?
- Yes, I do.
- [Interviewer] Why?
- Because I'm a pleasure to be around.
- [Interviewer] Would you say Johns Cena
is a better love interest than this man?
[Amy laughing]
- No, I wouldn't say that John is a better love interest
than Michael Cera.
- [Interviewer] What makes Michael Cera
a better love interest?
- I think he's a heartthrob.
- [Interviewer] What makes him a heartthrob?
- I think Michael Cera just has that thing
where you see him and you, just, love him right away.
- [Interviewer] Is he your celebrity crush?
- No.
- [Interviewer] Then who is your celebrity crush?
- Christian Bale.
- [Interviewer] Is he your hall pass?
- I don't think my husband would let me fuck Christian Bale.
I think there'd be repercussions.
- You're telling the truth.
- [Interviewer] You starred in a super bowl commercial
for Hellman's Mayonnaise,
do you get a lifetime supply of free mayo?
- Despite my letters, no.
I did not get even one free jar of mayonnaise.
- [Interviewer] Your role in the commercial
was Fairy God-Mayo.
Would you consider this a career high?
- No, I would not.
I did it for the money.
I can now buy my own mayo.
- [Interviewer] Was playing fairy God-Mayo
better than roasting Charlie Sheen on Comedy Central?
- No, No, it was not.
It was better to roast Charlie Sheen on Comedy Central.
- [Interviewer] What made it better?
- Artistic merit,
and Mike Tyson.
- [Interviewer] Did you roast Mike Tyson
more than you roasted Charlie Sheen?
- At a certain point, yes.
He was heckling me,
and I asked if his interpreter was there.
- [Interviewer] You've been doing standup
for more than 20 years. - Is that true?
- [Interviewer] You tell me.
- I don't know.
- [Interviewer] How long have you been doing standup?
- I think, 16 years.
- [Interviewer] Would you say you're good at math?
- No.
- [Interviewer] Coming up with new material is difficult,
have you ever stolen a joke?
- No.
- Yes, she's telling the truth.
- [Interviewer] What about an idea for a sketch?
- No.
- [Interviewer] An idea for a character?
- No.
- [Interviewer] Let me rephrase.
Have you ever taken inspiration for a joke
from somebody else?
- No.
- [Interviewer] At the end of "Train Wreck,"
your character attempts to do a crazy basketball dunk,
did you do your own stunts?
- No, but I asked to.
- [Interviewer] What made you think you could?
- I think an inflated sense of self.
- [Interviewer] Why do you think they said no?
- Because they could see
that I was working with limited capabilities, physically.
- [Interviewer] That's understandable.
Do you remember where you end up working
at the end of "Train Wreck?"
- Yes, I believe it was "Vanity Fair."
- [Interviewer] Let's talk about your life.
- Okay.
- [Interviewer] You married your first husband,
Chris Fischer.
- My first husband, yes.
- [Interviewer] After less than a year of dating,
is that true?
- Yeah.
- [Interviewer] Would you say you move quickly?
- Yes.
- [Interviewer] Why are you smiling?
- Because I love him, and this picture is funny,
because he's bad on red carpets.
- [Interviewer] What makes him bad on red carpets?
Is this an ongoing issue?
- I embrace it.
- [Interviewer] Is it true Chris proposed to you
while you were sleeping?
- I had just woken up.
I was still in bed and he never actually proposed.
He just, kind of,
sat on my chest and gave me,
handed me the ring.
It was not romantic,
at all.
- [Interviewer] Was there any part of you
that wanted to say no, based on that proposal?
- No.
- [Interviewer] Was your proposal what you imagined
it would be like?
- I had never imagined anyone proposing to me.
I don't know, it just, sort of, wasn't part of my dreams.
Despite all the Disney movies.
- [Interviewer] Did Disney movies
give you unrealistic expectations about love?
- Yeah, except for maybe "Moana,"
she loves the ocean.
- [Interviewer] Have you seen "Encanto?"
- I have seen "Encanto," so many times, and I love it.
And my son and I listen to, what he calls,
the strong song a lot.
Which is actually titled "Surface Pressure."
- [Interviewer] Do you consider yourself a cool parent?
- Yeah.
- [Interviewer] Why?
- Well, we already discussed, "Encanto."
- [Interviewer] So cool parents are watching "Encanto?"
- Yes.
- Mm, hmm.
- [Interviewer] When you named your son,
were you going for the laugh?
- Nope.
- [Interviewer] What happened
- As we discussed, I'm impulsive,
and don't really think things through,
and that's when it happened.
- [Interviewer] That's when what happened?
- When I named my son, Gene Attell Fischer.
- [Interviewer] When did you realize the error?
- About a month after he was born.
It happens to everyone, right?
- No.
- No, okay.
- [Interviewer] Did you get a lower back tattoo
in high school?
- I think it was the summer going into college.
- [Interviewer] Do you regret this tattoo?
- It's not great.
So,
yeah, probably,
it's not good.
- [Interviewer] Do you still have it?
- Yeah.
- [Interviewer] Why haven't you gotten it removed?
- I got it at a really shitty place on,
on Astor place and they went too deep, so it keloided,
so it's, kind of, raised.
So, if I got it removed, it would just, kind of,
be like a raised tribal situation.
- [Interviewer] In 2015,
you were invited to the Time 100 Gala,
and had to fall on the red carpet.
In retrospect, do you regret this moment?
[Amy laughing]
- I do not regret that moment.
I threw myself on the ground
because I thought it would be funny.
- [Interviewer] Did anyone help you up?
- No, yeah, nobody really rushed over.
- [Interviewer] Was this an attempt
at becoming friends with Kim?
- Not in the moment.
But she did seem like she wanted to laugh,
and now we are friends.
- [Interviewer] Is she your favorite Kardashian?
- She's my number one Kardashian.
- [Interviewer] Where does Chloe fall into all of this?
- Chloe, I really like Chloe,
and I hope she one day forgives me
for mentioning her in my SNL monologue.
- [Interviewer] You were once photographed
dancing on Billy Joel's piano with Jennifer Lawrence.
Was alcohol involved?
- Yes.
- [Interviewer] How much?
- I think, probably a lot.
- [Interviewer] Has motherhood changed you for the better?
- Yeah.
- [Interviewer] Has motherhood
changed Jennifer for the better?
- I've only texted with her, but I bet it, I bet it has.
- [Interviewer] So you haven't met the baby?
- No.
- [Interviewer] Do you know the baby's name?
- Yes,
Hitler.
Is that true?
- No.
- Okay, I don't know the baby's name.
She's smart enough not to tell me, but it might be Hitler.
- [Interviewer] Final question.
Did you lie at any point during this lie detector test,
and we didn't catch you?
- No.
- Inconclusive.
- Do I have to go to jail?
- No, we're gonna let you off this time.
[Amy sighing] - Don't leave town.
- Okay.