'Tell me you don't like nasty.'
Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
‘Somebody with a sick sense of humour’
Alien Intruder sounds like yet another Alien rip-off like Forbidden World, Creepozids, that one with Bryan Cranston.
‘Dead Space, gentlemen’
That’s it. All of which and more we have reviewed. But this is so much more.
‘You feeling horny?’
Maybe not that much more.
'Status, distress beacon activated.'
We open on the USS Holly, lost in space as its crew do battle.
‘You wanna dance Boorman?’
‘Dance on this!’
With each other. Apparently over a woman.
‘I saw her first’
Now, Tracy Scoggins, of The New Adventures of Superman and Babylon 5.
maybe a woman worth killing your crewmates over
'Not having your best day are you captain.'
but there’s more going on here.
'In Gods name, don't do this.'
'Arial?'
The sequence ends as the last man commits suicide.
‘Oh, come on sport there’s no need to be so melodramatic’
And the story relocates to earth, in the year...
‘2022 AD’
This was made in 1993, someone had a lot of faith in science, and none in mankind.
We’re now in New Alcatraz prison.
'Let me in.'
Lando!
Billy Dee Williams getting the Marlon Brando award for "That's a full days work, now give me a paycheck."
‘I’m looking for a few good men’
Does anyone know where I can stream it?
Lando is here to recruit prisoners Dirty Dozen style for a dangerous mission;
selecting them for their skills.
‘Mancuso, Nick. Navigator 1st class’
A navigator.
‘A real computer jock’
‘He’s as good as they get’
Computer whizz.
‘Crane, Lloyd. Demolitions expert, flew an armoured car, took out a pizza shop - five dead.’
explosives expert, and…
‘Drunk driving, wiped out an entire family on the autobahn outside Huston.’
The drunk driver is integral to my plan.
Though of course, these men do have character beyond these skills.
‘What do you want, I got a dick with a will of iron’
Given the choice between death in space and life in prison they choose life, but Lando has an enticement.
‘The Aphrodite Program’
The what?
‘Friday nights at 5 o’clock, you all have the weekend off’
They agree to the mission as long as it comes with virtual sex.
‘Well hot #naughty word youtube hates# damn’
Now, after some years in prison, I’ll buy that, but it raises questions about their fantasies.
‘Well hot #naughty word youtube hates# damn’
‘Frank Strange and his gang are coming into town on the noon train.’
Why did I fantasise a storyline taking me away from the girl.
'Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but some day.'
Why did I fantasise myself into the era of censorship we can’t even share a bed!
And why did I fantasise a lengthy road trip with a bunch of guys?
Culminating in a swearing competition.
‘#Naughty word# you’
‘No, #Naughty word# you’
You win this round.
Navigator Mancuso isn’t even interested in his own fantasy.
‘Amazing , simply amazing’
But all these virtual worlds have one thing in common.
'A cheek-to-cheek snow day.'
'Leave my Grandfather alone.'
'Oh Darlin' I've bought you a big 'ole piece of meat here.'
The girl from the opening scene.
So this isn’t just a way to crowbar in some sex.
‘Tarnation, Lord your some kind of mule ain’t you.’
Back in the real world, Lando is acting suspicious.
‘You’re taking us into G sector’
‘You got a problem with that?’
and when the weekend rolls around, something is wrong.
Oh, my fantasy sucks.
Now who am I going to have sex with?
'Do my back cowboy.'
Sometimes when God closes a door he fills a bathtub.
'She's not supposed to die.'
And this pattern is repeated through the fantasies.
'Wait a second, what about your grandfather?'
'Screw him.'
with only Mancuso as disinterested in the new girl as he was in the one he dreamed up.
‘But we’ve all seen her right, it’s the same woman’
Something’s going on, and Lando clearly knows what.
They reach the stranded Holly.
‘The G sector’
It’s a lovely spot if you can find it.
And go onboard to learn what we already know.
'Oh jesus christ.'
Back on their own ship. The woman, known as Ariel, has come into the real world, but…
'Cup of coffee too much for you?'
‘You killed her, god damn it you killed her.’
Now would be the time I’d quite appreciate some explanations.
‘It’s a virus’
but no ordinary virus.
‘You mean its alive?’
As they did on the Holly, things become violent.
'She ain't real is she.'
Lando has prior experience of Ariel.
‘She’s mine, Mancuso’
and engineered this mission just to see her again.
He had fun last time.
‘I got off, ten seconds before she blew’
You must be very proud.
‘And you know, pride makes me horny’
Ariel is some kind of alien who can infiltrate the computer and the minds of the crew,
seducing them to the extent that they will kill each other rather than let her go.
‘I just like you best’
‘It’s been nice knowing you, you bitch’
Except for Mancuso.
‘Three, Two... Goodbye’
Does seem like the alien plan relies on earth sending men with a one-track mind,
and there being no female astronauts –
which might have been the sensible alternative to horny convicts.
So, this is a potentially interesting spin on Alien, more psychological than visceral,
almost like Solaris.
Except it gets bogged down in pleasing a certain bracket of the audience, basically this guy.
‘Ice cold brews, served up by the most naked women you’ve ever seen’
But what struck me is how much it reminds me of various episodes of sci-fi sitcom Red Dwarf.
But without the jokes.
Whether it’s computer programs creating your fantasy,
alien’s taking the form of beautiful women,
'What are you looking for?'
1940s movies.
'What are you doing here.'
cowboys,
'Looks they spotted us for what we are, a bunch of mean assed desperados.'
I’m not going to list them all – join us on Patreon if you want to see that –
and it could all be a coincidence, some of those episodes post-date the film, it’s just a bit odd.
‘Somebody’s screwing with us, big time’
Thanks for watching. To see an uncensored version of this review, join us on Patreon as an acolyte.
Is it just me? Is this Red Dwarf? What other films do you see connections in that may not be there?
Let us know in the comments below.
'Say goodbye dickhead.'