Ah, seems like it was yesterday. They were good days, they were!
Regardless of the season, or wherever you may be riding, there are a few rules we feel
you should follow to ensure you maintain sartorial integrity whilst riding your bike. The list,
although non-exhaustive, is simply what to avoid at all costs.
Top 10 things not to wear on a bike.
No socks
The correct sock height, length or colour are subjects perpetually debated in the world
of cycling. However, in order to even have the debate, you have to have socks in the
first place. Newbies might be tempted to go sockless to save embarrassing tan lines, but
you need to get over this. Tan lines are like a tattoo to confirm your membership into the
cycling world. Ride without socks, and you’ll remain part of the amateur gang as well as
risking some nasty ankle and toe chafing.
I tell you what Matt, this is chafing a little bit. You got any plasters?
I think I might have some back in the car, Si.
Full face Helmet
Riding with a helmet is compulsory in our book, it goes without saying. But, riding
out on the road with a full face helmet, unless you’re planning an off road descent, or
pumping round the local BMX track, just doesn’t cut it. It looks distinctly dodgy for one,
your head will cook for two and finally we think periphery vision is an absolute must.
It also inhibits the intake of fluids and banter with your training partner too.
[Muffled conversation]
Compression socks
Quite the opposite of no socks are compression socks. On, or even off the bike, they will
make you look so strange that the stress of your self-consciousness will negate any performance
benefit. Actually, we take that back - if you’re wearing them, you probably don’t
have any self consciousness anyway.
Superheroes.
Time out on the bike is precious, especially if you’re training around a job or your
studies. So the last thing you want to happen whilst out on your favourite loop is to have
to save the world from impending catastrophe and doom at the clutches of an evil genius mastermind.
A tip then, fly under the ‘superhero responsibilities radar’ by not dressing as one.
Simon my friend, I will fight crime until the end of it's days!
National Championship Jersey
Although fertile ground for debate, we feel there is only one situation where you are
allowed to wear a World or National champion's jersey. And that situation is if you are the
current World or National champion.
Yes! Oh what a day it was!
Oh jesus, Matt. It was 16 years ago, take it off!
I have to get electrical tape. Absolutely ridiculous.
You can, if you’ve been a national champion, continue to wear the stripes on your arms.
Can someone give me a hand?
Bib shorts only - no jersey.
Since he started working out, our very own Simon Richardson is probably the only person
who could get away with what is normally considered as a cycling fashion faux pas.
Cyclist’s traditionally weedy, pasty-skinned upper bodies are things best left under wraps
and filed under ‘specialist websites only.'
I tell you what, you are looking quite buff.
Thanks mate.
Pretty ripped at the moment.
How often do you work out, anyway?
I reckon probably about once a decade.
I did it once.
Suits.
Tally ho!
Rather than look like an accountant with a driving ban, keep it practical and avoid commuting in your suit.
You're looking well, anyway.
Yes, I got the all clear last Friday and now I'm enjoying life!
Checking your portfolio on the move is also a definite no-no. We’re unsure if brogues
come with cleats too.
This just isn't working. Fancy a spurt instead?
Rockstars
Here at GCN we have actively encouraged you to sing on a bike as a way of motivating yourself,
which is fine.
But, we implore you not to ‘method sing’ via total immersion into the persona of your
favourite rock star whilst out riding.
People try to put us down / talking 'bout my generation / Just because we get around...
The image of The Who's Roger Daltrey on stage rocking double denim is an iconic one that
should not be tainted by trying to replicate it on a bike.
...my generation baby...my generation! My generation baby...
The Onesie
Whilst reluctantly conceding they are indeed *coughs* a global fashion phenomenon, these
monstrosities should perhaps firmly remain the preserve of teenagers, students and the
sartorially misguided. Unless of course it’s one that makes you look like your favourite
wild animal out in it's natural habitat, as we're rather fond of doing here at GCN.
What have you come as Matt?
I've come as a monkey. Always been fond of monkeys since I was a child.
Speedos
Not only do Speedos offer very little protection for your manly or womanly bits, but they also
look...wrong. Yes, it’ll prevent you getting farmer's tan lines, but no, that’s not a
valid excuse. If you want to do group rides without everybody trying to drop you, steer
well clear of Speedos - leave them for triathletes. You are far less likely to end up being
arrested for indecency or severely reducing your ability to start a family. Plus no-one
wants to ride behind someone with a severe case of the munchies.
I thought I was going to **** my lyrics up, but I did it alright.
National champion you know!
What awful wind!
We'll be making bloody feature films soon!
Got off on an appeal last night.
That was a weird accent, wasn't it?