(metallic clicking)
- Move, move, move, move, Radio Head's up!
That's your girlfriend's favorite band!
She's gonna be on those shoulders for no less
than thirty minutes and you know she's
gonna wanna dance, you just got dumped!
(hard techno music)
(eagle screaming)
(marching drums)
This water is seven dollars, is that a problem?
- [Group] Sir, no sir!
- It's only 16.9 fluid ounces, do you care?
- [Group] Sir, no sir!
(heavy drums)
- Say hello to your new squad leader.
- [Group] Sir, yes sir!
- You have a problem with that Jerry Garcia?
- Sir, no sir!
- Then say hello!
- Hello new squad leader!
- Shit, I didn't know I was teaching fucking manners too.
Ready, set, (blows whistle)
(energetic pop music)
You gotta be goddamn kidding me!
Are you above getting covered in other peoples' sweat?
- Sir, no sir.
- Then get back there and do five more times scumbag!
- Sir, yes sir. - Move!
And, go! (single beep)
(energetic pop music)
And time!
Jesus Christ are you even making an attempt to
hide your Kirkland signature vodka?
- Sir, yes sir! - Cause if we were in
Coachella right now you'd be in deep shit mother fucker!
- Sir, yes sir!
- Andrea Bocelli could spot those flasks from a mile away,
and guess what the only thing he's known for more
than his singing is being blind you fucking idiot.
- Sir, yes sir.
(eagle screaming)
(throbbing techno)
- You have five bands until Lana Del Rey goes on.
Do you love this music?
- [Group] Sir, yes sir!
- Are you sure it's not just a bunch of loud noises?
- [Group] Sir, no sir!
- Keep ... moving!
They just decided to play Creep!
That never happens!
- [Man] Sir, I'm sorry sir!
- [Drill Sergeant] Shut the fuck up Grateful Dork!
- [Man] Sir, yes sir!
- Get your shit sorted out
now God damn it! - Sir, yes sir!
- Yeah, keister those motherfuckers.
Shove 'em up your little ass maybe
that'll make your voice drop.
- Sir, yes sir yes sir.
- Right now you sound like a chipmunk don't ya?
- I ... Sir, yes sir.
- You sure you don't love this music?
- [Group] Sir ... (voices overlapping)
- The answer is no you dumb motherfuckers,
because in fact you do love this music.
- [Group] Sir, yes sir!
- Yes that's right you gutless motherfuckers.
I'm a Black Beatle, Crimson's in The Regal.
- [Group] God (mumbles) like to see him spread eagle.
- Sound check!
- [Group] Check check!
- Which chipmunk would you be?
- I'd be Alvin sir!
- Bullshit you'd be Alvin!
- Sir I'd be Theodore, Sir. - Theodore, that's right.
Well if you're Theodore I'm Dave motherfucker!
- Please don't make me do it, it's so dirty!
- You must be crumb dumb, shithead!
You think the toilet at Lollapalooza is gonna be clean?
- Sir, no sir!
- I was at Woodstock in '94, and I got shit all over my ass.
You think I whined about it? - Sir, no sir!
- You just bought the rest of the squad 20 roof raises.
Everybody arms up! (group sighs)
Arms up, up, down, up, down.
- Sir, okay sir!
- Sir, okay sir, we're learning shit today
you stinky piles of garbage.
(speaking in tandem)
- Yes sir, sorry sir!
- Tu-ta tu-ta tu-ta, now you're making some music!
- Yes, sir!
- You ain't got no more TP.
- (crying) Sir, yes sir!
- You're all out of TP!
- Sir, yes sir!
- I hear those chicken shit turds
hitting the water right now as we speak.
You're gonna have to use the cardboard.
(man stuttering)
You know what I'm talkin bout you
gotta use that God damned cardboard.
- Sir, yes sir!
- Process that!
(stuttering sobs)
(man sobbing)
(disgusted groan)
- I don't wanna go anymore.
(rock music) (cheering)
- You guys having fun?
- Sir, yes sir!
- I can't hear you, I said you pieces of shit having fun?
- Sir, yes sir!
- Then fucking dance!
(loud cheering)
- Hi it's Katie Marovitch from College Humor.
If you want to subscribe click over here,
and for more fun stuff click over here and
if you want access to College Humor's secret site
make sure you send your social security number,
your credit card information, and your
mother's maiden name in a private message to me.