We're gonna talk really quickly about the Narcissistic Triangle, it's one of those tactics the narcissist will use against you.
So let's get started. (Closed captioning provided it Athena Moberg and CPTSDfoundation.org) My name is Angie Atkinson
and on this channel, I offer free daily video coaching to help you discover, understand and overcome
narcissistic abuse and toxic relationships. I like to call it toxic relationship rehab.
So if that sounds good to you, hit that Subscribe button and let's get going.
What is triangulation?, we're going to start today with a story as a demonstration. Here you go;
So Liz and Molly
have been looking for a third lady to join them on their girls night outs on Fridays and as they're discussing;
Well, I'll just let them tell you-
Hi Liz, hey girl, hey! happy to see you molly. it's so good
to get out!I love our weekly girls night. Hey how 'bout we invite Becky next week? Yeah, great, she's really cool.
Hey girl, hey, you wanna join Molly and me for girls night this weekend? I thought you've never ask, I'll be there.
Hey girl hey, I can't make it do girls night out, I'm so bummed. Well that sucks, but we'll miss you for sure.
Yeah, I hate to miss out, but I'll totally be there next time.
Oh my god, it is so good to get out of house for once, right? How's your week been? Girl,
I have been dying for this day. Hey i wonder why Liz could'nt join us. Well, she claims to be busy,
but you know how that goes. I mean, have you seen her new hair?, talk about trying too hard.
She has a bright red streak in it like she's sixteen again, do you think she's trying too hard or what?
Naah, she's real sweet, Oh whatever you say. Oh my god, I love your hair.
You're so sweet, thanks girl. Yeah, it's super cute and who cares what Molly says anyway, freaking Molly.
What's she say now? You know Molly, always something with her,
she told me you're trying too hard or something when you got your hair cut last time. I know that new red streak is just gonna put her
over the edge; that girl I swear...
Wait, what?. I knew Molly was kind of sassy, but did she really say that?
You heard nothing from me. What, no hey girl hey? Liz, I freaking love that new 'do of yours.
Whatever Molly, don't bother lying to me. Wait, what?, why are you mad at me? -Hey, girl, hey
Just kidding. So there in lies the rub,
obviously what we have here is two friends who were doing just fine until this third party came in and triangulated them.
She put herself in the middle and it turned out that this particular person just kind of really wanted to be friends with one of
these girls and or at least some of these girls and she by triangulating them against each other,
she put herself in the middle
and now if she's lucky she'll win, but hopefully these two girls will stick together and realize who the real friends are here,
That's how triangulation works with a real-life example.
The flying monkry often means well, but often ends up
evangelizing for the narcissist. The narcissist has a message and the flying monkey is happy to spread it,
even if they don't mean to be causing any harm. Flying monkeys are often just other victims, other
casualties of the narcissist manipulation and abuse. So it
involves the narcissist and two unsuspecting victims,
who are used sort of against one another. The role that you play in this
triangle might shock you. When I first learned about it,
I really could not believe which one I was of those three.
The first one is "the victim", "then the Savior", then "the bad guy". Which one are you?
So let's talk about "the victim" first. Primary role in this triangle is the victim and what's surprising
or maybe not is that "the victim" is not the actual victim here. "The narcissist" plays the role of injured party in this game.
I know you're shocked, he or she will use guilt and
manipulation to get what they want by pitting one person against the other person.
Unfortunately, this tactic works way too
well
especially on people who are empathetic or empathic which y'all know you are, that's because we are hard-wired to
help people in distress, it's part of our nature. It's why we have the unfortunate
"Narc bait" label on our proverbial foreheads. It's why we keep attracting these type of people into our lives. Now
let's talk about "the Savior";
So this is the surprising role that I found myself in when I studied this kind of narcissistic abuse
tactics. See "the savior" as it turns out is also the unwitting
enabler, because they try to take care of the people around them and often to their own detriment.
This role is technically one of the actual victims in this circle.
This is the person who gets used by "the narcissist".
Now let's talk about "the evil one", the bad guy or girl. "The evil one" is the bad guy or the bad girl,
according to "the narcissist" he or she is the one who gets the blame, the one who "the victim", AKA "the
narcissist" claims has injured him or her and caused pain to and generally
"the evil one" doesn't even know there's a major issue or if they do, they're as bewildered as you are
about what is happening. "The evil one" becomes the reason "the narcissist" gets "the savior" to react.
So let's connect it up. This is how you draw this triangle in a particular pattern that causes them the narcissistic manipulation.
So using the roles we've defined, we're gonna draw the triangle right now. First, the problem. The victim has a problem,
that's the narcissist which creates a need. So let's go really simple with our example situation here and say the problem
is that "the victim", "the narcissist" is not getting enough attention in the narcissist marriage. Now,
this is most likely because
he treats the wife who in this iteration is "the evil one" like she doesn't matter to him unless
he is
manipulating her or using her to manipulate
someone else now remember this could just as easily be a female narcissist doing this to a male not narcissist. Second
we have the sad story, "the victim" then goes to "the savior" and tells a sad story, in our example
maybe this guy goes to another woman and whines about how evil his wife is and how horrible is she is to him and how
she ignores all his attempts of conversation and connection and affection.
He may even say she's a cold bitch or she's abusive herself, anything to play up that victim status,
that victim role and make "the savior" feel sorry for him.
Well, then there's the shoulder to lean on, "the Savior" becomes the shoulder to lean on and depending on their own ability to
resist "the narcissist" love bombing tactics,
this woman will often become the next "love of his life" or equivalent, depending on the situation.
This person's role as "savior" will only be held as long as she continues to play to "the victim's"
liking. The triangle evolves, guess what, "the savior" becomes "the evil one". What? Yes, it gets really twisted right here.
This is the point at which the current "evil one"
slips out of the triangle or back into the role of "the savior" in some cases, see the moment "the savior" doesn't fulfill "the
narcissist" supply as expected, "the narcissist" begins to
effectively put them into "the evil" role position, goes on to search for the next "savior" AKA source of supply. For example, a
narcissistic mother of two daughters
insistently alternates between the two as "savior" and "evil one"
the roles are passed back and forth between them from very early in their lives and the narcissist mother actively manages and
cultivates that situation to her benefit and
unfortunately often at the cost of the relationship between the sisters. This cycle begins again
as the previous "savior" watches herself slip into the role of "evil one" and she realizes what has happened, as she does she suddenly
understands that she was used to manipulate "the evil one", only by now
it's too late to change anything. The cycle begins again and a really skilled
narcissist will often play the same few people against each other, in varying roles over and over again.
They will always find fault with every person in their lives and they will eventually
learn that the victim role as described at the beginning of this video is one of the quickest ways to reel in the next
victim. The cycle is cemented into the process further every time it works and it always works, because "the
narcissist" knows exactly what to look for in a "savior". Have you been there?
Between the gaslighting, the love bombing, the flying monkey, you end upforgetting that your entire identity is what it is and you
desperately try to become the version of yourself that would make the narcissist happy.
It's how the narcissist keeps you in control,
but even if you manage to completely change and morph yourself into the
narcissists idea of the perfect person, it never matters.
Here's a harsh reality that we've all got to understand; When it comes to the narcissist and their perception of you,
you can never be enough, even if you focus your energy completely on the narcissist,
the narcissist will always be looking for something better,
they'll always be looking for supply from some other source, something that will help to just
give them more attention no matter how amazing you are. It will never ever be enough for a narcissist.
Don't let yourself be confused here my friend, it's definitely not you, you're not the problem.
It's totally the way the narcissist convoluted mind works and you can't take personal responsibility
for the broken person you've been dealing with, you just have to find a way to your self-confidence and peace
outside of the narcissus. The fact is that since the narcissist is so personally broken on the inside,
nobody can ever fill the endless hole of need that the narcissist carries around with them at least not for very long.
This brings me to the question of the day. Question of the day... Question of the day... Question of the day...
Question of the day. Have you done this? Have you been there? Have you experienced the different types of roles
the narcissist wants to stick you in to?
Share your experiences, share your thoughts in the comments section below
let me know what roles you've been shoved into, against your will and
let me know how you felt about it and how you dealt with it.
Maybe your comments will help another survivor feel not so alone today. Share your thoughts, share your ideas
share your experiences in the comments section below and let's talk about it. Let me just offer a really quick
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helping me to further my mission and to continue helping our SPANily and anyone who needs help to discover, understand and overcome
narcissistic abuse and toxic relationships, thank you so much. Alright, that's all I've got for you right now,
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