- Hey fruit lovers and welcome to story time,
I'm Orange.
- And I'm Sis.
- Whoa, I usually do these with Pear.
- Well, a-pear-antly not today.
(laughter)
- What happened?
Did he call in sick?
- Yeah, sick of you.
Now what's today's story?
I totally didn't read it.
- Uh oh, well I didn't read it either.
That's usually Pear's job,
but today we're telling the story of Batman.
- Hmmm, I don't know that story very well,
but I sure do know the theme song.
- [Both] Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na
na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na,
Batman.
(laughter)
- Okay, here we go.
Let's just bat wing it the best we can.
- [Sis] Okay so one thing I do know is that
Batman's real name is Bruce Wayne.
- [Orange] Why does he have two first names?
- [Sis] I don't know.
Probably the same reason
his superhero name is two mammals.
(laughter)
Anyway, what I don't remember
is the name of the city he lives in.
Gothic City, Gothic Bold, Century Gothic?
- [Orange] Pretty sure those are fonts.
Oh, Goth City?
- [Sis] Goth City, yeah that's it.
- [Orange] Sounds like the kind of place
that has a Hot Topic on every corner.
- [Sis] That's exactly the kind of place it is.
And one day when young Brucey McFirst Two Names
and as bijillionaire parents were leaving
one of Goth City's numerous Hot Topic locations,
his parents got murdered.
- [Orange] Whoa, who killed 'em?
- [Sis] I don't know.
I'm pretty sure it was bats, right?
Batman.
- Well that almost makes too much sense.
But hold on.
Why were his parents so rich?
- Well, you know how bat poop is like really expensive?
- Who doesn't?
- I'm pretty sure they were trafficking bat poop
and then bat mafia put out a hit on 'em.
- Okay, it was kind of making sense before,
but now it's making complete sense.
Of course it was a bat hit,
you hit things with a bat.
- My mind is blown right now.
- My mind is literally mush.
- Let's continue.
- [Orange] Okay so here's the part I'm confused about.
If bats killed his parents
then why did he dress up like them all the time?
- [Sis] Isn't it obvious?
To blend in so he could take them out from the inside.
- [Orange] From the inside of what?
- [Sis] Probably their bat cave.
- [Orange] Oh, there's a term I somewhat recognize,
we must be on the right track.
- [Sis] Okay so Batman gained entrance
to the evil bat's cave.
- [Orange] How'd he get in?
- [Sis] I don't know.
He probably battle rang the doorbell or something.
(laughter)
- [Orange] Nice.
- [Sis] The point is he got inside
and that's when he went bat poop crazy on 'em.
He was punching out bats every this way and that.
He punched one clear through a cloud,
that's why the clouds always look like that in the movies.
- [Orange] Oh, did he punch one through a car
and that's why the Batmobile looks like a bat?
- Orange, don't be ridiculous.
- Sorry.
- [Sis] Anyway, after avenging his parents' death
he teamed up with Robin
whose parents were murdered by robins.
- [Orange] Whoa, robins can kill people?
- [Sis] They're murderous savages Orange.
How do you think their chest got so red?
- [Orange] Oh my goodness.
I'm learning so much today.
Wait.
So Catwoman?
- [Sis] Her parents were murdered by cats.
- [Orange] The Penguin?
- [Sis] Penguins.
Yeah, they have really sharp beaks.
- [Orange] What about Mr. Freeze?
- [Sis] I think you already know the answer.
- [Orange] His family was murdered
by popsicles weren't they?
- [Sis] Yes.
- [Orange] Oh, I've never trusted popsicles, not one bit.
- [Sis] And so to this day
Batman protects the citizens of Goth City
from bats and robins and cats and penguins and popsicles
using his massive wealth accrued from trafficking bat poop.
- [Both] The end.
(laughter)
(upbeat music)