-Now I thought I'd share some of my favorite kid quotes
from you guys.
This first one is from @vacaywithbrooke.
She says, "My 4-year-old said, 'Daddy doesn't have to wear
a seat belt because his big belly will protect him.'"
-Oh.
-Daddy has a five-star rating. This one's from @Keithbristol.
[ British accent ] Was it Keith Bristol?
-[ British accent ] Keith. -Keith Bristol.
-He's from Bristol. -Briftol.
[ Normal voice ] He says, "My wife and I asked
our third-grade daughter what she learned in health class.
She said, 'I learned that boys have tentacles.'"
This one's from @tlynn983. -Uh-huh.
-What do you think "T" stands for?
-Terry.
-Okay.
They say, "We walked outside one night,
and my 5-year-old daughter said, 'Wow!
It's bitch-black out here.'"
-Damn! -That's really funny.
Come on, man. This one's from @Christyrenee.
She says, "At a liquor store, a man walked in
with a little kid, who said,
'Daddy, why do we always have to come here?'"
[ Cymbal crash ] -Oh!
Great!
-"You'll understand when you're older."
This one is from @coachjdjones.
He says, "My son got shots, and when he got back
into the waiting room, he looked at all the other kids
and said, 'They hurt you in there.'"
-"Don't go."
-This is from @babyduckyoongi.
She says, "When my brother was little,
he asked my aunt how she can make the scale go so high."
-Oh!
Hey-oh!
-Wow! -I did that once.
-You did it? -Yeah. I got in trouble.
-Yeah.
This one's from @meredithaellis.
She said, "I was teaching kindergartners about vitamins,
and one kind said her dad takes vitamins.
I asked her what he takes. She said, 'Viagra.'"
-Oh.
Come on. -Come on.
-Come on. -Come on.
-Don't be so hard on the kid. Come on.
-Oh! [ Blues music plays ]
-How would you play the blues if you played the blues?
Would you do it like that?
Like, on a stool, like kind of B.B. King style?
-Yeah, I'd do it on a stool.
-Head shaking, bite your bottom lip, maybe?
-I'd have a cigar-box guitar. -Oh, really?
Like -- Oh, I see.
So it looks like you're not going to be good.
-Yeah, but then -- -You surprise people.
-I'm great. Right.
-Yeah, you're like, "Oh, I'm just --
I don't even know.
I made this out of a cigar box in my free time, man.
And then, suddenly, it's like Django Reinhardt.
I'm, like, all over.
-I would get one of those kind of gross-looking guitars.
-Like Willie Nelson's or something?
Like an old one? -No, no.
That looks cool to me.
-Oh, you mean like a triple "V" or something like that?
Like four or five necks? -Kind of.
No, I don't even mind that either.
But more like -- just, like, almost too shaped and purple.
-Oh, so it's, like, made of Formica or something.
-Yeah, it's all sorts of different pickups and things.
It just looks -- But that's what I would get.
-You'd have that. -Yeah.
I would get, like, one of those expensive, like,
weird purply ones and then I'd be like...
[ Blues music plays ]
What else do you guys have to do?
We're right here. There's nothing else to do.
-Alright. Try it again.
What would you do with your weird-looking guitar?
[ Blues music playing ]
-No. He overreacted on that one.
Wait. Forget it.
-What else would you do with your guitar?
-Right? -I'm looking at it.
-We're good. We're done. We're done with that bit.
Forget it.
-Oh, don't be that way.
Come on. Don't be that way. Don't. Come on!
[ Blues music playing ] Come on! They didn't know.
Oh, man.
-[ Vocalizing blues music ]
[ Blues music playing ]
-I would do that. -That's what you'd do.
-That would be my thing.
I would do that for like four hours in a jazz club.
-Really? -JF.
JF's Jazz Club.
-JF's Jazz Club.
-And it would go, "Yo, play 'Ba-Da-Ba-Ba-Da.'"
I'd go... [ Vocalizing blues music ]
[ Blues music playing ]
-Four hours. -Four hours.
-Wrap-around sunglasses.
-I'll say, "If my act is longer than four hours,
call your doctor."
Callback, everybody. That's a callback.
That right there is -- You got yourself a Viagra --
You got yourself a Viagra callback.
This one's from @cdnels.
He says, "My daughter was given a Butterfinger.
A short while later, she handed us the crispy insides
with the chocolate eaten off and said, 'Here's the bones.'"
-Oh! -That's cute. Come on.
-Come on. That's cute. -What is this hashtag?
I forgot what it even was. Kids' quotes.
-Kids' quotes, quotes.
Kids' quotes.
-Kids' quotes. -Kid quote.
-This is from @3langboys.
She says, "At Easter Sunday mass,
the priest called children up to the altar
and told one little girl that her dress was pretty.
The little girl said, into the microphone,
'My mom says it's a bitch to iron.'"
-It's a bitch.
-This one's from @filmzadanas.
He says, "Dad, I'm so glad you're not a zombie."
-Oh!
Shred it. -Yeah.
-Dude. -Come on, dude.
-Dude, come one, dude. -Dude.
-Dude. -No way, dude.
-You shredded the guitar. Now shred the joke.
-You want me to shred that? -Shred it.
-You want me to shred that joke? -No, no!
-No! -Oh, no, too late.
♪♪
-Oh!
Oh, you're like Banksy. You're like Banksy.
-I can't do it. I can't do it. It's a kid.
-Come on, man. It's kid. -I can't shred a kid's line.
Yeah, I'm keeping it.
This is the last one. -Thank God.
Come on. -This last one's from @walabuki.
-Oh, Walabuki. I love that.
-She says, "A second grader in my class
ran up to me one morning and said, 'Guess what.
I was born on my birthday.'"
There you have it.
Those are "Tonight Show Hashtags."
To check out more of our favorites,
go to tonightshow.com/hashtags.