I know you're in pain, you just found out your spouse is
cheating on you, and you're not sure what to do. Hi, I'm Melody
Oseguera. And I'm the director of coaching at marriage helper,
I want you to be sure that you stay tuned to the end of the
video where I'm going to give you a link to a resource that's
going to be very beneficial for you in your situation. Like I
said, I know you're in pain, and you really don't know what to
do. So let me give you a few tips that are going to be very
beneficial for you to start healing your pain. The first tip
is, you want to get support, but not from your friends and
family. Many times people will begin to share things with their
friends and family. And although they mean will, they don't
always give the best advice. They're hurting because you're
hurting. And so they're going to give you advice based upon that
pain. What you really want to do is reach out to someone that is
not emotionally connected to your situation like one of our
coaches. So they can teach you the steps that you need to take
begin to heal and the things that you can do to improve the
chances of reconciling with your spouse. The next step in healing
your pain is to start improving yourself. I know that you don't
feel like doing things, taking steps that you need to improve
yourself. But it really is the thing that's going to give it
the emotional endurance to be able to endure all that you're
about to enter. You do that by working on what we call pas,
where you're working on yourself physically, intellectually,
emotionally, and spiritually. We have resources out there, we
have free videos that you can watch, where we teach you what
that means. Another way to improve yourself is do self
care, where you do things like going to get your hair done,
take a walk, get a massage, those types of things where
you're kind of pouring and investing into yourself can be
very beneficial to get you through the low spots. The next
tip is learn to channel your pain. See right now your spouse
is not available for you. They are not paying attention to you.
They don't really even care how you feel at this moment. But you
have all this pain. And many times what people try to do is
stuff the pain down and not deal with it. But that's one of the
worst things that you can do. So let me give you the things that
you can do that can improve that pain give you a place to channel
that pain journal, I started a purge journal where I began to
write all the negative feelings that I had all the pain that I
had, when I was done with that, I would tear it up in a million
little pieces. And I would throw in the trash. And that
symbolizes to me letting go of that pain, not holding on to it.
Another thing is mindfulness training. It's where you center
your thoughts on something else, instead of what's going on with
you and your spouse. meditation helps as well. Prayer in many
cases, whatever it is channeled that pain somewhere, don't hold
on to it, because it will fester. And it'll get worse,
channel it and get rid of it. The next step is to know that
through this entire process, you are going to feel pain, just
because you're channeling your pain to other things. Just
because you're doing self care and working on your past, it
doesn't make the pain go away, you have to walk through the
process of that pain, but you'll get much better at it. So let me
just give you this illustration, if I have to walk through a
desert, and I have to carry a 50 pound bag, and that 50 pound bag
represents the pain that I'm in. As I walk through the desert, I
may be thirsty and may get tired. But at the end of the
desert, I'm actually going to be stronger because I'm carrying
something else. So although the pain is hard, and we want the
pain to go away, it actually is building emotional endurance and
strength in you strength that you've never had before. And no,
it's not the best way to get it. But it's something that's going
to be beneficial for you. At the end of the process.
No overtime, you're going to get better at this. It's not going
to be as hard as it is right now. Now, it's not going to be
easy. But you're going to get better and better at it. You can
heal through this process. Even though the pain keeps coming and
coming events keep occurring that's causing you more and more
pain, you can begin to heal from the very first moment until it
ends. One of the best ways to start healing is to start
forgiving, you might say but they're not even sorry. That's
okay. They don't have to be sorry for you to begin to
forgive them. And yes, I know that's hard. Yes, I know, there
are some days that you don't even want to forgive them
because you are so hurt. But it's one of the best things that
you can give yourself. You have to know that you have to accept
that there are no guarantees in this process. You can do all the
things perfectly right. And at the end of the process, your
spouse may not want to come back. But know that in that
process, you're building the best version of yourself this
beautiful person that is much better than they were at the
beginning of the process. You have to accept your spouse feels
the way that They feel, I know that is painful, especially if
they don't want you. But in order to start healing, in order
for your emotions to subside, you have to get to the place of
accepting that your spouse feels that way. The next thing is that
you have to accept you see, many times in the process, people
begin to think, Well, maybe if I didn't do that, or maybe if I
did this better than this wouldn't have happened. But
again, there's no guarantee that there would have been a
different outcome. So accept the things that you did, and then
accept that you can take steps to move forward into healing and
into improving your situation. The reason why I talk about
acceptance is because Carl Rogers says that, if we accept
who we are, we will change and if we begin to accept people for
who they are, they will change. So acceptance is key into
healing into moving you forward in this process. I want you to
know that there's still hope, and know that your life feels
devastated. I know that you can barely pick yourself up off the
ground. But I want to encourage you to reach out to us today,
let us help you begin to work on these steps that I gave you
today. And I'm telling you, your situation will get better. There
are no guarantees. But if anything works, this will work.
If you begin to take the steps to heal, you're already
improving your situation. I told you about a free resource at the
beginning of this video. I want you to click the link so you can
get a free mini course on how to get your spouse to fall back in
love with you. I know you're in pain. I want to encourage you
today that there is hope in this situation. And don't give up.
I'll see you in the next video.