Hi, I'm Nicholeen Peck, and I'm author of the book, Parenting A House United. I teach parenting
and good communication, how to build strong family relationships all over the world through the lens
of self government and in this video, we're talking about how to create a united family.
In this video, we're going to be talking about what is it that's getting in the way
of having a united family nowadays, and key things that families can do to create that
environment where the family is united. So why are families struggling with unity right now? Well,
there are many different reasons for that. There are culprits that are being identified all the
time. So Some neurologists are saying, oh, the digital is really getting in the way. Social
scientists are saying, wait a second, what's happening with the bond between parent and child.
And then there are other people going, wait, I don't know what to do, how come everybody's
emotional all the time. So maybe people are suffering from lack of skill development.
Those are just a few things that are getting in the way of that united feeling in a family. Now,
when we start families, when we create a union between husband and wife, and we start bringing
children into the picture, we want bliss, don't we? Isn't that the whole point? We want to have
this place that feels happy and comforting and connected, so that when we come home,
from all the things that we do every day in the world that we have a refuge to come to.
That's what we want our families to be. The places that fuel us, Ignite us, inspire us,
not the places that overwhelm us and drag us down. I talk to people all the time about how
to strengthen their businesses by strengthening their family bonds because what many people
don't understand is that what happens in their home affects every other thing around them. So
what do we do to create this united family if we are suddenly disconnected from each other and
what does that disconnection even look like? Many people who are disconnected from their families
are experiencing intense amounts of frustration and feeling like they're not understood or valued,
even in their own families. So there are many people who feel isolated and alone, even though
they're living with lots of other people who they really do love. So why is this happening? Well,
it's because many people are focused more on self. In fact, most of the social ideological messaging
involves yourself. What you want, what you get, how you feel, and this comfort that everybody is
looking for? Well, here's the thing, home life is not about how comfortable you are. In fact,
even though we're looking for that bliss, and that haven, it's not about comfort.
It's actually about belonging. This sense of belonging in the family where you know,
these are your people, they care about you and love you, no matter what, that is belonging. And
in a family that's truly united, there is a sense of belonging to a certain group that has a unique
identity no matter what's going on in the world, no matter what's happening politically. You see,
it's all about the lens that you look through. And then our family, we look through the family
lens with a lens of unity. Meaning my involvement in the family isn't about me, it's about the
group. So I have some key tips that I want to share with you that will create a united family.
But probably the most important foundational piece that I could give you before we talk about these
key strategies that you can take is to understand lenses. Meaning, what is it that you are looking
through, as you look at your relationships with your family? Are you looking through the lens of
what you get out of it? Are you looking through the lens of who the people really are? Meaning,
like, where they're going, what their potential is in life? Or are you looking at the lens through
this martyrs lens like, oh, what has to happen to me? How horrible does it have to be? Are you
looking through a political lens at your family and your relationships? Are you looking through
a social lens, or maybe even an academic lens at your family? There are so many different lenses
that a person could look through. In our family, we created years ago, something called a family
vision. This was a picture that we created 20 years in the future for what type of family we wanted
to become and then we deliberately worked on becoming that type of family again and again,
over the years. This lens, this family vision was the thing that would bring us back into check so
that we can maintain family unity, and not get lost in distractions, or other people's agendas,
or just plain old fashioned selfishness. Ask yourself, what picture are you looking through
right now when you decide how you're going to interact with your family? Is it a picture of
potential? Is it a picture that drives you forward as a group? Or is it a picture that is all about
how you feel and what you get out of it, because many people who don't find unity and family,
or who experience dissatisfaction in their family relationships, and bonds are usually people who
are just looking for things for themselves and not people who are remembering that they
are part of a group. The group has to matter, you have to see your identity, not just individually,
but who you are to the group. And if you start shaking that up a bit, if you start saying,
no, I'm not your daughter anymore. Now I am disenfranchising myself from you, that changes the
whole group and if you suddenly pull away from your identity in the group, and then find yourself
not bonded, maybe even feeling like other people don't understand you or care about you, that could
be why. When you entered that group at birth, you had a particular identity with the group,
if you start adjusting that identity too much, the people in the group don't know how to relate
to you. And it actually creates division within the group. If you want togetherness in the group,
you need to remember who you are to each other. I'm going to be sharing with you some of the tips
and strategies that are found in these books and others. But before I do, subscribe. There are so
many videos on this channel that are going to go into details about the elements that I talk about
next. So these books are important because two things I've already discussed are in these books.
The family vision that I talked about that 20 years in the future, who we're becoming, and how
to get people invested in that is in this book, Parenting A House United and this book, which is
also a best selling book called Roles: The Secret to Family, Business and Social Success talks about
how to get the family identities healthy, because sometimes we get selfish in our family, and our
family identities suffer and the fun thing about this book is, it's actually a story about
a family so you see a case study, and then not having their roles and family connections right,
and what they do to improve those relationships through the concept of roles. The next thing that
you might want to understand is the principle of self government. So what is self government? Self
government is being able to determine the cause and effect of any given situation, and possessing
a knowledge of your own behavior so that you can control them. So that means you understand
yourself, how you think, how you feel, how you behave, and you understand what the effects
are of all of those thoughts and behaviors so that you can make the best decisions and plans
for yourself. Wise parents make a great self governing plan for the entire group of the family,
which involves each person having individual plans for how to self govern or control themselves as
well. If we all take responsibility for ourselves, instead of blaming other people for our problems,
then we're always happier, and we open the door to connection, instead of getting offended or
feeling misunderstood and shutting people out. In fact, your communications should increase as each
person decides to take full responsibility for themselves. Now, in order to create an
environment where a person learns self government, it takes two things. A certain type of a tone, and
a certain type of a structure. So let's talk about some of those elements. So let's talk about tone.
There are certain elements that create a great family government, that's the environment that I
like to label for this place where self government can be learned. So in the family, government,
the tone should be a tone of acceptance, love, mercy, understanding, calmness, trust. These are
key things that are going to create good bonds and connections in your family. If you can trust each
other, and in the goodness that's in each person, even when a person makes mistakes on a daily
basis, that's going to allow you to forgive that person, and that person will feel a connection to
you and so they'll want to repent from whatever they did or make it right again. These tone
elements are vital to creating an environment where people can come together. Without that
love and understanding as a foundation, the family will start to be selfish in no time.
Now one of the key pieces that leads to acceptance trust, love, mercy, understanding is the tone
element calmness, and at the end of this video, I'm going to give you a gift that will help you
develop more calmness. Now, one key thing to maintain that tone element of calmness is what
kind of structure you have. So what sorts of skills does your family possess to solve their
problems? Now, there are many different skills that I teach for problem solving and I teach
even certain exercises which we call SODAS, which helped develop the prefrontal cortex,
those things are all contained in my teaching self government courses and books. But I want
to just zero in on a couple of skills right now because there's no way I could go into all
of them and you'll learn more with the free gift. No matter what age your children are,
you're going to want to teach them four basic skills of self government. Now, these children's
books can definitely help if your children are 12, or under, these are fantastic teaching tools
that also reinforce the skills again and again, and they're way fun to read. So what are the
four basic skills taught in these four children's books? They are the skills following instructions,
accepting "no" answers and criticism, accepting consequences, and disagreeing appropriately.
So let's just take one of those skills and see how it helps with unity. Let's take the skill,
accepting "no" answers and criticism. How many times do you have to give a child a "no" answer? Well,
if you're a good parent, you know this is going to happen probably almost every day. So how do
you accept a "no" answer? Well, there are four steps to accepting a "no" answer. You look at the person
or the situation, you keep a calm face, voice and body, you say okay, or you disagree appropriately.
And then you drop the subject. What would that be like if you told them? No, you can't watch
the TV? No, you can't be on the phone. No, you can't have more sugar today, whatever it is,
and they look at you, keep a calm face, voice and body and say, okay, and then just don't talk
about it anymore. How would that be, you know what they would be honoring your role and if we don't
maintain proper parental authority, dysfunction is the result. So it is vital that they learn how to
honor your role. Now, there's a part that I didn't do in that skill and that's the part disagreeing
appropriately. This book here, Paijge Takes The Stage, teaches the skill disagreeing appropriately.
The steps to disagreeing appropriately again, for all ages. I taught these to treatment children in
my home, I was a treatment foster parent, as well as I also raised four children of my own,
we all learn this skill. I use it with my husband, my neighbors, lawmakers, people at the grocery
store. All of these skills are just adult skills, they're for everyone. So the skill of disagreeing
appropriately works like this. You look at the person, you keep a calm face, voice and body,
you say that you understand the other person's point of view, then you share your point of view,
you listen to what they have to say, you say okay, and drop the subject, that is good effective
communication and can be used in any relationship. So you see this bond that happens in the home,
this unity that you're creating in your family culture, in your family government will actually
spread out to all of society. There are so many other skills and principles that I could teach you,
skills like how to correct your child in a loving and calm way. But let's start with calmness. There
is a link in the description section below this video. The link says something like teachself
gov.com/toolkit and it will take you to my calm parenting toolkit that you can get right now
through that link for free. So click on the link to the calm parenting toolkit right now and start
learning the tools that you need to maintain your calmness and some more of those skills that will
help you in the skill portion of becoming a united family. Click on the link now. I'll see you there.