- I'm tellin' ya, this movie should write itself.
- Dr. Balance.
He's an aging robotic scientist
who never slips and falls in the shower.
- You talkin' 'bout a gremlin with glasses who could talk
and sing "New York, New York?"
That's brilliant. It's in the movie. Done.
- In the next episode Steve Urkel turns Carl
into a giant sandwich and accidentally eats him.
- What'd I say about science fiction, Clyde? It's a no.
- Who writes this (beep)?
♪ But I don't need ♪
- Okay guys, "Gremlins 2."
I'm tellin' ya, this movie should write itself.
First one was a classic,
this should be pretty straightforward.
Basically, all we're doing is maintaining the integrity
of the original picture.
We wanna do all the stuff with the water and the.
What?
Uh. Can we help you?
- I'm sorry.
Let me introduce myself.
Hi, y'all. My name is Star Magic Jackson Jr..
I'm the Hollywood sequel doctor.
So, studio just brings me in to oversee things
when they about to drop a deuce.
So that's why I'm here, but don't mind me,
I'm just gon' be over here.
Y'all do your thing. It's your movie.
- Okay.
Let's brainstorm.
Adam.
- If it's gonna take place in an office building,
I was thinking what if Gizmo gets wet
from a water cooler this time?
- Okay. Hold on a second.
I'm sorry. I'm gon' have to step in here.
Just one second, sweetheart.
So, what's wrong with y'all?
Y'all lookin' like a bunch of sad sacks.
This is G2 people.
We're writin' "Gremlins 2," it should be a party
with pizza and anchovies, pineapple.
Just, come on, lift up the spirits.
Look, okay, I'm gonna put a little bit of spice
into the mixture here.
What if we did this?
Everybody here gets to design they own gremlin.
- Um, I don't see that the gremlin design is broken.
- It's called brainstormin', not brain drizzlin', sweet pea.
Okay? Shut your mouth for a second.
Look, here's the thing.
None of this is final.
- So you mean, what if there was a brainy gremlin?
(Coordinator wheeze laughing)
- A brainy gremlin?
- You talkin' 'bout a gremlin
with glasses who could talk
and sing "New York, New York?"
That's brilliant. It's in the movie. Done.
- Whoa, whoa, you said that nothing was final.
- That was before I heard the words brainy and gremlin
in the same sentence together.
It's done. I love it.
It's in the movie. Next.
- What about a spider gremlin?
- You mean a gremlin with eight legs and a thorax
just catchin' pretty ladies in a web in an office building?
Oh my God. It's in the movie. I love it.
Next.
- What about a bat gremlin?
- You mean a gremlin with leathery wings
just flyin' around, flip-floppin', bust through a wall,
make a perfect bat symbol in the wall,
get outside, get in some wet concrete,
jump up on a building and just dry in place
like a gargoyle gremlin.
We are cooking with gas now.
I love it. It's in the movie. Next.
- Could there be a female gremlin?
- Lip stick, boobies, bitch you had me
at little gremlin vajayjay.
I love it so much that it's not only in the movie,
but it's definitely in the movie.
There's no backsies on that one, no penny taxing.
Yes. Yes. Yes. In the movie. Done.
That's why we need a woman in the writer's room. Next.
- I don't know.
A googly-eyed gremlin?
- But you do know, because you talkin' 'bout a gremlin
who's sole purpose in this film
is just that he looks stupid as (beep).
Yes, it can be in the movie and it is in the movie.
Done. Next.
What about you, silver fox?
- Um, electricity gremlin?
- You just said noun and gremlin.
Like you playin' Madlibs, you just like a child.
You have to brain of a child.
You do not have a high IQ,
but you haphazardly came up with a gremlin
that's just made out of bolts
that are zigzaggin' all over the room
and it's done completely in animation.
You a crazy person, and your idea's in the movie.
Done. Next.
- Uh, can we put the hulkster in it?
- What?
You talkin' 'bout puttin' Hulk Hogan,
professional wrestler, turned actor, turned cultural icon
in the movie where he break the fourth wall
of the movie he's in by talking to the audience.
You sir, are a raging psychopath.
Don't let this town take that away from you.
- That's it. I don't even care anymore.
We got the hulkster in this bitch, so it's done.
I don't have anymore time, so let me just recap.
Right now it's brainy gremlin, spider gremlin, bat gremlin,
lady gremlin, googly-eyed gremlin, electricity gremlin,
Hulk Hogan's gon' be in the bitch,
I'ma throw in a gremlin myself.
Vegetable gremlin. Just write it up.
I'm havin' so much fun. - I'm not.
- Thank you. It's all gonna be in the actual film.
Now I gotta go put some cowboys in "Back to the Future 3."
Sayonara, y'all. Oops.
(group clapping)
- No, okay, you guys know that none of that
is gonna be in the actual movie.
(upbeat frenzied music)
- So, the other thing I'm thinking is,
maybe the plasma bolts,
instead of going the traditional way
and having them actually emanating from his hands,
what if they came from his aura
(intercom beeping) and just came-
- [Man On Intercom] Uh, he's here.
- Oh, God, thank you.
Guys, this is so exciting.
Marvel legend Stan Lee calls me
on the phone a coupla weeks ago and says
"I'd like to stop by." - Whoa.
- So I just thought that'd be a great treat.
So, he's-
- Excelsior.
- Hey! Mr. Lee.
- Alright, alright. Sit down, sit down.
Let's get going.
- Oh, you're here to pitch us some characters?
- You bet your bottom dollar I have.
(group laughing)
Alright, let's see here, we gotta.
(paper warbling)
Easel works a little bit rusty.
Don't touch that.
Okay, introducing
Heyday.
He lives perpetually in his best year, 1982.
His nemesis is the evil writer's block.
He'll live forever as long as he continues
to come up with great, interesting, and relevant ideas.
Well, that got nothing.
- Mr. Lee, I just feel, we're really busy this morning,
we should pro- - Ah ah ah ah ah.
This ain't my first rodeo, sonny boy.
I got a million of 'em.
Alright.
Dr. Balance.
He's an aging robotic scientist who never slips and falls
in the shower.
It's Where Am I, Man?
No matter how late at night he gets up to go number one,
he always knows exactly where he is.
Thermostatro.
He has the power to control any thermostat,
which means he never has to be tormented
by any sudden
cold spots.
Techno, he understands how
to control any technological device.
Things like the computer, or the little hand computer.
Road Rage.
He gets behind innocent drivers on the thoroughfare
on their way home from the doctor's office
and he leans on his radioactive horn
and they say, "Hey! Come on, get off of my bumper hot rod.
We're goin' as fast as we can."
Where'd you guys come from?
Oh yeah.
Here's The Gray Chaser.
Her special powers are she's 40, has no kids,
and she's got a rockin' hot bod.
She's only into older dudes
with only ponytails and liver spots.
Homestead.
He's got the mutant ability
to force any of his busy adult children
to come visit for a change.
I mean, would it kill you to pick up a phone?
How 'bout an evil villain, huh?
The Overweight Jamaican Maid, also known as Jamila!
She steals things.
- Mr. Lee. I'm so sorry.
Just, with all due respect.
I don't think that.
I don't think that we could use any of these characters.
- Oh.
So say the room?
- Yes.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
Oh, I understand.
Don't mind me.
Sometimes you're just shootin' blanks.
I know when I'm not wanted, just
toss the rest of 'em in the trash compactor,
or whatever you got these days.
- It was a real honor, sir, to have you.
- Eh.
(Stan Lee chuckling)
Eureka.
(upbeat dauntless music) I've just been inspired.
Now, this is a superhero team.
A ragtag group of multi-ethnics known as
The Fired Bunch.
They possess the testicular fortitude
to bite the very hand that feeds them,
and are cursed to walk the streets
for an eternity unemployed.
What do ya think?
- We love it! (upbeat triumphant music)
(group cheering)
Excelsior!
- Excelsior.
- Let me go. (Jean sniffing)
This is (beep), Jean.
- What's the matter, Reg?
- In the next episode Steve Urkel turns Carl
into a giant sandwich and accidentally eats him.
- Wait, that's hilarious. Buddy, it's hilarious.
- Come on! I'm an actor, Jean!
This was supposed to be about me and my family.
- I know, but after that first guest spot with Steve Urkel,
I mean, America fell in love with him, man.
We had to make him a regular.
Hey, listen, he's the star of the show now, sweetheart.
We gotta play ball, bubbala.
- Don't you dare bubbala me, Jean.
Now last week Steve used his transformation machine
to turn Carl into a car
and drive him around the Monaco Grand Prix.
Come on!
How many times we gonna use this transformation machine?
This was supposed to be a blue collar "Cosby Show,"
now you turned it into god damn "Quantum Leap."
Who writes this (beep)?
- I couldn't tell you even if I wanted to, okay man?
We got like 21 writers up there, okay.
Know what I'm sayin', Reginald?
But you and I both know
that they don't decide what happens in the show, okay?
We both know who decides what happens in the show.
- Two weeks ago Steve Urkel used his invisibility ray
on Carl, and I wasn't even in the god damn episode!
It was just my voice!
- Yes, I know. I know, Reg, and I'm sorry.
I (beep) apologize. It will never happen again.
- Then Steve used his voice changing ray
to turn Carl into a high pitched nerdy voice.
Who do you think provided the voice for that?
- Don't get too feisty on me now, Reg.
Let's not go down that path, okay?
- Oh, oh, we are goin' down that path, Jean.
In a coupla weeks, Harriet, Eddie, Laura,
Grandma, Aunt Rachel, Little Richie,
and the other little kid are gonna get teleported
to another dimension.
And then Steve injects Carl with his own DNA
so Carl turns into another Steve Urkel.
That's two Steve Urkels and no family
on a show called "Family Matters,"
how the (beep) does that work?
- Listen, listen, Reg, I don't know what to tell ya.
Urkel mania is unstoppable, okay. He's a phenomenon.
There's nothing we can do about it, okay?
It's up to
him.
- No, no, no, no, no!
I'm an actor! I'm a (beep) actor!
I'm a real actor!
I did Richard III.
I was in "True West" with Sherman Hemsley.
I was in "Diehard," dammit!
(beep) Steve Urkel!
- (beep) you'll suck Steve Urkel's (beep)
if he wants you to!
You will suck his (beep) (beep), do you understand?
He is our bread and butter, you mother (beep)!
I am high on cocaine!
- I'ma (beep) actor, Jean!
I've done more cocaine than you weigh mother (beep)!
- I'm gonna tell you what you are Reginald VelJohnson,
you're a (beep) pawn in that nerd's game!
You are a (beep) pawn!
Do you think I have any power over what that monster does?
Any power at all?
(Reginald screaming)
I am the senior vice president of development
for the American br...
(Jean stuttering)
- Jean?
Jean?
Jean, what's become of ya Jean?
(dramatic droning music)
- I
am nothing.
- Jean, I don't know what you mean by that, Jean,
but you're scarin' me.
- No, no. Don't, don't, don't do anything crazy, Jean.
Everyone does too much coke sometimes, but just,
what are you gonna do with the gun, Jean?
What are you gonna do?
No no no no no no no.
We can talk this through.
Ah, okay.
- The king is dead.
Long live the king.
- No no no no no!
(gun firing)
(door creaking)
- Did I do that?
(eerie foreboding music)
- Jaleel.
- Jaleel?
There is no Jaleel, only Steve.
It's always been Steve.
- Yippee ki-yay mother (beep).
(Reginald laughing deliriously)
- Forgetting something, Carl?
- Don't you come near me.
Stay away from me, ya here?
- Could have all been so simple, Carl.
Just say your lines and take the money.
- You monster.
(Reginald breathing heavily)
(foreboding music)
What are you doin'?
I can't control.
(foreboding music) - Am I doing this?
- No. No. No. No, no, no, no, no, no!
Steve, I'll do anything.
- You will do what I want on "Family Matters."
- Yes.
Of course, Steve.
(ominous dramatic music)
- See you on set, Carl.
(Reginald sobbing)
- Get outta my house, Steve!
(foreboding music)
- Call my agent.
(phone ringing)
- Jaden Pinkett Smith, my man.
- What up, Clyde?
Hey look, man.
I'm gon' be real with you, okay?
This "Alien Boy" script. I'm not feelin' it.
I mean, it's hard bein' Will Smith's son.
I just wanna make sure my next project reflects
that I'm a down to earth, normal kid.
Am I making any sense?
- Yeah. Yeah. I'm readin' you loud and clear.
I've got a script right here,
very real, called "Street Ball."
- Talk to me.
- Okay, so you play Tony, he's a kid from the streets,
lives in the hood in a house with his mom.
- Stop.
House?
- Oh, it's like a tiny mansion.
- Got it. Go on.
- So his mom and he, they live in this house
and she works at a supermarket.
- Stop.
- [Agent] Oh, yeah, a supermarket's like a mansion,
but it's full of food and anyone can go there.
- So, like where the butlers go?
- [Agent] Yeah, basically. So he-
- And wait, you said his mom was doing something
at the supermarket?
- Working.
- So...
- Working is kind of like acting on a set every day
in a film that no one's ever gonna see,
and it lasts for the rest of your life.
- Oh, like a maid?
- [Agent] Yeah, yeah.
She's like the maid of the supermarket.
- Awesome. Continue.
- So anyway, Tony doesn't make the basketball team, right?
So he decides to start playing pick up games
of street ball outside.
- So,
he plays basketball in his plane?
- [Agent] No, on the ground.
- In his limo?
- No, outside is that stuff that goes by
when you're inside the limo.
- Oh, snap. He plays basketball outside the limo door?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So then he gets really good at basketball
and then blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, fast forward,
at the heart of the story Tony has to choose
between his mom-
- Choose.
- Yeah, choose is when you have to make a decision
between two things you want, but you can have only one.
- But,
there's two.
- Yeah, but I mean, he can't have both.
- What'd I say about science fiction, Clyde? It's a no.
- Okay, we'll pass.
(agent sneezing)
- Dad bless you.
- [Agent] Thanks.
(upbeat acapella music)
♪ All I want is ♪
♪ But I don't need ♪