WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," ONE AND ALL.
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
I'M EXCITING, TOO.
THERE'S BIG NEWS IN THE RUSSIA INVESTIGATION.
THE FIRST PART IS ABOUT ATTORNEY GENERAL JEFF SESSIONS, SEEN HERE
JUST LOVING LIFE.
BECAUSE WE LEARNED TODAY THAT SESSIONS WAS QUESTIONED FOR
SEVERAL HOURS LAST WEEK BY SPECIAL COUNSEL ROBERT
MUELLER'S OFFICE.
I'M SURE SESSIONS WAS--
>> I KNOW.
YOU'RE EXCITED BUT I'M SURE SESSIONS WAS NOT AMUSED.
( LAUGHTER ) "I DO DECLARE,
"I DO DECLARE, MR. MUELLER, YOU ARE WASTING YOUR PRECIOUS TIME
INTERVIEWING AN UPSTANDING CITIZEN SUCH AS MYSELF, WHEN
THERE ARE REAL CRIMINALS OUT THERE: GRANDMAS SMOKING WEED FOR
THEIR GLAUCOMA.
I BID YOU GOOD DAY, SIR!"
THIS IS, THIS IS--
DO I NEED THAT BACK?
( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS HUGE, BECAUSE IT IS THE
FIRST TIME INVESTIGATORS HAVE INTERVIEWED A MEMBER OF TRUMP'S
CABINET.
PROBABLY NOT THE LAST.
AFTER ALL, THE MOTTO OF THE SPECIAL COUNSEL'S OFFICE IS
"GOTTA CATCH 'EM ALL."
( APPLAUSE ) NOW, MUELLER HASN'T RELEASED A
TRANSCRIPT OF THE INTERVIEW, AND EVERYONE ON CABLE NEWS IS
SPECULATING WHAT SESSIONS SAID.
BUT "THE LATE SHOW" HAS OBTAINED EXCLUSIVE FOOTAGE OF SESSIONS'
ANSWERS TO ALL OF MUELLER'S QUESTIONS.
>> I DO NOT RECALL SUCH A CONVERSATION.
I DID NOT RECALL THIS EVENT.
I DON'T RECALL.
I DON'T RECALL IT.
I DO NOT RECALL I DON'T RECALL IT.
I GUESS I COULD SAY THAT I POSSIBLY HAD A MEETING, BUT I
STILL DO NOT RECALL IT.
>> Stephen: "I DO NOT RECALL IT.
I MAY BE JUST A COOKIE, BUT I HAVE THE MEMORY
OF A GOLD FISH."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪
JUST A MINUTE.
LAUGH DID NOT EAT THE GOLD FISH IN REHEARSAL.
( LAUGHTER ) AND SESSIONS ISN'T THE ONLY BIG
FISH MUELLER MIGHT BE REELING IN, BECAUSE WE ALSO FOUND
OUT TODAY THAT JAMES COMEY WAS INTERVIEWED LAST YEAR BY
MUELLER'S TEAM.
THIS IS IMPORTANT.
BECAUSE IF COMEY TESTIFIES HE WAS FIRED BECAUSE OF THE RUSSIA
INVESTIGATION, IT MUST MIGHT-- MIGHT-- CONFIRM
WHAT THE PRESIDENT CONFESSED TO ON NATIONAL TELEVISION LAST
YEAR.
LAUGH NOW, WE DON'T KNOW THE TIME FRAME-- WE'RE NOT SURE.
WE DON'T KNOW THE TIME FRAME, BUT WE DO KNOW IT WAS LATE IN
2017.
BUT I'M GOING TO GUESS IT WAS AROUND NOVEMBER 11, WHEN HE JUST
HAPPENED TO BE ON A TRIP TO WASHINGTON D.C., AND HE HAPPENED
TO TWEET THE FOLLOWING BIBLE QUOTE: "BUT LET JUSTICE ROLL
DOWN LIKE WATERS AND RIGHTEOUSNESS LIKE AN
EVER-FLOWING STREAM."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: I MEAN, IT'S RIGHT
THERE.
>> Stephen: OKAY, SO, THERE IS DEFINITELY A PEE-PEE TAPE.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THINGS ARE ONLY GONNA GET
SPICIER FROM THIS POINT OUT-- AND THIS IS JUST IN--
"THE WASHINGTON POST" IS REPORTING MUELLER IS SEEKING TO
QUESTION TRUMP HIMSELF ABOUT FIRING FLYNN AND COMEY.
YEAH, YEAH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S GOING TO BE BIG.
YEAH, IT'S GOING TO BE BIG BECAUSE IT'S NOT ONLY GOING TO
BE ABOUT FLYNN AND COMEY.
HE IS ALSO GOING TO QUESTION HIM ON THE OTHER QUESTION FIRING.
"MR. PRESIDENT, IN SEASON 12, WHY WOULD YOU FIRE DEBBIE GIBSON
EVEN THOUGH ARSENIO HALL LOST A BLANK CHECK FROM JAY LENO?
THE PUBLIC DESERVES TO KNOW!" THAT'S MY MUELLER.
THIS COULD BE VERY BAD FOR TRUMP, ESPECIALLY IF MUELLER
DOESN'T TAKE THE $130,000 IN HUSH MONEY.
( LAUGHTER ) AND HIS LEGAL TEAM IS NERVOUS
TRUMP MIGHT PERJURE HIMSELF, DUE TO TRUMP'S LACK OF PRECISION IN
HIS SPEECH AND HIS PENCHANT FOR HYPERBOLE, WHICH TRUMP DISPUTES.
"BELIEVE ME, I AM THE LEAST HYPERBOLIC PERSON EVER BORN.
( LAUGHTER ) AND MANY PEOPLE-- EVERYBODY--
I'M HEARING THIS FROM EVERYONE-- EVERYONE IS SAYING MY
PRECISION IS THE BIGGEST NUMBER, WHATEVER THAT IS!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW, AFTER-- "ALL OF THEM.
IT'S BIG AND IT'S THE BEST."
( LAUGHTER ) AFTER THE FIRING OF FLYNN AND
COMEY, MUELLER HAS EXPRESSED INTEREST IN TRUMP'S EFFORTS TO
REMOVE JEFF SESSIONS AS ATTORNEY GENERAL OR PRESSURE HIM INTO
QUITTING IN ORDER TO DETERMINE WHETHER THERE WAS A PATTERN OF
BEHAVIOR BY THE PRESIDENT.
AND IF HE FINDS ONE, THE PRESIDENT MIGH GETTING A NEW PAT
OF HIS OWN.