[boy]
Do you realize that there's not one picture
of us on your Instagram?
Do you want an online relationship or one in real life?
[Farrah]
and I did nothing to stop it.
Would you want to hang out sometime?
-That sounds good. -Great.
You're goin' on a date with Ilo's sister.
How'd you finagle that?
I talked about things we had in common.
-Like anxiety stuff? -Some.
You're under arrest.
I had nothing to gain from getting Hook arrested.
You already made a play at his share of the snack bar business.
I'm done with all of it. Alcohol, everything.
-She's your hacker? -Don't call me a hacker.
I'm just a chick with a pink laptop.
There is a whole e-mail chain
between your mother and someone named Cerberus.
This whole back-and-forth is to track down The Crotch.
[Farrah]
because they're gonna be the best ones of my life.
How could this possibly be the best time of our lives?
The pressure on us is absolutely insane.
Our parents, our teachers and coaches, our friends?
It's piling on top of us from every angle.
It's a wonder more of us don't crack under the pressure.
You look like a crazy person. What's with your smile?
Oh, wait till you see. It's so stupid.
I don't want to spoil it.
Okay, well, I mean, I do love stupid.
Ho ho, this one is beyond stupid.
[all chattering and laughing]
Shit.
- [mic feedback] - [theme song]
♪ In a manner of speaking ♪
♪ I don't think we'll be speaking at all ♪
[Farrah] What kind of idiot puts his jersey number
-on his graffiti? -Ilo.
I mean, that doesn't add up.
Why would Ilo risk getting suspended,
and not only missing a bunch of games,
but missing the game against Mountain View?
Because karma equals... bitch.
Okay, let's maybe not burn him at the stake so quickly, okay?
You were into what he was throwing you.
Otherwise, you wouldn't be so angry about it.
I'm just saying, Ilo's going All-State,
and the game this week is for counties.
Why screw with that?
[school bell rings]
[Farrah] How come those other two morons
didn't paint their numbers up there?
Because Ilo thinks he's the man.
Talked to Big Al,
and he can for sure only make out your two cohorts.
They weren't co-anythings. I'm the one who painted it.
Then you're even more lucky you got me, right?
Remember that when you go big-time.
-What about the other guys? -Gus is your boy, right?
Yeah. He'll have your back.
Look, put that behind you.
Need you to focus on Mountain View tonight, okay?
[Ilo] Yeah, but I don't think it's fair that I'm getting off,
and they're not.
[scoffs] Wait, the star football player gets off?
This is all kinds of wrong,
and it's gonna piss a lot of people off.
Well, for every one of them, there's two more who want to see
Ilo win a county championship game.
Meanwhile, those two lunch bags get screwed
'cause they're backups.
This is a big steaming pile of entitlement bullshit.
[marching drums play]
[Plain Jane] So how long's the suspension?
[Jayne] Two weeks.
Apparently Big Al wasn't sure Ilo was there.
[Hurley] He was there.
[Farrah] Well, there or not, Gus took the fall.
He said he did it and painted Ilo's number as a joke.
I say we find Big Al, and we get him to admit
on tape that the prick-face did it.
And then we expose the audio to The Crotch.
It's a little revenge-y.
Well, the Crotch isn't posting anything.
At least I want to do
[Plain Jane] If Ilo really was there,
Gus is a good friend for covering for him.
Yeah, and Ilo is a shit friend to Gus.
I would never let one of you guys take the fall for me.
Look, I get that you hate him for whatever happened
between you two, but this can't actually surprise you.
What?
I mean, some people just get special benefits--
you know, actors, millionaires, athletes.
It's just the way the world works.
Said the girl with entitlement tits.
-Okay, that escalated quickly. -[Hurley] You know what?
Maybe I am being a little revenge-y. Wanna know why?
Because every guy that I think is gonna be cool to me
ends up being a piece of shit, and then, suddenly,
Ilo comes along, and I'm in this secret thing with this guy
that half the school is in love with.
-You don't-- -Only to find out
that in the end, he's just using me to get to Farrah.
So, yeah,
maybe Ilo's entitlement
pisses me off a little bit more than you.
I didn't know all that stuff.
Should we do something?
No. Let's let her go.
It's too bad you lost two players today.
Who cares about Gus?
He's just the backup kicker, right?
-It is what it is. -Is it?
Oh, 'cause I remember you showed up to school
on the first day of third grade wearing a button-down and a tie.
God, you remember that, don't you, Sully?
Oh, and then Gus ran to his cubby to grab you a T-shirt
so that you wouldn't look like a total dork.
And didn't he quit soccer when he was the starter
so that he could be the backup field-goal kicker
-because you asked him to? -You done yet?
I can't imagine a suspension looking so good
on Gus' college app, either.
[Hurley chuckles]
Bye.
[marching drums play]
Punk.
Where are your balls?
They're nestled up close to my body.
You can't see them from street level.
Post something already.
You can't let Cerberus shut down The Crotch.
-I have nothing to say. -Really?
There's a football scandal with a possible cover-up
involving a giant phallic symbol.
Sack up.
I have to go to Home Ec.
You pretty much have one power at this school.
Use it. Protect it. Just don't do nothing with it.
Look, I need you to be the guy behind it.
It's kind of our thing.
I'm gonna e-mail Cerberus.
Hey, Jane.
-Oh, hi. -I'm so glad we ran into you.
I wanted to float something by you.
Float away.
How would you feel about reopening
the other half of the snack bar?
I assume you mean Hook's half.
He gave up the business on his own.
-We had nothing to do with it. -You're in on this, too?
-Peripherally. -Okay, why?
I don't want to work nights all summer
at some crappy barista job just to make spending cash.
This is a faster and way more effective use of resources.
And the me of it all?
I watched your boyfriend sell the bottles.
-I just don't know-- -How he got what goes in them.
-That's the me of it all. -Well, look, maybe you could talk to him,
and he could hook us up with his supplier.
-He's gonna say no flat-out. -I don't think he will.
Not with the deal we're offering him.
Yeah, I heard about your last deal.
He would be a silent partner.
Actually, more than silent. He would be totally invisible.
-Like me. -It's all reward, no risk.
You get him to hook us up with his guy,
and he gets a dollar per sale.
I'm not sure that'll be enough.
For doing nothing? Ask him.
And you can volunteer in the legit side
of the snack shop with me.
That way you know how much money's coming in.
[Grace] I know one thing about your boyfriend,
and he needs money for college more than any of us.
All I ask is that you at least call him and offer him the deal.
And when you mix sulfur with a metal like aluminum,
we get an interesting chemical reaction.
[students groaning]
[coughing]
Hey,
What?
It literally smells like we're inside an asshole.
I spoke to both Gus and Cal last night,
and neither of them is giving an inch.
I can't believe Ilo is getting away with this crap.
-[scoffs] Farrah? -I'm sorry.
I just don't think Ilo's getting away with anything.
What do you mean?
You don't actually believe him now, do you?
No, I believe that he painted it.
I just don't think he did it for shits and giggles.
[cell phones buzz and chime]
Oh, look, The Crotch finally woke up.
Maybe they know something.
Colin Cowher and Hannah Hampton new couple alert?
Why are these two nobodies dating
more important to The Crotch than Ilo's scandal?
I have to go.
Farrah, what--
[Farrah] It's just a warning shot.
Aimed right at me.
I should have known when we e-mailed that psycho,
he'd be able to hack into The Crotch.
What did the e-mail say? Were there threats in it?
No, not really.
I mean, barely.
How did they hack in?
I'm not a tech pro, okay?
I knew just enough to stay hidden until now.
Hannah's probably freaking out.
She can't handle people looking at her.
Now everybody is.
Look, I know that you feel bad for her,
but we have to focus on a solution,
not the damage that we can't control.
I should've never agreed to take over The Crotch.
I mean, what did I think I was gonna get out of it?
Cowher, there is no turning back now.
We are in this. Hey, look at me.
I need you here, okay?
Okay. Okay.
Cerberus is obviously someone in this high school.
We just have to figure out who it is.
Is that all?
This guy has tech skills that are way beyond mine.
Then maybe we need to bring someone on board
who can match Cerberus.
If we go to Y with this, there is no turning back.
We will be completely exposing ourselves to her.
Do we have any other choice?
-Dude. -But I did it, and I don't want you
to take the fall for me, all right, Gus?
Look, tomorrow I'm going into the principal
and insisting that I was the guy who painted it.
Don't you dare. This game doesn't mean jack-shit to me.
-But it's important to the whole school. -Man, forget the school.
We both know it's even more important for you.
What, the recruiters? I could care less about 'em.
You know people think my getting off is just athletic privilege.
So screw 'em. Is it privilege that you're running around
in 100-degree heat with a parachute wrapped around your waist?
I know, man, but you're not listening to me. I'm trying to tell--
I'm suspended either way, so don't make me
taking the fall for your dumb ass be for nothing.
You really want to pay me back?
Have a beast game against Mountain View.
All right, man. Come on.
The real waters go on the left,
and the special waters go on the right.
I know, I watched Hook for weeks.
The question is how do we get the stuff
to put into the special waters?
We'll get to that. Now here's what I say we do.
-We? -Hook and I made a side deal.
Did not see that coming.
[Plain Jane] When Hook mixed the drinks,
he'd fill it with vodka to the label right here.
I say we fill it an inch under.
That increases both supply
and, if you think about it, also demand.
But won't people notice
it's taking them longer to get buzzed?
Who cares? They have no other choice.
This is a no-competition business.
It's actually genius.
Now, how much cash do you have?
-300 bucks. -I'll text Hook,
and he'll have his guys meet you in the parking lot.
Yes.
Hey. What are you doing here?
I-- I was gonna run the bleachers.
-In wedges? -Yeah, I was gonna change.
Why didn't you text me?
I would've waited and ran with you.
Oh, I'm sorry. I totally should have.
Wow, what's up with team polo shirts?
Recruiters.
Big-time ones, too. Pac 12.
Oh, they must be here to see Ilo.
[scoffs] No wonder he had to play this week.
-How you doing? -Good, Ilo.
[camera clicking]
I have no idea why we're news.
I know.
I feel like people are looking at me, too.
There's nothing we can do about it now.
But you know how the school is, okay?
Something else will come up,
and no one will even think about us anymore.
Hey, uh, before you go,
did your brother say anything about us?
Forget it.
Okay. Bye.
I wasn't showing you the Ilo photo because of Hannah.
She's in an anxiety spiral.
I can already feel her pulling away.
Do you realize Hannah's the first girl to show me
an iota of interest since Sloane Davis rated me
a six out of ten in the third grade?
A six means interest to you?
I will take what I can get.
Look, if Hannah wants to be with someone
who is clearly more than a six,
she's gonna have to learn how to overcome the little things,
I mean, even if they don't seem that little to her right now.
Yeah, I know.
Thanks for saying I'm more than a six, by the way.
I appreciate the lie.
[door opens]
Well, the principal's son is The Crotch.
That is so rad.
Which is exactly why this has to stay between us,
-for obvious reasons. -My family's military.
It's in my blood to keep secrets under intense pressure.
Who knew you were such a badass?
Badasses in my world are always more than a six.
Wait, does Hurley know about all this?
No, she can't know.
Because of the Ilo election stuff.
You knew he was seeing Stacey before it was posted.
Yes, which is why we pivoted to Grace.
-So any news about Cerberus? -Okay, first of all,
it took a ton of deep diving
with some pretty high-grade military software--
This sounds highly sensitive.
Perhaps the discussion should take place in the Chamber.
What's the Chamber?
Nothing, he's kidding.
Moving on, bottom-line it.
I made contact with Cerberus.
-Seriously? -Yep.
Did you get us a meeting with him?
Sort of.
[marching drums play]
Ooh, keys. Low-tech, but effective.
So I don't understand.
Why have you never tried to find The Crotch before?
Because I never cared who it was.
The Crotch has always been good to me.
You know, besides those pervy yoga pics you put up.
People send photos anonymously.
Although knowing Farrah's involved does explain a lot
about what's been going on around here.
Where exactly are we going?
Greek Mythology, Homer.
-What the hell? -This guy's good.
[distorted male voice]
-So you're Cerberus.
Why'd you post that thing about me and Hannah?
-That was really uncool.
And I don't like being threatened.
Yet you're okay when you're doing the threatening.
Thick irony, isn't it?
So what do you want from us?
I want in on The Crotch officially.
Not happening.
You realize I can just keep posting if I want.
So then why don't you?
I mean, you clearly have the skill to make a hostile takeover.
There's more to it than that.
Now please ask the hot one to stop tracking me.
What are you talking about?
I'm not stupid. We're done here.
Well, he called Y "the hot one," so we know he's a dude.
You get anything?
Give me a little time with what I have.
I think I can get him.
Wait, wait, whose cell phone is that?
Screensaver's a picture of you.
This is my mother's phone.
Yeah, there's a picture of you at the beach.
-And not a hair on that body, huh? -Okay, can I--
Listen, that was taken a couple years ago.
All right. [laughs]
[music playing]
♪ Everybody's starting a shakedown, baby ♪
Your new partners want to talk to you.
-What? -Grace and Stacey?
-Partners in what? -Hook's former business.
It's cool with me that you're part of the whole Gracey deal.
How did you know?
Hook called me to make sure that I was okay with it,
you know, before he jumped into bed with them.
I'm sorry, now that I hear it,
I-- I know I should've told you myself.
It's just I wasn't even sure if I wanted to help them at first.
It's cool with me. Don't even think twice about it.
Are you sure? Because I wouldn't want any of you to think
that I was, like, I don't know, leaving you all for them.
[laughs] Oh, I don't think any of us thought that.
If you have to go talk to them, go.
We'll wait for you.
♪ Make out ♪
♪ Break ♪
Okay, there's no way you're cool with that.
I know Grace wants to be me,
but stealing my friends is a bit much.
Oh, hey, look, Ilo Hampton.
Hope you impressed those recruiters.
Oh, my God.
Hey, Hannah. May I?
Yeah.
Wow, it's pretty exciting that the recruiters
are coming to the game tomorrow, huh?
Ilo must be stoked on it.
Have the colleges done the home visits yet?
Oregon came last night.
Oregon.
Wow, Ilo's been wearing their gear since he was a kid.
Because my dad went there.
It's his dream that Ilo plays there.
Well, then it's probably good that Ilo
did not spray-paint that crotch rocket with Gus.
Your dad probably would've been pretty pissed
-if he couldn't play the game. -You have no idea.
Hmm.
Well, I'll wish him good luck.
Um, by the way, I saw that post about you and Cowher.
His locker's next to mine. He's a really good kid.
I'll catch you later.
What was that about?
It had nothing to do with you.
You've never said a word to Hannah in your entire life,
and I'm supposed to believe that had nothing to do with me?
Actually, yes.
You do realize not everything's about you, Cowher.
What could it possibly have been about?
Ilo.
A.K.A., not you.
Now I know what's going on with him.
[whistle blows]
[marching drums playing]
You were trying to get suspended.
You don't want to play tomorrow. I know why, too.
Ilo!
[breathing heavily]
What is it that you think you know?
For one, that you're already aware of the fact
that you should not be on this football field tomorrow.
-And why's that? -Because you have a concussion.
Maybe a few concussions. You're not sure how many.
Come on.
It's why you spray-painted your number on the wall.
I mean, you've watched ESPN. You've read up on it.
And you know how hard you've been hit.
It's probably why you couldn't smell
anything in the chem lab on Tuesday.
What does it matter to you? It's not your head.
Look, why don't you just, I don't know,
fake an injury or something, pretend you pulled a hamstring?
My father would get an MRI on my injury in two seconds,
and I'd be right back on this field.
And it's not just about him, it's about my coach
and the rest of the guys on this field.
Look, Farrah, you don't get football culture.
You play through the pain. I can't fake an injury.
Then why not tell them about your head?
Recruiters aren't taking a kid with a concussion history.
It's too controversial right now.
But they wouldn't think twice about taking a kid
who gets in trouble for a little vandalism.
Yeah, trouble's easy. Brain injury, not so easy.
So what was your plan?
I was trying to get suspended to avoid getting hit for a few weeks.
You know, see if the symptoms subside,
but I guess now, I'll just have to try to avoid taking any hard hits.
As a wide receiver? Genius move.
What else do you want me to say, Farrah?
I don't see any other choice.
[sighs]
Boy, Hurley is gonna love me for this one.
Why's that?
Because I'm gonna get you suspended.
But if I get you out of this, I need you to go see a doctor.
And a real one, not Web MD or some shit.
Then once you know what's going on up there,
you can tell or not tell whoever you want, okay?
Thanks.
You got it.
Let's go, guys, come on, huddle up!
All right.
Okay, a little higher. Okay, now laugh a little harder.
[laughing]
-Great. God. -Gus, come on.
-That'll do. -Gus, come on, come on.
Perfect, yes, that'll do.
All right! Thanks, man.
Okay, well, I will send this to Farrah,
and, hopefully, get you suspended.
Thanks for this.
You know, I appreciate it, given how I treated you.
Look, somewhere inside me, I knew what you were doing,
but I didn't want to admit it.
That doesn't mean that I forgive you.
But it also doesn't mean that I wish
to see your brain any dumber than it already is.
So I guess we both win.
You're a good friend.
Let's not get too crazy, okay?
[marching drums play]
Um, I'm having some problems--
Put your name on the sign-up sheet.
Great, I'll get back to you when I'm done with all the--
Hello, Cerberus.
Hot Jayne found me?
She's better than Mr. Robot.
What do you want, Dipankar?
-I want a piece of The Crotch. -You already took a piece.
Without Cowher.
He's the principal's son.
I've already seen him hold back to protect her.
So why do you want it?
The Crotch holds power. He's barely tapped into it.
Oh, so this is about power?
Well, you know, that dipshit also managed to parlay it
into a cute girlfriend, so, you know, there's that.
Mmm, see, I'm not buying that.
Or just maybe I'm just really bored of watching everyone
do nothing of interest around here.
Oh, you're one of those.
Those. You don't know me at all.
I think I might.
You're an Internet troll come to life,
and what's better than sitting in your room
getting people riled up on forums and comment sections?
Doing it to the people where you can see their reactions live.
-Am I close? -Not really.
What I don't understand
is why do you want to deal?
I mean, it seems like you've got everything figured out.
When the school board hired the company I work for
to track down The Crotch, it took me under, I don't know,
20 minutes to find Cowher,
but instead of reporting him,
I started watching him, which led me
-to watching both of you. -Creepy.
Yeah, it's so cute how two locker-mates
ended up in this together.
And your point is?
Without information, The Crotch is just another blog.
You're the one with the connections.
You're the one pulling the strings.
You're the one with the social skills.
I don't care about making a deal with Cowher.
I wanna make a deal with you.
And what if I don't want to make a deal with you?
I'll expose both you and the principal's son.
Oh, and his mom will likely get fired,
'cause we all know what happened
with that whole Hook Spygate debacle.
So, yeah, up to you.
Give me the rest of the day.
We'll figure this out.
But for now, we just need to play nice.
It's too much.
I don't want to do it anymore.
I'll just hand the drive over.
-Call it a year. -You can't do that.
Just status-quo it until we figure out
-our next move, please. -Why?
Because you and I both know that The Crotch
still has power, and we want to keep it.
What power?
You really need to be reminded of it?
Fine. Post this photo.
It may actually save Ilo's life.
Wow, he actually was there.
How is it going to save his life?
-Just put it on blast. -[cell phone chimes]
[school bell rings]
Oh, power trio. Cute.
-Be nice, Farrah. -What? That was nice.
"Power trio" is a compliment.
[cell phones chime]
"Privilege can't deny proof."
And, look, a photo of Ilo holding a spray can.
Oh, too bad for him.
-Good job. -Good job to you, too.
[Farrah]
to go through with some of the things we do.
You took a damn picture?
What kind of brainless moron are you?
I can't protect you now. You're getting suspended.
-♪ It's time to be brave ♪
♪ Do what it takes ♪
♪ Running straight towards the fire... ♪
[Farrah]
than it was the generation before us.
♪ Doesn't feel right ♪
♪ To turn a blind eye ♪
♪ When we know there's so much at stake... ♪
It's not surprising considering every little misstep we make
gets posted and will follow us for eternity.
♪ If we stay, if we rise ♪
♪ If we're fearless in the fight ♪
Which is why we never want to let the story
get out of our control.
♪ But we'll never grow tired ♪
♪ Of facing the riots ♪
♪ Battles will rage ♪
I gave you all day.
I can't do it.
So be it.
At least not like that. Not without Cowher.
What are you saying?
The three of us can be The Crotch.
We can work it out.
♪ ...the heroes ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
[Ilo]
♪ Everybody's starting to fall ♪
[woman singing in French]
♪ We could be ♪
♪ The heroes tonight ♪
[man singing in French]