- [Amanda] Hey, Psych2Goers!
Welcome back to another video.
Have you ever shouted at your parents
or argued with friends and then immediately regretted it?
The people who we hurt or hurt us
will likely be the people that we know best.
Hurting the ones close to us is something
that happens naturally for many different reasons.
Please remember this video is for educational purposes
and is not a substitute for a professional advice.
If you can relate to any of these signs,
please do not take this feedback
as an attack on your character.
With that said,
here are seven reasons why we hurt the ones we love.
Number one, we hurt others in order to hurt ourselves.
Has a family member or partner ever said,
you'll never succeed in accomplishing your goals?
According to Psychologist Joanna Pantazi,
one reason that you hurt the ones you love
is because you're punishing and sabotaging yourself.
This is founded on core beliefs of inadequacy.
When you have an ingrained belief
that you are unworthy of love, undeserving of happiness,
or that you're bound to ruin anything good for you,
it's highly probable that you'll end up acting in ways
to confirm these beliefs.
Therefore, you have the tendency to hurt your loved ones
in order to sabotage yourself and your happiness,
or because you feel you need to punish yourself.
If you feel this way, try to ask yourself, what do you need
in order to feel worthy of love and happiness?
What would help you heal?
What good qualities does your loved one see in you?
Number two, we want to gain control for protection.
Have you ever been scared
of being emotionally hurt by a friend,
significant other or family member?
As an attempt to protect yourself,
you hurt the person first before they have a chance.
Many forms of betrayal and hurting others
have a common motivation,
to acquire a fleeting feeling of power
from the rush of hurting someone else
before they can hurt you.
In relationships, we tend to hurt the other
so that we have the upper hand and control.
If this becomes an established dynamic in your relationship,
it will turn the entire relationship toxic,
and be the backbone for abuse.
If you realize this behavior in yourself,
think about what you're protecting yourself from.
What can you find common ground
in order to solve your differences peacefully
without inflicting harm to one another?
Number three, we feel more freedom to be ourselves
and not censor our words or actions.
Have you ever been with someone you're so comfortable around
that you tend to get rid of your filter
and not censor your words?
In any close relationship,
you may feel inclined to behave and speak authentically.
The more love and trust are developed between people,
the more freedom you feel to just be yourself.
However, this lack of inhibitions and boundaries
makes it easier to unintentionally hurt the other person.
You might think that your comment is completely innocent
without any malicious intent,
but it can be perceived as offensive
by the person on the receiving end.
Setting good personal boundaries is crucial
to creating healthy relationships.
Communicate with the person on the receiving end
to let them know that you mean no harm.
If they tell you that they feel hurt by your actions,
try to change our behavior.
Number four, we develop an insecure attachment style.
Your attachment style is the emotional connection you formed
as an infant with your primary caregiver.
What you experienced during this first relationship
can often determine how you act in relationships
throughout life.
When adults with secure attachment
look back on their childhood,
they usually feel that someone reliable
was always available to them.
As adults, they may enjoy close intimate relationships
and are not afraid to take risks 'cause in love.
On the contrary, people with insecure attachment patterns
who grew up without consistent supportive
and validating environments,
often struggled to have healthy relationships
with others as adults.
However, everybody has the ability to change and grow.
A person who doesn't have a naturally secure style
can work on earned security,
which means developing a secure style through relationships
and interactions in adulthood.
Number five,
we want to assert our own space and independence.
Are your parents or someone in your life too controlling?
Do you wish they could give you space
and independence that you desire?
You may lash out, be rebellious and utter hurtful words.
This is an unconscious way to assert your own space
and independence by pushing the other person away.
Therefore, it's important to learn how to communicate
your thoughts and feelings.
Try to understand where the other person is coming from
instead of lashing out immediately.
Number six,
we wanna test them boundaries and see how far we can go
before they draw the line.
Have you ever tried testing the boundaries
to see how far your friend, family member
or partner is willing to go before they draw the line,
thus hurting them in the process?
We generally can't learn
what another person's limits are until we test them.
Young children do this Instinctively.
Children are motivated by powerful impulses to get
or do whatever feels compelling to them at the moment,
until they're told otherwise.
They will often relentlessly pursue
the objects of their desire.
Often, the person who pushes the boundaries of their partner
desperately want some clear and firm boundaries,
without realizing that this behavior
can hurt the other person.
A good boundary is when you are able to allow yourself
to be vulnerable while simultaneously preventing you
from being taken advantage of.
And number seven,
we have idealizations and high expectations.
Have you ever fantasized about a perfect relationship
with a significant other or even friends?
When we have unrealistic expectations
about our relationships, we can feel disappointed
or deflated when our expectations aren't met.
This may lead to abandoning good relationships
or making negative comparisons
and miss out on what works in our own relationship.
The closer we get to someone emotionally,
the more rules we attribute to them in our mind,
and the higher expectations we have of them,
and the more they ultimately mean to us.
In a way, we idealize them.
We think quite highly of them.
Therefore, any small sign that might not line up
with this idealized image we have of them,
may be perceived more negatively.
So, did these reasons shed light
on a situation in your life?
Of course, these may not apply to every situation.
At the end of the day,
many of us have hurt or been hurt by someone close to us.
It's how we resolve the situation
and communicate with the other person that matters.
It's always best to do what you think is best
after thinking through the situation.
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Tell us in the comments below.
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All the references used
are added in the description box below.
Thanks for watching and we'll see you next time.