-I know y'all probably know a lot about me,
but there are some things about me that make me different
from other late-night hosts, you know?
You've probably heard me talk about them before.
And I'm so thrilled to champion yet another group
of underrepresented people in this country.
Okay?
Because I remember the first time
I came out to my friends.
As a vegetarian.
Oh, you thought I was going to talk about other stuff? Nah.
Okay? Proud vegetarian right here.
And it wasn't easy when I first decided to become a vegetarian.
Mostly because none of my friends knew what it was.
I remember the day I told them,
"I think I'm going to become a vegetarian."
One of my friends was like,
"Oh, so you're going to take care of horses?"
I originally decided to become a vegetarian
because I figured if I could live without killing an animal,
why shouldn't I?
Now, don't get me wrong. Okay?
I would eat meat if it was a matter of survival.
Like, if I was on "The Hunger Games", I'd eat meat.
I'd definitely eat meat.
Meat is my nickname for Liam Hemsworth.
[ Laughter ]
Thirsty!
I first tried to become a vegetarian when I was a kid.
See, but there was one small thing that made it difficult.
I didn't like vegetables.
I mean, the only vegetable I would ever eat
is maybe a tomato, okay?
If that tomato was mashed up and spread on some bread.
Maybe a little cheese on there, you know?
Bake it at 400 degrees. Okay, pizza!
I'm talking about pizza! Okay.
One reason I wanted to go vegetarian
was to help save the environment.
Like, did you know that livestock farms account for 18%
of the Earth's greenhouse emissions?
Did you know that? Yeah.
The other 82% -- every "Fast and the Furious" movie.
[ Laughter ]
When I went to -- You all think I'm so funny.
I'm just dumb, honestly.
When I went to university, being a vegetarian got a lot easier.
It was like I was finally able
to diversify the food I was eating, you know?
Like, instead of eating french fries all the time,
I'd have a couple sweet-potato fries, too.
Just mix it up.
Now that I live in L.A., I've found that being a vegetarian
is a really great way to meet people.
I'm being serious, okay?
You'd be shocked how many numbers I've got
just by hanging out in the produce section, okay?
Yeah, there's eggplants and peaches for days,
and I ain't talking about the one on the shelves, okay?
Ooh!
When I first started getting serious
about being a vegetarian, I was so healthy.
You know? Because I couldn't eat a whopper.
I couldn't eat a Big Mac.
But now every fast-food restaurant
has vegetarian options!
I'm driving through,
I'm getting a Beyond Burger with cheese and mayo,
a side of fries, a chocolate-chip cookie.
It's all vegetarian. It's horrible.
I even heard that White Castle serves Impossible meat now.
And I thought they already served Impossible meat,
because there's no possible way that was ever real meat.
[ Laughter ]
One thing that's especially irritating
about being vegetarian is when people confuse it
with being vegan.
Trust me. If someone's vegan, they'll tell you.
It's even more irritating when people are like,
"Oh, so you don't want to kill living things?
Well, what about all the plants you're killing?
Oh, my God. Plant killer!"
Like, what am I supposed to eat?
My rule is I don't eat anything that has eyes.
Except for potatoes.
Kill all those mother [bleep].
[ Imitating gun cocking and firing ]
I just murdered Mr. Potato Head.
Who am I?
Being a vegetarian is especially challenging
when you have to travel a lot, like I do.
Y'all know what I'm talking about?
Like, when I get on a plane, it doesn't matter
if I call ahead or send an e-mail or send a raven, okay?
100% of the time, they never have a vegetarian option for me.
And the process is so confusing.
Like, when you buy a ticket, there is a drop-down menu,
and you have to pick between options like
"Pacific Asian vegetarian," like, "Indian vegetarian,"
"Southeast Bulgarian vegetarian."
I'm like, "What is all --" It's so complicated!
As soon as I get on the plane, I'm like,
"You know what? Just give me the damn chicken!
Okay? God! You win! You win!"
But this -- [ Laughs ]
It's so true. This is a biography right now.
But I just want to say that if you're on the fence
about becoming a vegetarian, I highly recommend it.
You're saving animals. You're saving the planet.
You're saving a lot of time at Thanksgiving. I'm just saying.
But it's not always easy, though.
It can be tough, because you're often saying,
"No, thank you. I don't eat that."
So, I'm glad that in my dating life, I have more options
and I pretty much always get to say, "Yeah, I'll eat that."