♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME BACK TO "A LATE SHOW."
LET'S SAY HELLO TO JON BATISTE.
JON, HELLO.
( WHISTLING ) I LOVE YOUR-- YOUR MUSICAL
BIRD-LIKE LANGUAGE.
JON, I GOTTA GIVE YOU A WARNING HERE.
WHAT WE'RE ABOUT TO TALK ABOUT IN THIS ACT OF THE SHOW IS FOR
MATURE AUDIENCES.
NOT THAT YOU'RE NOT A MATURE PERSON, BUT I KNOW YOU'RE PURE
AS THE DRIVEN SNOW.
I WOULDN'T WANT TO SCANDALIZE YOU, OKAY.
BETTER A MILL STONE SHOULD BE TIED AROUND MY NECK AND CAST
INTO THE DEEPEST PART OF THE RIVER THAN ONE SHOULD SCANDALIZE
HIS BAND LEADER.
>> Jon: OH!
I LIKE THE TWIST ON THAT.
I LIKE THAT!
COME ON, MAN!
>> Stephen: JUST KEEP IT IN MIND.
HOW ARE YOU FEELING?
>> Jon: I'M-- I'M FEELING LIKE I HAVE WHIPLASH.
THIS WHOLE YEAR HAS FELT-- IT'S JUST SO MUCH TO PROCESS.
IT'S FELT LIKE A QUICK SPIN, AND NOW THE INERTIA IS JUST-- MY
BODY HAS LANDED RIGHT HERE.
>> Stephen: I HAVE DONE SOME SAILING WHERE YOU GO TO SEA FOR
A WEEK AND YOU COME BACK AND YOU'RE STILL BUT THE WHOLE WORLD
IS MOVING.
THAT'S WHAT IT FEELS LIKE RIGHT NOW.
HE COULD BE LEAVING, AND THE VACCINE IS COMING.
I'M SWIMMING WITH THE POSSIBILITIES.
>> Jon: I'M REALLY HOPING IT IS OVER, WHATEVER THAT MEANS,
AND THAT THIS IS A NEW BEGINNING.
BUT, YOU KNOW, WE JUST GOT TO JUST TAKE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME.
>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING-- DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING
CALM THAT COULD-- THAT COULD TURN MY SOUL INTO A STILL SHIP
ON A SILENT SEA.
>> Jon: I LIKE WHAT YOU WERE DEALING WITH WHEN YOU HIT ME UP.
YOU SAID...
♪ ♪ ♪ 250 YEARS.
>> Stephen: WOW.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: I DIDN'T KNOW
BEETHOVEN COULD SWING.
>> Jon: OH, YEAH.
IT'S BEEN 250 YEARS.
HE LEARNED A THING OR TWO, YOU KNOW.
>> Stephen: JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU, JON.
>> Jon: OF COURSE.
>> Stephen: OF COURSE, THE PANDEMIC CONTINUES TO RAGE, BUT
THERE'S HOPE ON THE HORIZON.
I'LL CATCH YOU UP ON TRYING NOT TO CATCH IT IN TONIGHT'S
INSTALLMENT OF THIRD...
>> THIS WILL BE A DECEMBER TO FUHGEDDABOUTIT!
HEY I'M -- >> Stephen: GOOD ENOUGH.
TWO COMPANIES, MODERNA AND PFIZER, HAVE VACCINES THAT ARE
TANTALIZINGLY CLOSE TO MARKET, JUST IN TIME FOR THE HOLIDAYS.
SO THIS YEAR'S FAVORITE STOCKING STUFFER IS GOING TO BE
HYPODERMIC NEEDLES.
IN PREPARATION, YESTERDAY, THE C.D.C. CAME OUT WITH GUIDELINES
THAT SAY ONCE THEY'RE AVAILABLE, THE FIRST PEOPLE TO GET THE
VACCINE WILL BE HEALTHCARE WORKERS AND PEOPLE IN NURSING
HOMES.
THAT'S GREAT NEWS, BECAUSE THESE DAYS, EVERYBODY'S SITTING ON THE
COUCH IN THEIR SOFT CLOTHES WATCHING "WHEEL OF FORTUNE," SO,
TECHNICALLY, WE'RE ALL IN NURSING HOMES.
THEN, IN FEBRUARY OR MARCH, THE NEXT PRIORITY GROUPS ARE LIKELY
TO BE PEOPLE OVER 65.
FINALLY, BY APRIL, OR JUNE, HEALTHY, NONESSENTIAL WORKERS
YOUNGER THAN 65 WILL BEGIN RECEIVING THE VACCINE.
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.
ACCORDING TO THE C.D.C., I'M YOUNG!
WOO!
TIME TO FORTNITE AN ELECTRIC SCOOTER WHILE VAPING A DAB!
WHO'S WAP, NOW?
ME?
BECAUSE I SERIOUSLY DO NOT KNOW.
WHAT A WAP IS.
NOW, WE'VE ALL HEARD THE STORIES OF PEOPLE FLOUTING C.D.C.
GUIDELINES TO COME TOGETHER EN MASSE FOR TRADITIONAL
LATE-NOVEMBER GET-TOGETHERS.
I DON'T MEAN THANKSGIVING.
I'M TALKING ABOUT ORGIES-- WHAT IS THAT IMAGE?
WHAT-- OH!
OH, MY.
BOTH ENVELOPE STUFFING.
( LAUGHTER )
"NEW ORLEANS SWINGERS EVENT BECAME A 'SUPERSPREADER' AFTER
41 ATTENDEES TESTED POSITIVE FOR CORONAVIRUS."
TECHNICALLY, EVERY ORGY INVOLVES "SUPER SPREADING."
ALSO, LET'S LOOK AT THAT NUMBER AGAIN.
"41?" THAT'S INTERESTING, AN ODD
NUMBER.
THAT MEANS 20 COUPLES AND KARL.
( LAUGHTER )
THE ANNUAL "NAUGHTY IN N'AWLINS" SWINGERS GATHERING.
OH, NO!
BUT IF THIS CAN HAPPEN AT NAUGHTY IN N'AWLINS, IT CAN
HAPPEN ANYWHERE!
I'M LOOKING AT YOU, DIRTY IN DETROIT,
DOMINATION IN DES MOINES, FLESH FEST IN FLAGSTAFF,
BONE JAM IN BIRMINGHAM, AND BUTTE STUFF.
WHO COULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING?
EVERYONE, EXCEPT THE ORGANIZERS OF NAUGHTY IN N'AWLINS, WHO
THOUGHT THEY COULD CREATE GUIDELINES TO MAKE THE SAFE SEX
EVENT SAFE FOR SEX.
FOR EXAMPLE, THERE WAS NO DANCE FLOOR, SO ATTENDEES INSTEAD
SWAYED IN PLACE AT THEIR TABLES.
ELIMINATING DANCING TO KEEP YOUR SWINGERS' CONVENTION SAFE IS
LIKE LEAVING THE SPRINKLES OFF YOUR ICE CREAM CONE BEFORE YOU
RUB IT ON YOUR JUNK.
( LAUGHTER )
KEEP DETAILED DIARIES OF EVERYONE THEY HAD CONTACT WITH
FOR MORE THAN 10 MINUTES AT THE CONVENTION, REGARDLESS OF
WHETHER THAT CONTACT INVOLVED SEX, BECAUSE NOTHING SETS THE
MOOD AT AN ANONYMOUS FLESH PIT LIKE DETAILED WRITTEN RECORDS.
PLUS, IT WOULD BE FUN FOR YOUR GRANDKIDS TO FIND.
SURPRISINGLY, THE CITY WAS ON BOARD WITH THE EVENT.
ONE NEW ORLEANS SPOKESMAN SAID THEY EXPECTED "FULL COMPLIANCE"
WITH SAFETY GUIDELINES.
THERE'S YOUR MISTAKE: NOT EVERYONE'S INTO FULL COMPLIANCE.
SOME PEOPLE ARE ONLY COMPLIANCE CURIOUS.
AND SOME JUST LIKE TO STAND IN THE CORNER AND WATCH OTHER
PEOPLE COMPLY.
LIKE KARL.
UNFORTUNATELY, ATTENDEES GOT A LITTLE TIRED OF COMPLYING.
ACCORDING TO THE EVENT'S ORGANIZER, "THEY WERE SUPER
DILIGENT ON THE FIRST TWO DAYS, AND THEN THEY SAID,
"(BLEEP)
IT'S OUR LAST DAY."
REALLY, ON THE LAST DAY OF AN ORGY CONVENTION IS WHEN PEOPLE
SAID "
I ASSUME THAT'S WHEN THEY SAY WHEN THEY FIRE THE STARTER
PISTOL.
TURNS OUT, IT'S NOT SO EASY TO MAINTAIN PROPER SOCIAL
DISTANCING IN THE RUB ROOM, BECAUSE JUST ONE DAY AFTER THE
EVENT ENDED, THEY HAD THEIR FIRST REPORTED COVID CASE.
THE EVENT ORGANIZER SAID, "IT WAS A WIFE WHO TESTED POSITIVE,
BUT HER HUSBAND TESTED NEGATIVE."
OUCH.
I THINK I KNOW WHO GOT NAUGHTIER IN N'AWLINS.
( FAKING COUGHS )
I THINK I HAVE IT, TOO.
MUST BE THE EQUAL AMOUNTS OF CRAZY COOL SEX WE BOTH HAD AT
THE ORGY."
( COUGHING ) GIVEN THE OUTCOME, THE NAUGHTY
IN N'AWLINS ORGANIZERS ADMIT THEY DO HAVE REGRETS,
WITH ONE SAYING, "IF I COULD GO BACK IN TIME, I WOULD NOT
PRODUCE THIS EVENT AGAIN."
( LAUGHTER )
TWO, BECAUSE I'D USE MY TIME MACHINE TO PRODUCE
"GETTING FREAKY WITH THE GREEKY: FULL RELEASE IN
GREECE!" TAP THAT, ATHENS!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH KATE WINSLET.
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪