♪ (TRANQUIL MUSIC PLAYS) ♪
You mean to tell me
we couldn't get front row seats to this event
when Mary's organizing the whole thing?
I thought she was supposed to be our girl.
Well you know I'd rather swim in an unparted Red Sea than gossip,
but I heard she put nothing but her fellow prostitutes
up in front.
Talking 'bout some, "the meek shall inherit the earth."
(SCOFFS) Meek where? They got their ankles out!
No offense.
I don't think there's anything wrong
with showing a little ankle.
Some of us have to use our God given assets
to make ends meet.
What ends do you have to make meet?
-Baby, you live in a cave. -Yeah.
Don't act like you've never slept with some mens to pay your cave rent.
No! Why would we do that? It's literally free.
They're just holes in the sides of mountains.
You kick the bear out and move in.
Why would you pay for something that God just gave you?
It's the one thing we have free in this life.
I thought that was loaves and fishes.
Them too.
Loaves, fishes, cave rent. All free?
-All free! There's no rent! -Cave rent is not a thing!
Don't you have some tea about the crucifixion?
Because I'm done talking about my cave rent.
Yes! Speaking of caves,
you know I'm third cousins with Pontius Pilate, right?
Okay, well he washed his whole hands of this thing
before the crucifixion.
So if Jesus resurrects, he gonna look crazy.
This whole Christ-chella week has been crazy.
First, they put us at the kiddy table at the Last Supper.
Who knew it was the Last Supper?
I thought I was just going to supper.
They didn't tell me it was the Last Supper.
-I would've dressed up. -That one hurt.
Then, I'm front row at the crucifixion.
I don't know how I'm gonna get those images out of my mind.
PRISCILLA: Just blood everywhere.
-I haven't slept a night since. -Listen...
-That was the worst seat in the house. -PRISCILLA, HANNAH: The worst.
Now, Jesus is supposed to rise from the dead,
and I'm standing here looking at the backs of heads.
-Oh, God. -Lord have mercy.
(GROANS)
♪ (SINGING TUNE) ♪
Oh! (GIGGLES) Ladies, you made it.
-Hey, Mary. -What's up, Mary?
-What are you doing back here? -You told us to stand here.
Oh, Ruth! Are you Lot's wife?
No... why?
Because you're so... (WHISPERS) ...salty.
Hey, Mary. I heard you're doing a lot
with the disciple's pillars now that Jesus is gone.
Hardly. And he's not gone. He's gonna resurrect any minute.
It's just too bad that you guys won't be able to see it all the way from back here.
It must suck to be short and poor.
Wait, what does us being poor
have to do with how well we can see?
Oh, I wouldn't know. You should ask a leper.
Those run in your family, don't they, Hannah?
Your dad maybe?
-HANNAH: What'd you just say? -Now-- Oh, boy...
It's my mom, Mary, and you knew that.
That's right. They favor so much.
I feel like for somebody who's always standing right next to Christ,
you don't be listening when he be talking.
At all! Why aren't you nice?
Why are you coming for her leper mom?
I'm not coming for her. Just stating facts.
What's up with this resurrection anyway, Mary?
Okay, 'cause Zechariah prophesied to me
that the Messiah is gonna ride into Jerusalem on a donkey.
Now we out here in the dirt and dust and the only donkey I see
is the ass in front of me.
MARY: Be careful with that gossip, Priscilla,
because the mouths of the righteous produce wisdom,
but a perverse tongue will get cut out. (CLICKS TONGUE)
Oh, Dr. Philistine over here.
How you gonna come at me with verses, when I'm the one that drops verses, okay?
Everybody knows I ghost wrote half of
That was me.
You're a very loud ghost.
RUTH: You know what? Forget the proverbs.
We are going to have a problem
if you don't get us closer to the action.
HANNAH: Mary, I would not have expected this
from a fellow reformed hoe.
Okay? We just trying to Abel, and you keep Cain-ing us.
Farce.
Forgive me. I know not what I do.
Wow! Now you copying Jesus' last words.
Uh-uh-uh. Ain't this about a--
Mary isn't the only one copying other people's words.
Look at Luke and John.
PRISCILLA: Uh-uh! Chiseling off each other's tablets.
RUTH: Did I tell you, or did I tell you?
Oh, Luke and John, Luke and John, John and Luke.
(CHUCKLES) Luke, John...
You just showing your clavicle? For what?
-I'm lusting again, huh? -Yeah.
-HANNAH: I was lusting? -Yeah.
-HANNAH: Right now? -Publicly.
Okay. Anybody have something I can flog myself with?
Well, ladies, I'd love to stay here and chat,
but my Lord and Savior is going to wake up soon.
So, stay dirty and sad.
Tootles!
♪ (SINGS NOTE) ♪
You stink, Mary!
Man, I'm tired of this. Let's get out of here.
Let's just be like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego.
-PRISCILLA: You right. -RUTH: I'm tired of this.
-There's only so much a girl can believe. -Exactly.
Like he's gonna raise from the dead.
(ALL CHEERING)