I am thrilled to be here.
I have been traveling a ton lately,
and I spent a lot of time
in my hotel room watching TV.
I get very invested in my programs,
and this year, I got really into the Discovery Channel.
Specifically
Anybody here watch
Yes!
I love that show.
They're, like, "Welcome
"to the 20th anniversary of
"Today we're going to be telling you
the best way to fight off a shark."
"I'm sorry.
"You've been doing this show for 20 years?
You are just today?" Right?
"That should have been number one on your agenda.
"Episode one, day one of
how to get away from a (bleep) shark."
They wanted to know...
The best way to fight off a shark was
to punch him in the shark face.
All right, folks,
I'm not a scientist, like, per se.
(laughter)
But I'm pretty sure any time you punch under water...
(laughter)
This is your last line of defense against a shark
with, like... a 3,000-pound neck with teeth.
You're pretty much screwed.
You're just messing with the shark at that point,
and that's what they should call the show--
Messing With Sharks Week.
These are not legitimate experiments, all right?
These scientists are stoned, drunk, I don't know.
The director walks up. He's, like, "Wake up.
We have a show to do."
The scientist is, like, "Oh, crap, a show.
"Okay, uh... experiments, okay.
"Today on
"wrap it in bacon...
(laughter)
"...throw it in water, see what the shark does,
"and then, regardless,
"think we can agree, we're gonna punch him in the shark nose.
Yeah? Good? All right."
Here's the thing.
Shark's coming toward me, I'm going away from it.
End of story. And that's a shame,
because you don't give him the benefit of the doubt.
You don't know what he wants.
He could want a hug. You don't know.
(laughter)
He could need shark directions.
You don't know what he wants.
They're not good at conveying their emotions facially.
A shark is very limited in their range of facial expression.
A shark pretty much has one expression his whole life,
and this is it.
(laughter, scattered applause)
Kind of looks like Michael Phelps--
beady eyes, jagged teeth,
amazing swimmer.
(laughter, scattered applause)
I like to go out sober, 'cause I like to observe people.
It's what I do.
And I know, okay,
fingers crossed, that one night I'm going to go out sober,
and I'm going to see that one girl that's drunk
and picking fights with her boyfriend,
and she's going to happen to be dating that one guy
that has no problem with hitting an annoying girl in the face.
All right. I fantasize about seeing this.
She's going to be like five-two, right.
Just scrappy.
Just in his face for no--
"I'm an independent woman. What?
"You want to hit. I'm not afraid of you, do it.
"Do it. Do it. I'm not afraid of you.
"Do it. You want to hit me? Do it. Hit...
Oh, my God."
(laughter)
(applause, cheering)
"Why did you hit me?"
There's a lot of reasons not to go out drinking
and-and getting all crazy.
You know what? It's not even so much drinking.
It's drinking in excess
that will land you in a heap of trouble, okay?
Drinking is one thing.
When you drink too much--
when you've like five or six too many gin and tonics,
that's when you got about a 30% success rate
in terms of your evening not ending up
with crying, eating, mouth-kissing, texting,
or a combination of the four.
Okay?
'Cause here's what inevitably will happen.
You will do something stupid.
And by the way, for girls,
we have a hairpin trigger kind of crazy.
Our night can be going fine.
The littlest thing happens and all the sudden,
"I'm so mad, I don't even know why.
I'm just pissed. (bleep)!"
Right? It can be your ex-boyfriend text you,
a sad song comes on the radio,
(bleep) wind blows the wrong direction.
Then it's over.
And what happens is, you do something crazy
and then your friends are the only ones sober enough
to regale others with the tale of the stupid
crap you did the night before.
And it's always the same template.
It's always, "Did you hear about what happened last night?
"Oh, my God, we were drinking, hanging out, having fun,
"then something happened.
Night went downhill."
It's never, "Oh, my God, we were drinking,
"hanging out, having fun, something happened.
"Wow, that night got awesome.
We all went to go see Beyoncé for free."
No, it's...
"We were drinking, hanging out, having fun,
"Mike asked if he could change the radio station in the car...
(laughter, applause)
"...that's when Iliza started drunkenly text messaging
"all of her guy friends.
"When none of them wanted to make out with her,
"she got drunk in line at McDonald's drive-through,
"took that burger home, ate it while crying and masturbating,
"watching reruns of
Something happened."
Something happened.
(applause)