-I want to share some of my favorite
"Why I'm Single" stories from you guys. Here we go.
This first one is from @wickedclos.
He says, "I order my food...
[ Laughter and applause ]
Can I get a Big Mac?
[ Southern accent ] Yeah, and two cheeseburgers!
[ Normal voice ] And two cheeseburgers.
[ Southern accent ] Super-size that thing, man!
[ Normal voice ] Can you super-size --
Hey, let me order, all right?
-What happens when they pull up, though?
Where's the other dude?
-This one's from @KatyDombroski.
She says, "I tried flirting...
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Blblblblbl! -What?
-[ Laughs ]
-This one from Avi Abrahamsen.
He says, "The last time I was...
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Yeah?
-This one's from @NicoleAsselin1.
She says, "Whenever I wear...
[ Laughter ]
-Wow.
That's good spatial awareness.
-That is -- -Yeah.
-Those are very hairy knees.
-Yeah. -Oy!
-This one's from @KSchafheimer.
She says, "Last night, I punched myself...
[ Laughter ]
That's cute. That's cute.
I don't think -- You shouldn't be single for that.
[ Punching sound ]
[ Laughter ]
This one's from @demaskingtape.
[ Laughter ]
-De-masking?
-De-masking, Am I missing something?
-No. Masking tape. De-masking?
-I know masking tape. De-masking?
Is that, like, to de-mask?
-De-mask somebody? -"Phantom of the Opera" thing?
-Yeah. With tape.
-Hey, how did he get that mask, the phantom of the opera?
-He made it.
-So he like -- Did he smelt it or something?
-Got his face burned with acid or whatever,
and then he made that mask.
-Does he start with a balloon?
-I think he starts with a balloon.
-Okay. -Right?
-And then you use already-read --
yesterday's newspaper. -Right.
-Some flour, water.
-Or -- And he uses plaster of Paris.
'Cause that's where he is.
He does that on there. -That's true, yeah. Yeah.
So, there, they call it...
-Plaster. -...plaster.
-Yeah. -That's correct.
And so the phantom makes the thing, and he cuts it out.
-Right.
-Finds the eye hole.
-Right.
-You know? -Right.
[ Laughter ]
-So he can see.
-♪ The music and the movement of the plaster of Paris mask ♪
-But why --
Is this part of his face that good?
-Well...
-Like, why not just do -- you know.
[ Laughter ]
-Like, one of those -- a regular mask.
Yeah. -Like, yeah,
I'm still the phantom of the opera.
-Right. -I look cooler than --
Who wears a one-sided mask?
-A dude with one side of his face missing.
[ Scattered laughter ]
♪♪
-One side of his face? I never saw the play.
-Oh.
Apparently this side of the face got --
-One side of his face is missing?
-Yeah, it got burnt or something.
-Doesn't mean it's missing.
-There was a fire at the Paris Opera House,
and he's ashamed of it.
-There was a fire at his parents' house,
so he moved into the subway? -No, no, no.
The Paris Opera House...
-Oh, the Paris Opera House. -...not his parents' house.
-Oh, I thought you said a fire at his parents house.
-Yeah. -I think I've seen it.
-Yeah. -Anyways,
I love "Phantom of the Opera" and Andrew Lloyd Webber.
-Yeah.
-This is from --
[ Laughter ]
That's an Andrew Lloyd Webber joint, isn't it?
-Yeah. -[ Laughs ]
-This one is from demaskingtape.
-Oh! Like the phantom.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-You're saying that the phantom -- No, no.
[ Laughs ]
She says, "I once ate...
[ Laughter and applause ]
Don't eat dog biscuits.
-That is ruff. [rough]
-This one is from @MetalFanInBlack.
He says, "I'm single because...
Look at this picture.
Oh, my goodness.
I want to thank Simon Cowell for sending in that --
-Hey-oh!
-Or the phantom.
-Or the phantom of the opera wears the black.
-[ Laughs ] -What happened at the end
of "Phantom of the Opera?"
Do they get married?
-I think he burns alive, doesn't he?
That's just a guess. That's just a guess.
-Does he really? Have you seen it?
-Me? -Yeah.
-Nah.
[ Laughter ]
-No one in this -- No one's seen "Phantom of the Opera?"
-Wait, Stro says he saw it.
-What happened? -What happens at the end?
-I don't remember.
[ Laughter ]
[ Sad tuba notes play ]
[ Sad keyboard notes play ]
-Why would you even say that you saw?
[ Laughter ]
This last one -- -Oh, thank God.
-Last one is -- "I saw it, I saw it.
I don't remember anything.
This last one's from U.S. ski team member, Lindsey Vonn,
our pal!
[ Cheers and applause ]
What?
She played the hashtag game, "Why I'm Single."
She said, "I'm single because I only have
eyes for the Olympics."
Yeah!
"Also, where's my pep talk, coach?"
Oh, I did promise her.
I promised Lindsey I would do a pep talk before the Olympics.
So, they start tomorrow.
Do you guys mind if I give Team USA a little pep talk?
[ Cheers and applause ]
All right. Give me -- Give me my onesie.
Here we go. All right.
I've got to put my onesie on here.
Quest, can I get a drumroll?
[ Drumroll ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Got to get my rat tail.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Drumroll stops ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter continues ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hey, team USA.
Do it!
Just do it!
You're going to the Olympics! I need you to ski!
Bronze did it, silver did it.
So do it! Be the gold!
Ski down the hill! Speed skate!
Triple Lutz!
Sweep the ice! Curl!
You're the best, so be the best, and beat the best!
Do it!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Good luck to all the athletes
competing in the Winter Games next week.