-Hey, welcome! Welcome, welcome,
welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody!
Oh, I missed you, I missed you.
Thank you for watching, everybody.
Well, guys, today in Orlando, Florida,
it was the first full day
of the Conservative Political Action Conference.
And I got to say, under the circumstances,
I thought Tina and Amy did a great job hosting.
[ Laughter ]
Yep, CPAC is a big deal for conservatives.
This is when all the QAnon members unveil
the new conspiracy theories that will roll out in the fall.
So it's like, "Oh, that looks good.
That looks like a good one.
That definitely is going to happen."
What a day it was.
They had speeches. They had songs.
They even had a historical reenactment of the Capitol riot
performed by the actual people who did it.
[ Laughter ]
Of course, there was also a somber moment
when they held an in memoriam
for all the social media accounts
Trump lost this year.
[ Laughter ]
[ As Trump ] Sad.
[ Laughter ]
[ Normal voice ] Yeah, there were a lot of speakers today.
And the big topics are, of course, the fake news media,
personal liberty, and gender-neutral Potato Heads.
[ Laughter ]
The day started off
with an appearance from Senator Ted Cruz,
and he decided to open his speech with a joke.
Listen to this.
-I got to say, Orlando is awesome!
[ Cheers and applause ]
It's not as nice as Cancun.
[ Laughter ]
-Oh.
[ Scattered chuckling ]
-I'm sure everyone in Texas found that hilarious.
Well, it's like they say, comedy is tragedy plus 96 hours.
[ Laughter ]
Also, not to get too nitpicky, but when did Cruz
turn into the Men's Wearhouse Wolverine?
-Right.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
-At the end of his speech, Cruz quoted the movie "Braveheart,"
and he really went for it. Watch this.
-In the immortal words of William Wallace,
freedom!!
[ Laughter ]
-Even Kimberly Guilfoyle was like, "Dude,
tone it down a little bit."
I got to be honest. That -- That looks like a guy
who could use a vacation.
I got to be honest.
The organizers were like, "And that's why we gave him
the Friday slot at 11:00 a.m."
-That's not funny!
-Take -- Take it -- Hey.
-Wait, what? [ Laughter ]
Take it easy, Ted. That --
Take it easy, bud. It was kind of funny.
-That's not funny! -Alright.
[ Laughter ]
A lot of people are talking about this --
A golden statue of Trump was spotted at CPAC.
Take a look at this.
[ Indistinct conversations ]
Yes, all very sane
and very normal stuff happening over there.
Looks like the Big Boy mascot had sex with a Golden Globe.
[ Laughter ]
I'm 99% sure they wheeled that in from Trump's living room.
I-I swear.
[ Applause ]
Well, let's switch gears to some entertainment news.
Yesterday, the toy company Hasbro revealed plans for movies
and TV shows based on some of their toys and even board games.
Of course, Monopoly movie would be eight hours long
and end with a giant fight scene, so that's --
Well, guys, it's been about a year since we all got on Zoom,
and everyone's still getting the hang of it.
So I wanted to take a look back at some of the greatest moments
in Zoom history. Take a look.
♪♪
-What are you hearing from some of your former colleagues?
Ah, you've muted yourself there.
-Oh, I did?
-We now understand that Senator Leahy is in Zoom range.
-Can you hear me?
I assume there's a picture of you here somewhere.
I'll move this camera around just a little bit.
-That is more important. Now, there are many issues,
and we're going to weigh in on this.
[ Computer chimes ]
-[ Speaking indistinctly ] Many of you on this committee --
-Mr. Mfume, can you center your mic or your computer
so we can see your face?
We can't see you right now. -I did not know, Madam Chair,
that you could not.
[ Laughter, applause ]
"Whap, zop, zop, zop!"
Hey, listen to this. I saw that organic food company Annie's
just made a big announcement. Check this out.
-Annie's Organic Food promising to remove a chemical
from its mac and cheese that can reportedly cause
health problems and reproductive issues.
-Wait, what?
Annie's has chemicals?
The whole reason we bought this
is because we thought it was healthier.
We never bought Annie's for the flavor.
Seriously, nobody's thinking, "Yum, cashew bar."
[ Laughter ]
"Ooh, I got to get that flaxseed, uh --"
No, you eat that because a Snickers bar would be amazing,
but --
In response, Annie's was like,
"Hey, they're organic chemicals.
What? What?"
Get this, everyone. I saw that Peeps is now offering
new marshmallow-scented Easter grass,
as in, "My dog just ate a bag
of marshmallow-scented Easter grass.
What time can you take him?
[ Imitating choking ]
Hold on, Rusty."
-That's not funny!
-Aw, come on!
It's a joke. It certainly is funny.
Some more business news here.
I saw that Tanqueray is launching
a new alcohol-free gin.
It's perfect for people who don't love the alcohol
but love the taste of stain remover.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, a woman at a supermarket in South Africa
took off her underwear and put it on her face
after staff refused to serve her without a mask.
It's not quite "owning the libs"
when you wrap a used thong around your face.
Of course, Dr. Fauci said, if you do do this,
he'd prefer it if you wore two thongs on your face.
[ Laughter, applause ]
Steve Bannon did that once, and they had to call poison control.
[ Laughter ]
I'm pretty sure she just became the first person
ever to get a face wedgie.