well then I just might have the perfect
product for you
I'm Roger and this is a youth edgy isn't
he does he make you feel insecure why
not try a metal tube of caffeinated
sparkling chemicals there are a lot of
ways to get caffeine into your blood and
you know all about those because you are
so very addicted to caffeine so I know
what you're thinking why should you ever
pick my horribly unhealthy impressively
overpriced and transcendently bad
tasting product dance our simple some
things I found out about during market
research
you know people make fun of middle-aged
millionaire white men in suits for not
knowing what's cool but frankly I think
we nailed it
hang loose bruh very loose Anthony our
studies show that if we pair our tube of
caffeine with visuals of extreme sports
and people performing incredible feats
of athleticism that you'll associate it
with a heightened masculinity and a
boundless almost superhuman level of
energy if you want to transform yourself
into a white-hot ball of explosive
energy you'll chug a few of our metal
cylinders of poison even if they do
taste like a bunch of sweet tarts that
got peed on that's it
that's accurate that's that's the taste
extreme taste and extreme chemicals
unlike coffee and tea which are totally
natural stimulants humans have been
enjoying responsibly for thousands of
years
Horton's metal tube of caffeinated
sparkling chemicals is jam-packed with
fancy words like Tory ginseng and
vitamin b12 of course none of these
things give you energy or really do much
of anything and one of them is almost
certainly a spelling error on the label
the only important ingredients are the
caffeine and the sugar and of course
there's less caffeine and you'd get in a
cup of coffee and less sugar than you'd
get in a bottle of soda and if we're
being nitpicky here the caffeine doesn't
really give you energy either it just
blocks the receptors in your brain that
are supposed to know how tired you are
technically your body can convert sugar
to energy but it's pretty much the worst
way to do that and the only reason we're
putting sugar and here is because it's
more addictive than caffeine or even
heroin let's go to a skate park or you
know a rough approximation of a skate
park I'm only here to associate my
product with exciting extreme sports
even though these two things objectively
don't support each other most of the
people who drink my product should wear
a helmet because they will crash not on
their skateboards but in their
bloodstream all that energy from sugar
has been a
off quick turning them into useless
drooling idiots until they get their
mitts on another tube of Hortons
sparkling brain poison
seriously though put on your helmet you
making me nervous
putting this much crap in your body will
damage your concentration judgment
self-control as well as a host of others
let's get out of here
thanks to loopholes in FDA regulations
we still don't have to tell you how much
caffeine is even in our beverage kind of
like how we make our labels bright
colors to pretend it's not a strange
brown color a good way to distract
yourself from this being the exact color
of poop is to mix it with fermented
potatoes and cereal greens that way
you're drinking two kinds of poison one
that impairs your decision-making and
motor skills and another that takes away
your ability to tell if your decision
and motor skills are impaired so please
make metal tubes of caffeinated
sparkling syrup a part of your daily
routine
if you do it long enough your body will
become so accustomed to the chemicals
that it becomes medically dangerous to
cut back and you'll keep sucking it down
right up to the moment your liver
detonates in your belly at age 32
I'd say detonates there's supposed to be
a sound thingy accompanying when I say
detonate there it is that for your liver
extreme right okay
you've been rogered
[Music]
hey guys thanks for watching this video
like and subscribe and in this video is
Hayley Mancini and Dillon seen you guys
at Hayley Mancini at Dylan John Seton
yeah and you can find me at cracked yum
poop