>> Stephen: WHERE DID YOU GET THIS?
IT'S FANTASTIC!
YOU JUST GIVE THEM ANY WORDS YOU WANT AND THEY SEND IT TO YOU?
HELLO!
AND WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW.
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!
IN QUARANTINE!
WOOO!
ISN'T THAT NICE?
MY DAUGHTER ORDERED THIS AND MY KIDS PUT IT UP IN MY SET.
I CAUGHT THEM DOING IT.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
TODAY, I TURNED MORE AT RISK.
THIS BIRTHDAY IS NOT AS FESTIVE AS USUAL-- THOUGH THIS IS PRETTY
NICE.
WE'RE ALL GOING TO HAVE TO GET SUESED TO CELEBRATING-- I'M ON--
WHAT IS GOING ON ♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY...
♪ KEEP SINGING ♪ HAPPY QUARANTINE BIRTHDAY TO
YOU ♪ ANYWAY, ISN'T IT CUTE!
>> I LOVE IT.
LET ME SEE WHAT IT SAYS.
"HAPPY QUARANTINE BIRTHDAY.
CHEERS,.
>> AND AN ESPRESSO MARTINI.
AND LITTLE BABY, GORGEOUS.
( APPLAUSE )
THAT IS FANTASTIC.
>> ALL RIGHT!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
>> HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
>> >> Stephen: OH, MY GOSH.
WHERE WERE WE?
THIS BIRTHDAY, I GOTTA SAY SPRETTY FESTIVE, MAYBE MORE
FESTIVE THAN USUAL.
THE LINE SAYS "NOT AS FESTIVE AS USUAL" BUT THIS IS ACTUALLY
REALLY FESTIVE.
ANYWAY, WE'RE ALL GOING TO HAVE TO GET USED TO CELEBRATING MAJOR
HOLIDAYS IN A QUARANTINE, BECAUSE THIS PANDEMIC APPEARS TO
BE MAKING ITSELF COMFORTABLE.
AS A RESULT, BROADWAY'S SHUTDOWN HAS FORMALLY BEEN EXTENDED UNTIL
LABOR DAY.
TURNS OUT, THIS IS NOT THE RIGHT TIME FOR "COMPANY."
♪ ♪ ♪ >> SONDHEIM SLAM!
YESTERDAY, LOS ANGELES OFFICIALS ANNOUNCED THAT L.A. COUNTY'S
STAY-AT-HOME ORDER WILL LAST FOR AT LEAST THREE MORE MONTHS.
THREE MONTHS?
NO, NO!
WE HAD A SYSTEM: EVERY TWO WEEKS, SOMEBODY TELLS US IT'S
JUST GOING TO BE ANOTHER TWO WEEKS.
EVEN THE AIRLINES HAVE THE DECENCY TO PRETEND THE DELAY IS
ONLY 15 MINUTES!
WE KNOW WE'RE SLEEPING ON THE FLOOR OF THE "HUDSON NEWS"
TONIGHT, BUT WE APPRECIATE THE EFFORT THAT WENT INTO THE LIE.
CALIFORNIA'S GOVERNOR, GAVIN NEWSOM, WANTS THE WHOLE STATE TO
TAKE IT SLOW, ANNOUNCING HE WAS MODIFYING THE STATE'S
STAY-AT-HOME ORDERS TO ALLOW INDIVIDUAL COUNTIES TO
APPROVE THE REOPENING OF MALLS FOR CURBSIDE PICKUP SERVICE
ONLY.
WHO WANTS CURBSIDE PICKUP AT THE MALL?
DOES HE NOT KNOW WHY PEOPLE GO TO MALLS?
FOR THE RECYCLED AIR, TO SIT IN THE BROOKSTONE MASSAGE CHAIR, TO
CHECK A MALL WALKER INTO A FOUNTAIN, TO HUFF A YANKEE
CANDLE.
IF YOU'RE SPENDING MONEY AT THE MALL, YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.
BAD NEWS FOR COLLEGE STUDENTS SORRY, JOHN.
BAD NEWS FOR COLLEGE STUDENTS BECAUSE YESTERDAY, THE CAL STATE
SYSTEM ANNOUNCED THEY'RE GOING TO KEEP CAMPUSES CLOSED
FOR THE FALL SEMESTER.
BUT TO ENSURE STUDENTS STILL GET THE FULL COLLEGE EXPERIENCE,
CAL STATE WILL BE MAILING ALL OF THEM A SIX PACK OF NATTY LIGHT
AND A FREE CASE OF HERPES.
NOBODY LIKES THAT WE HAVE TO DO THIS, BUT WE HAVE TO DO THIS,
ACCORDING TO HEALTH PROFESSIONALS LIKE INFECTIOUS
DISEASE EXPERT AND DETECTIVE WHO JUST FIGURED OUT THAT THE
STEPSON DID IT, DR. ANTHONY FAUCI.
DR. FAUCI TESTIFIED YESTERDAY TO THE U.S. SENATE, AND HE WARNED
WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF THE COUNTRY REOPENED TOO SOON.
>> THE CONSEQUENCES COULD BE REALLY SERIOUS.
>> Stephen: I'M SORRY, IS THIS NOT SERIOUS YET?
IS THIS THE HILARIOUS PART?
AND I CAN'T TELL THAT EVERYONE'S LAUGHING BECAUSE
THEIR MOUTHS ARE COVERED WITH MASKS?
OKAY.
REPUBLICANS ARE DESPERATE TO REOPEN THE ECONOMY, BECAUSE IF
THEY DON'T, THEY'LL HAVE TO DO THE UNTHINKABLE:
GIVE MONEY TO SOMEONE OTHER THAN RICH PEOPLE.
AND THEY'RE SICK OF DR. FAUCI REMINDING THEM OF HOW MANY
PEOPLE WILL GET SICK.
TAKE KENTUCKY SENATOR AND HOBO WHO TRADED PLACES WITH A
MILLIONAIRE IN A 1980'S COMEDY STARRING DAN AKROYD, RAND PAUL.
AT YESTERDAY'S HEARING, THE LIBERTARIAN SENATOR WAS OPENLY
SKEPTICAL OF FAUCI'S ADVICE.
>> I THINK WE OUGHT TO HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF HUMILITY IN OUR
BELIEF THAT WE KNOW WHAT'S BEST FOR THE ECONOMY, AND AS MUCH AS
I RESPECT YOU, DR. FAUCI, I DON'T THINK YOU'RE THE END ALL.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE RIGHT.
HE'S NOT.
"END ALL" IS ACTUALLY TRUMP'S NEW CAMPAIGN SLOGAN.
WITH ALL THE MIXED MESSAGES OUT THERE, THE PUBLIC IS GETTING
CONFUSED ABOUT HOW SAFE IT IS TO REOPEN.
THAT'S LED TO MORE PEOPLE GOING OUT.
ACCORDING TO "THE NEW YORK TIMES," ABOUT 25 MILLION MORE
PEOPLE VENTURED OUTSIDE THEIR HOMES ON AN AVERAGE DAY LAST
WEEK THAN DURING THE PRECEDING SIX WEEKS.
AND THEY KNOW THAT BECAUSE OF OF "A 'NEW YORK TIMES' ANALYSIS
OF CELLPHONE DATA."
WAIT-- "THE NEW YORK TIMES" HAS ACCESS TO MY CELL PHONE!
THAT EXPLAINS WHY THE HEADLINE IN THIS SUNDAY'S "STYLE" SECTION
WAS "YOU LOOK WEIRD WHEN YOU SLEEP."
I DO.
NOW, WITH ALL THESE PEOPLE VENTURING OUT, THE MOST WIDELY
CITED CORONAVIRUS MODEL NOW PREDICTS 147,000 U.S. DEATHS BY
AUGUST.
THAT IS HORRIBLE.
BUT AT LEAST WE KNOW WHAT THE SONG OF THE SUMMER IS GOING TO
BE: ♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: PHARRELL'S STILL GOT IT.
KEEP IN MIND THAT ONE MONTH AGO, THE SAME STUDY PREDICTED 60,000
DEATHS BY EARLY AUGUST.
SO THEY'RE NOW PREDICTING MORE THAN TWICE AS MANY FATALITIES,
OR AS TRUMP CALLS IT: >> WE HAVE MET THE MOMENT, AND
WE HAVE PREVAILED.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) WE WON!
AND TO CELEBRATE, I'M GIVING EVERY AMERICAN A BIG MARBLE
TROPHY WITH THEIR NAME ON IT AND THE YEAR THEY WERE BORN!"
IT'S NOT LIKE HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW DANGEROUS REOPENING IS.
A LEAKED WHITE HOUSE CORONAVIRUS TASK FORCE REPORT
SHOWS INFECTIONS SPIKING MORE THAN 1,000% IN SOME RURAL AREAS.
FOR COMMENT ON THAT ALARMING STATISTIC, WE GO NOW TO OLD
McDONALD.
>> ♪ EE-EYE-EE-EYE OOHHHH! ♪ >> Stephen: IF THOSE NUMBERS
SOUND BAD, IT'S BECAUSE THEY ARE.
ACCORDING TO JOHNS HOPKINS, THE UNITED STATES HAS THE MOST
CONFIRMED CASES OF COVID-19 IN THE WORLD.
IT'S NOT EVEN CLOSE.
LOOK AT THIS CHART OF CONFIRMED CORONAVIRUS CASES.
ALL THESE COUNTRIES DOWN HERE ARE COUNTRIES THAT MAINTAINED
SOCIAL DISTANCING.
THIS PINK LINE IS US.
WE FLATTENED THE CURVE STRAIGHT UP.
ONE SCIENCE ADVISER PREDICTED WHERE WE'RE HEADED:
>> TO INFINITE AND BEYOND!
>> Stephen: DON'T JUMP!
I KNOW IT'S BAD, BUT DON'T JUMP!
DESPITE HAVING ABOUT 4% OF THE WORLD'S POPULATION, THE UNITED
STATES HAS OVER 25% OF THE CASES AND FATALITIES.
YET, TRUMP CAN'T STOP PATTING HIMSELF ON THE BACK.
>> I THINK ONE OF THE THINGS WE'RE MOST PROUD OF IS-- THIS
JUST CAME OUT-- DEATHS PER 100,000 PEOPLE.
DEATH.
SO DEATHS FOR 100,000 PEOPLE, GERMANY AND THE UNITED STATES
ARE AT THE LOWEST RUNG OF THAT LADDER, MEANING LOW AS A
POSITIVE, NOT A NEGATIVE.
GERMANY AND THE UNITED STATES ARE THE TWO BEST IN DEATHS PER
100,000 PEOPLE, WHICH, FRANKLY, TO ME, THAT'S PERHAPS THE MOST
IMPORTANT NUMBER THERE IS.
>> Stephen: OH, HERE'S ANOTHER IMPORTANT NUMBER: 100%,
WHICH IS HOW MUCH OF THAT HE JUST YANKED OUT OF HIS KEISTER.
IN FACT, ACCORDING TO JOHNS HOPKINS, OF ALL THE COUNTRIES
THE UNITED STATES RANKS NINTH-HIGHEST OUT OF MORE THAN
140 COUNTRIES.
THE UNITED STATES HAS A WORSE RECORD THAN SUCH MEDICAL
IN THIS VITAL STATISTIC, THE UNITED STATES IS EVEN
WORSE THAN IRAN.
FORCING IRAN TO CHANGE THEIR PROTEST SIGNS TO "DEATH TO
AMERICA!
OH, WAIT.
NEVER MIND.
THEY GOT IT COVERED."
OUR GOVERNMENT'S RESPONSE HAS BEEN SO BAD THAT AMERICANS
LIKELY WON'T BE ALLOWED TO VISIT EUROPE ANY TIME SOON.
FORGET EUROPE.
AT THIS POINT, I'D SETTLE FOR A TRIP TO THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE
OF PANCAKES.
ROOTY TOOTY REPORTING FOR DUTY!
THE LOCKDOWN IS ALSO AFFECTING THE 2020 ELECTION.
HEY, REMEMBER THAT?
IT'S JUST A FEW MONTHS AWAY, AND TRUMP IS ITCHING TO GET
BACK ON THE TRAIL.
TOMORROW, HE'S GOING TO ALLENTOWN, PENNSYLVANIA, WHERE
HE'LL VISIT A MEDICAL EQUIPMENT DISTRIBUTION CENTER.
HE SO WANTS TO BE DOING STADIUM RALLIES, BUT INSTEAD, THEY'RE
MAKING HIM DO EDUCATIONAL FIELD TRIPS.
( AS TRUMP )
YOU CAN MAKE THESE FORKLIFTS SCREAM MY NAME?
COULD THEY AT LEAST HOLD UP A BABY IN A RACIST ONESIE?"
TRUMP'S CAMPAIGN PLANS ARE IN STARK CONTRAST TO THOSE OF HIS
LIKELY DEMOCRATIC OPPONENT: FORMER VICE PRESIDENT AND
CURRENT INSTRUCTOR AT SENIORS' KARATE NIGHT, JOE BIDEN.
LIKE MOST OF US, BIDEN HAS BEEN HUNKERED AND BUNKERED AT HIS
HOME.
HE'S BEEN HOLDING ONLINE CAMPAIGN EVENTS, AND THAT'S NOT
GOING TO CHANGE ANY TIME SOON.
ACCORDING TO HIS TEAM, BIDEN PLANS TO CONTINUE CAMPAIGNING
VIRTUALLY FROM HOME.
THAT MAKES SENSE.
YOU KNOW THE OLD SAYING, "IF IT AIN'T BROKE, DON'T FIX IT
AND IF IT IS BROKE BUT RISING IN THE POLLS, LOCK IT IN THE
BASEMENT."
BIDEN'S DECISION TO STAY SOCIALLY ISOLATED IS GETTING
SOME CRITICISM FROM PEOPLE IN BOTH PARTIES, WHO SAY HE'S BEEN
HIDING IN HIS BASEMENT.
( AS BIDEN )
NO WAY!
BASEMENT IS WHERE I GOT MY MODEL TRAINS!
AND I TOOK A SOLEMN OATH TO SERVE THE GOOD PEOPLE OF
GUMDROP JUNCTION!
TOOT-TOOT.
COME ON, I GOT THE LIGHTS WORKING ON THE WATER TOWER, AND
THAT'S NOT EASY!
CAN'T GET THE-- CAN'T GET THE SWITCHES TO WORK."
TO FIGHT BACK, BIDEN WENT ON THE TV TO TELL AMERICA HE'S
CAMPAIGNING HARDER THAN EVER.
>> WE'RE ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL NOW.
EVERYBODY SAYS, YOU KNOW, BIDEN IS HIDEIN."
>> Stephen: NO, DON'T HELP YOUR ENEMIES WITH A FUN RHYME!
IT WILL ONLY BACKFIRE, JUST LIKE THE DEMOCRATS' DISASTROUS 1948
SLOGAN: TRUMAN AIN'T HUMAN.
BUT AS SOON AS IT'S SAFE, BIDEN IS READY TO HIT THE TRAIL AGAIN.
>> I MEAN, I'M ANXIOUS TO GO OUT AND CAMPAIGN, GEORGE.
YOU KNOW, WHEN I CAMPAIGN, I'M USUALLY THE FIRST ONE THERE AND
THE LAST ONE TO LEAVE.
I ENJOY INTERFACING WITH PEOPLE.
>> Stephen: YES, WE KNOW, AND YOU PROMISED YOU WERE GOING TO
STOP THAT.
HOME CAMPAIGNING SEEMS TO BE WORKING FOR THE FORMER VEEP.
BIDEN'S LEAD IS THE STEADIEST ON RECORD, WITH HIS POLLS SIX
POINTS AHEAD OF TRUMP.
SEEMS LIKE THE LESS VOTERS SEE JOE, THE MORE THEY LIKE HIM.
EXPLAINS HIS CAMPAIGN'S NEW RALLY CRY:
"LOCK HIM UP.
LOCK HIM UP."
OH, WE HAVE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
AGAIN, IT'S MY QUARANTINE BIRTHDAY.
I WILL BE TALKING WITH AMERICA'S BRITISH SWEETHEART, HUGH LAURIE.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, KIDS ASK ME THE DARNDEST THINGS.
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪