[Music]
so on the evening of August 31st 2018 I
was channeling the goddess of rap little
Kim wearing a white jumpsuit with a
sleeve tucked underneath my armpit and a
seashell pasty covering my right breast
I transformed into her iconic early
2000s VMA award outfit the party was
themed and I was prepared to win the
costume contest once arriving I started
experiencing abdominal pains that I
presumed just to be cramps but just way
more severe than I experienced before so
in a room full of J Lo's and Britney
Spears and just examples of how bad
early two-thousands fashion was I felt
very isolated in my pain three weeks
later I was rushed to the hospital for
those severe abdominal pains and
diagnosed with an 8 centimeter cyst
often to help patients understand the
size of a cyst
doctors will compare it to a fruit mine
was the size of a grapefruit when
anything traumatic happens to us in our
lives it can take weeks months even
years for us to process thoroughly and
some won't but the importance is is to
at least try and sew my way to do so was
through photography I created a visual
narrative to highlight the emotional
stages before during and after my
surgery each image represents a key
moment that happened during that day and
by doing so I was able to slow down
dissect and reflect what had happened to
me and how I felt about it denial I was
in a constant state of denial three
weeks following the costume party I
experienced what felt like a dull knife
pressing against my right abdomen
consistently and I would just brush it
off the voice inside my head that told
me that there was something wrong I
would ignore but we shouldn't be
surprised by my actions women are
conditioned not to listen to the natural
warning signs our body produces when
there's something wrong we're told and
not to make a scene or to refrain from
being dramatic so I stayed quiet until
September 17th 2018 when that pain
sharpened it became a blinding pain that
felt to the point where I couldn't stay
on my feet let alone conscious while on
my way to Urgent Care once there I was
panicking from the excruciating pain
simultaneous dry heaving and just
overall fear of not knowing what was
wrong with my body when a white female
doctor came in glanced at me shrugged
her shoulders said it's probably food
poisoning she then proceeded to joke and
asked me where i bought sushi the night
before because she wanted to avoid the
restaurant at all cost you would think
that such physical pain would be enough
for a person to deal with
but unfortunately for black women
there's a level of psychological pain
that we have to endure during a medical
emergency so mine was a figurative thorn
to my side that I just had to accept
once at the hospital there were three
moments of shock that I also experienced
first was finding out I had to wait 40
minutes before I could see a doctor
behind a woman with a sprained ankle
despite the urgency of my condition
second was the look of shock on the face
of the doctor the three student
residents and myself once finding out
the size of the cyst and third was
finding out that this was the sixth of a
surgeon had to deal with that week at
that point I was in and out of
consciousness but at one point I did see
my dad talk to the doctor asking if it
was necessary
for my right ovary to be removed as the
doctor was insisting in my case it was
the cyst was so large that it wrapped
around the fallopian tube and cut the
blood from reaching my ovary but as I
surrendered to my experience my dad
pressed forward with further questions
it's unfortunate that black people
cannot take the word of a doctor
immediately due to a long history of
medical negligence and non-consensual
surgeries Fannie Lou Hamer is an example
of a civil right a civil rights activist
in Mississippi who in 1961 had a surgery
to remove a small tumor from a uterus
and left with a full hysterectomy
without her consent this was a somewhat
common practice that happened in the
south during that time white doctors
would sterilize black women in order to
control the black population and it was
dubbed as a Mississippi appendectomy so
my dad was gonna make absolutely sure
that my ovary needed to be removed two
months following the surgery I was
experienced isolation confusion and
depression
how can my body do this to me could I
have a period still would it be harder
to have kids could I even have kids I
needed to show a visual representation
of the weight of these thoughts during
my healing process and how heavy this
grapefruit actually was and once I went
to the doctor for my update he turned he
told me that the assist was benign and
it was dermoid this means it had hair
teeth and brain cells experiencing that
I told my dad and he responded in the
most appropriate way I think a parent
would what's hearing something like that
he sent me the exact
of the alien growth from the classic
movie aliens I felt great that's called
good parenting but I was so shocked by
this information that I completely
forgot all the questions I prepared and
the doctor never prompted if I had any
so I was left to inspect to research to
understand how symptoms like this can
develop and is this preventable
eventually I had to acknowledge that I
went through trauma it took about a year
to understand that but once making this
series I was able just to leave it all
on the page all the what-ifs the
frustrations and guilt and in 2019 I was
able to offer what I learned to other
people in August I was awarded the like
a woman in photo project award which
asked for a submission about a woman's
issue in the United States today I made
mine about the surgery the
microaggressions and medical negligence
that black women experience during
medical emergencies and just the overall
outdated information we have available
for reproductive health and it wasn't
the award or the recognition that really
helped me move forward though it did not
hurt
but it was finding out how accessible my
experience was for other people that I
was able to receive gratitude that I was
able to speak out and empower others to
acknowledge any cysts or medical
experience they had or even negligence
that they had experienced and that just
shows how powerful a vessel art is to
not only heal but to dismantle any
social conditions we don't agree with
and to move forward what a gift it is to
be able to create from a traumatic
experience demand attention through a
platform and act activist sculptor
Simone Lee is an example of an artist
who holds a mirror up to societal
conditions in 2016 she created the
exhibition the waiting room which pay
tribute to a black patient by the name
of Esmond Elizabeth Green Green died on
the floor of the waiting room in Kings
County Hospital she waited 24 hours
before seeing a doctor when she
eventually collapsed on the ground from
blood clots surveillance video show
security guards walking past her
motionless body and a nurse eventually
does check up on her but 30 minutes
after she had already died for Simone to
create an exhibition she was able to
address and paid tribute to someone who
deserved acknowledgment but have us
consider alternative ways of westernized
medicine and how it can be improved for
me
I am proud and honored to receive such a
profound award but with my success I had
to broaden my understanding of where
black art is often place in the industry
there is evidence of pandering to black
traumatic experience and tragedy we see
it in film accolades are given
and a narrative includes slavery police
brutality abuse poverty even the writer
die archetype it is so rare for those
accolades
to be given to a narrative of the day in
the life of a black person and so
creating this experience has also had me
understand that there is now a price tag
associated with black pain there's a
difference between trauma and memories
trauma is unresolved and will repeat in
the minds of survivors so when black
artists are pressured to create work
that focuses strictly on trauma because
that's what galleries are saying we will
only show because collectors are saying
that is what that that is what's
valuable then we're left in a cycle not
actually healing from our experiences
and it becomes a skeptical in the
commercial paradox and so as a woman an
artist who experienced her own trauma
racially and medically I don't want to
be boxed in to receiving accolades
strictly from my pain I have bodies of
work that are amazing all right focused
on body positivity black joy sexuality
sensitivities vulnerability I want to
expand my series size of a grapefruit
to empower others to find their voices
to show perseverance and vitality not
for us just to grieve together and I ask
of you
creators gallery owners collectors and
viewers who are here today to not just
focus on artwork that shows black pain
but also collects work that shows the
artist as an individual there are layers
to us and fortunately our artwork has so
much culture and humanity in it so when
we are given the platform to celebrate
ourselves and not focus on trauma we can
celebrate and move forward together
instead of mourning our losses thank you
[Applause]