[whoosh]
[piano intro]
Michael: Monopoly. -eeeeeh- yup.
I know what the fucking board looks like. Thank you.
Can we move along?
I want the dog! I don't want the stupid bitch with sunglasses;
I picked Toto, not Paris Hilton, you fuck!
I gotta watch them go?
I don't give a shit.
Game: This one's got curb appeal!
Michael: Fucking GO!
Wait, why the fuck am I going LAST?
I rolled an eight. Why am I going last? That guy got a three!
What the fuck?
Look at you;
Look at her heels.
That's not even practical, you dumb bitch. Do you know how much walking you have to do in this game?
Why would you wear heels?
Wear ballet flats, you moron!
What the fuck!
He got two doubles in a row!
You shitting me?!?
Fuck you!
Get doubles again. Go to jail.
Go to jail.
Ah! Go to jail, you piece of shit!
Go the FUCK to jail. I called it!
IN YOUR FUCKING FACE!!!
I hope nobody visits you, and I hope you get no conjugals, you fucking piece of shit.
Fucking everybody and their mother's landing on community chest. Look at this bullshit.
Look at this bitch. Look at this bitch!
What she doing?
What are you doing?
ARGHH!! Doubles again?
This fucking guy, I swear to God.
You motherfucker.
Shit.
Bank error in your favor!
Michael gets fucked in the mouth!
You know what fucking sucks about this shit?
I can't even flip the board in a fit of rage.
I'll have to throw the fucking TV out the window.
Fuck, I-I-I don't-what the fuck?
What the fuck?
What the Fuck?!
WHAT THE FUCK
Game: Whoa! Michael: (mockingly) Whooooa!
Unbelieveable.
Un-fucking-believable.
I don't know what to say at this.
I could montage this whole fucking video
with these assholes getting doubles.
WHAT THE FUCK!
You put them on hard and they just get doubles every time;
They land on all the community chests and the chance.
It's not chance if you're fucking scripted to land on it every goddamn time!
It's Michael gets fucking shit in his face
while you get all the free shit on the board,
and I lose all my goddamn money.
I got a stupid dog,
and a lady with a dog.
Why do I have the lady?
I don't want the goddamn lady,
I just want the dog!
Sweet, I got ten dollars.
What's happening?
What the hell is this?
I'm not trading shit with you.
Get the fuck out of here!
Go fuck yourself!
Negotiations are ended!
and they have ended,
and they will be ended;
Fuck off.
Hate this game.
Hate this fucking guy right here.
Hate you so much, you fucking piece of shit.
I hope you fucking sink.
I swear to god, I hope you crash into a fucking iceberg, you son of a bitch.
Game: Aho! Butts!
Michael: He said butts. Did he just say butts?
Why can't I skip all this shit?
I have to wait til they go to- just- skip your whole turn!
I shouldn't have to look at you!
I shouldn't have to look at you all!
I don't give a fuck what you're doing I don't care!
If you land on my fucking property just pay me my goddamn money and move along.
I don't give a fuck I don't wanna watch you roll the dice
I don't wanna watch you move across the board
I don't wanna watch you go HREHUWEH driving your fucking car
I don't give a shit what you're doing I don't care what you're rolling
I don't care what you're buying I DON'T FUCKING CARE
JUST LET ME GO!!! JUST LET ME GO
THIS GAME'S SO GODDAMN SLOW IT TAKES TOO FUCKIN LONG!!!
Ooooh get FUCKED ON BOARDWALK FOUR-EYES!
I got the shit now!
Let's get some houses goin' here!
You guys are so fucked!
Wait. Put a house on it. Do it.
Wait.
What the FUCK.
How do you add a house?
Oh.
Hit the back button.
I'm fucked. I'M FUCKED.
Look at this shit!
Houses on every fuckin', like, property.
Hotels. McMansions. Doubles. Chances. Community chests.
It's like fuckin' Christmas morning
everything's being handed out for free.
It's like Extreme Home Makeover here
Ty Pennington's running around with a fuckin' megaphone,
"WAKE UUUUP, ASSHOLE FAMILY! YOU JUST GOT FREE SHIT!"
I am FUCKIN' SCREWED.
There are houses and hotels allll right in front of me.
I DIDN'T EVEN HIT A!
NO! THAT JUST STOPPED IT FOR ME!
I WAS BUSY EXPLAINING HOW I WAS GONNA GET FUCKED IN THE ASS,
AND THE GAME JUST WENT FOR ME!
Wow, $550.
GREAT. FUCKIN' GREAT.
Looks like my kids aren't eatin' tonight!
Nine fuckin' dollars.
NINE FUCKIN' DOLLARS!
I GOTTA GIVE AWAY ONE OF MY GODDAMN YELLOWS.
FUCK!
Ohhh get fuckin' shit on, Andre!
GET OUT, YA LITTLE BITCH!
Get the FUCK OUT!
Wait, what the fuck?!
WOAH!
WOAH WOAH WOAH WOAH WOAH WOAH!
How'd this little shit win?!
The game didn't even- WAIT, WHAT?!?!?!
WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?!?!?!
How did this shit win?!
How did he win?!?!
Ho- I wasn't bankrupt!
I WASN'T BANKRUPT!
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
THE GAME WASN'T EVEN OVER!!!
This game wasn't over!!!
This is bullshit!!!!!
How did I get third place?! I still had money!!!
YOU CAN'T JUST DECIDE THAT!!!!
THIS ISN'T A BOXING MATCH!!!!
YOU CAN'T JUST END THE FUCKIN' FIGHT WHENEVER YOU WANT TO!!!!!
GOD DAMMIT!!!!!
*clattering noises, most likely Michael throwing his chair*
*outro music*