I REALLY WANT TO GET INTO IT TONIGHT, OK?
SO, CATS OR DOGS, GUYS?
all: DOGS!
- CATS? ANYBODY SAY CATS?
- WHOO!
- CATS?
THE GIRL THAT LOOKS LIKE SHE LIKES CATS LIKES CATS?
WELL, JUST SO YOU KNOW, UH, YOU'RE WRONG.
CATS ARE THE FUCKING WORST.
[cheers and applause]
I HATE CATS.
THEY'RE SO COLD AND INDIFFERENT.
LIKE, A DOG WILL BRING YOU A NEWSPAPER,
ACCORDING TO CARTOONS THAT I WATCH.
CAT'LL BE LIKE,
"OH.
"OH, YOU WANTED A NEWSPAPER?
"OH, I THOUGHT YOU WANTED THIS DECAPITATED RAT CARCASS.
OOPSIES."
I HAVE NEVER SEEN A BLIND PERSON
WITH A CAT BEFORE.
SEEN A WHOLE LOT OF DOGS WITH THEM.
BLIND PERSON'S LIKE, "HEY, DOG, LET'S GO THE LIBRARY."
DOG'S LIKE, "YOU GOT IT!
"I DON'T CARE THAT YOU'RE BLIND
"AND YOU WANT TO GO TO THE LIBRARY.
LET'S DO THIS!"
IT'S LIKE, "HOW DO YOU KNOW WHERE THE LIBRARY IS?"
"GOOGLE MAPS, BRO."
CAT'S LIKE, "OH, YOU WANTED TO GO TO THE LIBRARY?
"OH, I THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO HANG OUT
UNDER THIS RADIATOR FOR SIX HOURS."
I WILL GIVE IT TO CATS THAT THEY'RE, LIKE, CLASSY.
THEY GO TO THE BATHROOM IN PRIVATE.
LIKE, I THINK THAT'S PRETTY COOL.
DOGS ARE JUST LIKE, "OHHH!
WHY DO I GOTTA LOOK YOU IN THE EYES WHEN I DO THIS?"
"WHY IS THAT PART OF IT?"
"NOW I'M GONNA ARCH MY BACK!
"SHAKE MY LEGS!
SQUEEZE OUT THIS TOOTSIE ROLL!"
IT'S LIKE YOU CAN'T TAKE A CAT ANYWHERE.
YOU CAN TAKE A DOG TO THE BEACH,
THROW A FRISBEE AROUND WITH HIM.
TAKE A CAT TO THE BEACH, CAT'S LIKE,
"UM, PARDON MEOW."
"BUT BEFORE I DON'T GO INTO THE WATER,
"BECAUSE THAT'S GROSS,
"AND THE ONLY WAY TO CLEAN ONESELF
"IS WITH ONE'S WEIRD SANDPAPER TONGUE,
"I WAS WONDERING, IS THERE A BABY ABOUT,
BECAUSE I WANT TO SCRATCH SOMETHING IN THE FACE."
AND THEN THEY WALK AWAY LIKE THIS,
ALWAYS LIKE THAT...
ALWAYS WITH THEIR TAIL IN THE AIR...
LIKE THEY THINK THEY'RE ALL SEXY,
LIKE, "OHH!
BET YOU WANT TO FUCK THIS CAT ASS, DON'T YOU?"
CAT'S ASSES LOOK LIKE PIZZA-FLAVORED COMBOS.
HOW IS IT THAT A CAT IS ONE FOOT TALL,
AND THEIR ASS IS ALWAYS AT EYE LEVEL?
"OHH. NOW I'M GONNA RUB MYSELF AGAINST THIS THING RIGHT HERE,
"JUST IN CASE SOMEBODY SHOWS UP SIX DAYS FROM NOW
"WHO'S ALLERGIC
"AND I'M NOT PERSONALLY HERE
TO MAKE THEM ITCHY AS FUCK."
THE TAIL HAS EVOLVED, BY THE WAY, GUYS.
IT'S UP HERE NOW,
BUT IT USED TO BE SORT OF DOWN HERE.
I DO SORT OF A...
LIKE THIS.
[groans]
NOW IT'S LIKE-- USED TO BE LIKE THIS,
AND I'D BE LIKE,
"THAT LOOKS KIND OF LIKE A DUCKBILL PLATYPUS."
AND MY BUDDY'S LIKE, "NO.
"THAT LOOKS MORE LIKE YOU'RE, LIKE,
HALFHEARTEDLY THWARTING AWAY A BUTT FUCK."
"COME ON, MAN."
"QUIT IT.
I'M TRYING TO WATCH