Tashi delek! I would like to share
some teachings that are related to my own experience.
Nowadays, many people are asking me,
"What is your experience?"
And, "Please share with us a little bit about your journey,
“and a little bit about your meditation experience
“while going into the mountains." So, I would like to share
with you a little bit about my first year's experience.
And I hope it maybe will help you, because it really helped me.
My journey started with a great, strong idea about doing retreat.
I wanted to live in the streets. And I didn't want a fixed schedule.
No fixed plans. And wander from place to place.
Something like that. So, I had some expectations,
and it was very exciting at first.
I left from the Bodhgaya monastery, and from there I went to Varanasi.
And then I reached the Varanasi train station.
It's not a very big train station. I think it's relatively small.
And there's some kind of field outside, also.
And you can stay inside. You can sleep at the train station.
In India, you can do that. And I really wanted to do that.
So, I arrived there and I tried to sleep in the streets, you know.
And I sat there, and looked. There are so many people there,
especially people who don't have money to rent a room. They stay there.
But that was very difficult.
My mind said, "It's OK,"
but my feeling in my body said, "It's not OK.”
I felt embarrassed, shy, and I felt like everybody was looking at me.
Even some policemen came and looked at me.
But still, I tried to stay.
But a few hours later I couldn't stay any longer.
Then I booked a room where I stayed.
There was a dormitory in which I could book a bed,
and it was not expensive as well. So I moved up there.
And I felt like, "Wow, this is very good!"
Then, the next day, I still wanted to stay in the streets.
So I came down and tried to stay there, and I stayed longer than yesterday.
Why? Because I had a very strong… how to say?
Fixation. And strong grasping.
I could not let go.
I could not really let go of my attachment to my body,
food, comfortable room, and comfortable surroundings.
Because, I have grown up in a good family,
and I have this name, "Rinpoche," so I get good food every day,
I have a very nice bed, and people are treating me very well,
treating me like a princess.
So, I have all those things, and suddenly I tried to stay on the road,
and it was very difficult.
And it's very difficult to let go of all this attachment.
The next day, I stayed longer,
but then in the end I booked a room again. I stayed there
for about two days. Then after that I moved on to Kushinagar.
I wanted to stay in the streets again, but I couldn't stay in the streets,
so I stayed in a room. It was very cheap.
Meanwhile, I tried to train myself in letting go of all my habits,
and trying to be one with this different environment.
I stayed there for a few weeks, and slowly, slowly I ran out of money.
I didn't have much money. I didn't bring a lot of money,
so I was running out of money, also.
So I thought, "This is a good opportunity.
“I cannot stay in a hotel room, because my money is finished."
So, then I stayed in the streets. The first night was very difficult.
During the night, even the dogs were chasing me.
If I stood up to go to the toilet, all the dogs were chasing after me.
"Woof, Woof, Woof!"
But I managed that night.
So then, I didn't have money, and I didn't have much to eat.
Before, when I had money, there was a restaurant I ordered food from.
So I went there and asked them, "Now all my money is finished,
"so if you have any leftovers, can you please give them to me?"
And they said, "OK, but you can come late in the evening,
“or during the night." And they would give me the leftovers.
So I went there and they gave me the leftovers.
Then, one day, from maybe water or something, I got sick.
I got diarrhea. I was vomiting, also, and I had diarrhea.
And then, two days later, I felt like I was going to die.
One morning, I couldn't get up. My body was so weak.
And slowly, slowly, I couldn't move my body.
And then I thought I was going to die. So, I made a decision,
"OK, I think I am going to die.
“Let it be. Let it die."
So, I tried to sit up straight. And we have dying meditation.
Meditation on dying, and also bardo meditation.
“Bardo” means “after death," or “intermediate state."
So, I did all these practices,
and slowly, slowly I saw the dissolution of my senses.
I could not see. I could not hear.
I don't know if my body was paralyzed or not.
But my mind was so clear!
And I saw some colors. And then I felt like I was falling down.
And then gradually, gradually...
And then, in the end, my mind became even more clear.
So vivid! There was no concept.
There were no normal thoughts. No monkey mind.
Everything dissolved. But, at the same time,
it was like a blue sky with the sun shining.
It was so brilliant and pervasive. And I was so happy and joyful.
So, I rested within that state.
I don't know for how long. Then, suddenly, I felt,
"OK, this is not the time for me to die." That kind of thought came.
And it became stronger and stronger, and then suddenly I felt my body.
Before that, my mind was totally open and pervasive,
and suddenly it became narrow and I felt the body.
Then, slowly, slowly I could open my eyes,
and I could hear a sound, "Saaaaa...."
Something like that.
Then, I could move.
So I stood up and tried to look for water, and I fainted.
Then, I ended up in the hospital. Someone took me to the hospital.
There was some kind of water that was put into my vein.
Then, after that, I felt so happy. And then this old habit,
the layers of attachment, and grasping, all these things were gone.
And everything I saw, what I heard, even when I walked,
was very nice and pleasant.
And I had a very deep feeling of gratitude,
or appreciation for everything. Even the breath.
I felt appreciative of just feeling my breath.
I appreciated just being able to see the trees.
It's the same trees, but fresher, greener. And it's like, how to say?
It's like the trees were made out of joy, made out of love or joy.
Something like that. Yeah.
So, then I could stay on the road, no problem.
I could be with beggars. I could stay in hotels.
I could stay on the road. I could stay in the mountains.
And I could travel. And, after that, my health was also good.
So, after that, my journey was fantastic!
My health was good, and everything was OK.
So, now I want to tell you that this was a very profound
experience for me. But maybe you might think,
"In order to get that kind of profound experience,
“do I need to have this kind of near death experience?
“Or do I need to go to live in the streets of India," just like me?
My answer is: not necessarily.
I think you can find a similar situation in your life.
For example, being heartbroken. It's very common, right?
So, we all have some kind of expectation
about how our future should be.
We are almost subconsciously planning our future.
"This is the way it should be.
“I need that. I will be like that."
So, we try to control the future.
And this is not just in our intellectual mind.
It's in the subconscious mind. In our beliefs.
It's in everything, and it's very solid. So, once you shake that,
that's when people fall into big depressions,
or a lot of things can happen.
But, I think this is one of the best opportunities for practice.
If you practice and use this opportunity as a support for your meditation,
or to deal with your meditation, I think it's the best opportunity.
So, you will get similar experiences to what I had, I think.
And, also, if you lose your job. Or lose a loved one. Or if you're
physically ill sometimes. There are many opportunities.
So, if you face a very difficult situation in your life,
that is beyond your expectations, beyond your beliefs,
and beyond your normal expectations,
that is the best opportunity to practice meditation.
When you have this situation, try to use meditation with the situation,
to see the attachment, and to go beyond that.
And then after that you can feel a lot of rejoicing and gratitude.
So, maybe I want to give you a simple, practical homework about appreciation.
Another thing is, with this appreciation practice,
you don't have to wait until you get heartbroken.
Being heartbroken or losing your job is good for cutting your grasping.
But there's another practice,
which is that you can develop appreciation every day, bit by bit.
Maybe you can appreciate being alive.
Appreciate your breath.
"It's wonderful! I have this breath!”
“How nice!"
Or, if you see something, just appreciate that you're able to see.
You have nice, wonderful eyes, with which you can see the trees,
mountains, houses, people. So, appreciate that you’re able to see.
You can appreciate that you are able to hear.
You can appreciate that you have food, that you can eat.
These basic things, which already exist within you,
we are normally not appreciating. We take them for granted.
So now, begin to see these things. You can come up with -
every day - at least three things to appreciate.
Some people think, "OK. I don't have many things to appreciate.
“I don't have any goodness within me."
But actually you have it!
You can think, "I don't have goodness."
It's wonderful! Right?
You are able to think, "I don't have goodness."
To be able to think is nice!
So you can appreciate that, "I can think of that."
That's already one. Now you already have one.
So, do this small practice.
And try to come up with something new every day.
Or you can change to different objects, day by day.
OK.
Thank you!