>> IT'S TIME FOR, IT WAS THE WORST OF TIMES, IT WAS THE WORST
OF TIMES.
IT'S TIME TO ANGERLY SWIPE EVERYTHING OFF THE NIGHT STAND.
TOMORROW DONALD TRUMP IS RELEASING HIS BOOK "CRIPPLED
AMERICA, HOW TO MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN."
I HAVE TO BE HONEST I HAVEN'T READ IT YET.
BUT I'M GUESSING ALL THE PAGES LOOK LIKE THIS.
[LAUGHING] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> NOW COMEDIANS SINCE I'M NOT SURE WE WILL ALL READ THIS RIGHT
AWAY, I WOULD LIKE YOU TO BE OUR CLIFFSNOTES AND GIVE US AS MANY
CHAPTERS FROM THIS BOOK AS YOU CAN IN 60 SECONDS AND BEGIN.
>> VIETNAM, PAYING TAXES AND OTHER THINGS I'VE AVOIDED.
>> WHY I WROTE A BOOK WHEN ALL MY FANS ARE ILLITERATE.
>> POINTS.
>> WHY I HATE ALL IMMIGRANTS EXCEPT MY MOTHER AND MY WIVES.
>> ELIZA.
>> DUMB BROADS WHO THINK I'M CHAUVINISTIC.
>> POINTS. DAVE HILL.
>> FIVE MEXICANS I'M NOT EXACTLY CRAZY ABOUT.
>> POINTS.
ELIZA.
>> PENELOPE CRUZ AND OTHER HISPANICS WHO CAN STAY.
>> DAVE HILL.
>> FIVE THINGS I WOULD USE A MEXICAN FOR IF I ABSOLUTELY HAD
TO.
>> COMB, PRAY, LOVE.
>> FIVE PEOPLE I THOUGHT WERE MEXICAN WHO TURNED OUT TO NOT BE
MEXICAN.
>> POINTS.