- Hello ladies.
When you are experiencing the effects
of your monthly menstrual cycle,
does blood come out of your vagina
at the most inconvenient times?
Are you tired of ruining your best clothes?
Does the idea of playing sports or even just standing up
and feeling like a jellyfish glorped out
of you make you nervous?
Hello.
My name is Roger Horton, and I'm here to sell you
our Horton Family Vaginal Blood Absorbency Sticks.
Our Vaginal Blood Absorbency Sticks are pretty good
at soaking up a majority of that monthly shedding
of uterine lining, and we think you'll be moderately pleased
with how they improve your life.
We want you to know that your shark week
will be mostly mess free when you use our absorbent sticks.
(laughs)
And we'll never say period.
We'll always use a slightly embarrassing
or straight up shaming euphemism for the thing
that almost every fertile woman has to do.
To convince you to buy our product we're currently
playing trendy, upbeat music while simultaneously
inundating you with images of active
and seemingly carefree young women
who are not currently experiencing the effects
of menstruation.
This will make you wish to also be happy and carefree
while not currently experiencing the cramping, nausea,
headaches or whatever personal effects
of menstruation you get which is obviously something
that our fluffy, absorby stick simply cannot deliver.
During this time when you are, as they would say
in Spain defrosting the steak.
You know because your period is similar
to a dead, bloody, slab of meat, see?
Everyone, everywhere agrees that your menstruation
is too disturbing and shouldn't really be discussed.
So we promise to never show red in our commercials
for absorbent vaginal discharge products.
Anything that would normally be described as red
such as blood, we are committed to always portraying
as blue.
We also promise to exclusively represent your period
with vague images of squiggly lines, bouncing balls,
and balloons.
You know, because men could be watching this,
and we don't want to ick them out.
Unless you are younger than 10 to 14 years of age
which is when most women experience puberty.
Every potential baby carrier is intimately familiar
with the menstrual cycle.
If your egg hasn't been fertilized by a male's sperm,
your body will shed the bloody, viscous lining
of its uterus.
Menstrual blood then oozes out of your uterus
through a small opening in your cervix
and gushes out of your vagina.
Gross.
We know.
No one wants to sit around in a sticky cavern
of discomfort which is why you should buy
our Vaginal Blood Soak 'Em Up Sticks.
Our Soak 'Em Ups are made with real, non-organic cotton
and rayon along with synthetic fibers such as viscose rayon
which is added to increase absorbency.
That's why our sticks can carry more than 20 times
their weight in blood.
Viscose rayon is just a fancy word for wood pulp.
We prepare this pulp for your vagina
by using the disinfectant chlorine dioxide.
This process produces trace amounts of dioxin
which is known to cause reproductive
and developmental impairment.
But don't worry because the FDA says that dioxins
in our absorbent blood sticks exist
at extremely low levels and are hardly detectable.
So keep sticking those chemicals up there ladies.
Hey.
Did you know that in Denmark your period is called
Communist in the Gazebo?
Get it?
Because communists are red, and so is menstrual blood.
Anyway, our competitors may claim that their product
is made by a female gynecologist but not me.
Because I am a man.
Which is why you can trust that I created products designed
to keep your Aunt Flo as discreet as possible.
Heads up.
Look, gals.
The truth is that menstruation is a bodily function just
like pooing or peeing.
Most modern women experience an average
of 450 menstrual cycles and are expected to use
at least 10,000 hygienic blood sticks during the course
of their child bearing lifetime.
So you might as well stop complaining about it
and buy our product.
Hell, we'll even tack on a luxury tax even though you have
to buy this.
I mean you could always just suck it up, right?
Just be sure not to leave our sticks of
blood absorbing fabric shoved up inside of you
for too long.
Otherwise you may run the risk of developing
Toxic Shock Syndrome, or TSS, which is a rare
but life-threatening bacterial infection.
But if you don't want to shove a potentially poisonous
blood rag into your who-ha, we're happy to also offer
new Horton Family Blood Absorbing Diaper Stickers.
Simply take one of our stickers off
of its adhesive backing, apply it to the inside
of your underwear, and allow yourself the luxury
of just simply sitting in a pool of room temperature
liquid all day.
But don't worry we have a luxury tax for that too.
You and your luxurious blood puddle.
So the next time you are riding the crimson wave pick
up a box of The Horton Family Vaginal Blood Absorbency Soak
'Em Up Sticks.
Because they're probably better than wearing nothing.
Crimson wave was a clueless reference.
I'm Roger, by the way.
Not sure if I mentioned that earlier.