You've been watching The Bachelor, I assume.
Because I've been watching The Bachelor.
[APPLAUSE]
I've been watching The Bachelor because of the court order.
And you're going to watch tonight, probably?
[APPLAUSE]
I know.
Every year, I say, I'm not going to watch,
I'm not going to watch.
Then every year, I watch.
And I don't like to admit that I watch or that I'm a fan.
What I say, and most couples say,
is I watch because of Portia.
And she watches it.
And when she's not around, I watch because I
have to tell her about it.
[LAUGHTER]
So the very first Bachelor was back in 2002.
And now, it's its 24th season.
My talk show premiered one year later.
And we're only in our 17th season.
I'm not the goodest at math or English.
But either my show skipped seven seasons or The Bachelor
is going by dog years.
I don't know how it's its 24th season.
As you know, each year, the contestants change.
But I've noticed it doesn't matter.
Because every season ends up exactly the same.
And to prove it, I've taken clips
from the last two seasons.
And I've put them together in an editing machine.
When I say "I put them together," my editors.
You've probably figured out when I call it an editing machine,
I don't know what I'm talking about.
The first thing you'll notice from watching The Bachelor
is that it's really hard.
It's hard for the bachelor.
It's hard for the women.
This has been really, really, really hard.
And I think it just definitely shows me, truly,
how hard this is getting, and how much harder it's
going to get.
But it's so hard.
It's hard to see someone else get that.
It is hard to see him developing a connection with her.
It's been so hard.
For whatever reason, it's just been hard.
It's just been really, really difficult.
It's just hard.
I know it's hard.
Tonight's decision has been the hardest.
It's just so hard.
Seeing how disappointed she was in that was hard.
It got so hard.
[LAUGHTER]
That's what she said.
[APPLAUSE]
All right.
Another thing that happens every season is everyone on the show
starts questioning each other's motives.
I mean, I saw it with Hannah last season.
Seeing her fall for someone that wasn't
there for the right reasons.
There was a lot of other girls here that are up here
and that are here for the right reasons.
I am here for, I would hope, all the right reasons.
He really needs to think about who
is here for the right reasons.
Being here for Colton is her opportunity
to get out of Miami instead of really
being in for genuine reasons.
I have been nothing but honest and here for the right reasons.
If anyone isn't here for the right reasons, it is Kimmy.
She has shown me no reasons that she's here
for the right reasons.
[LAUGHTER]
Some of them are for the wrong reasons, not the right reason,
which is to fall in love with a stranger in two weeks
and get married.
[APPLAUSE]
That is the right reason to be there.
And as I've been watching this season,
I've noticed women go on a date with Peter.
And they show love in a very specific way.
These are clips from--
this is all from this season.
Kelsey!
Hi!
I'm so excited!
Hello.
Oh, yeah.
I've missed you.
Hi, I missed you.
Oh!
What's up, beautiful?
Hi!
I missed you!
Oh!
I missed you!
Hi.
[LAUGHTER]
[INAUDIBLE]
You look cute.
You look adorable.
Oh, come here.
I've missed you.
Come here.
It's so good to see you!
Oh, I'm so happy right now.
Why?
Why do women love to be picked up by men?
I thought it was a straight thing.
Because I never run and jump into Portia's arms.
Once, but I was trying to get away from a snapping turtle.
Actually, I have jumped into a man's arms once here
on the show.
But you can't blame me.
Because it was Ryan Gosling.
So, you know.
[APPLAUSE]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
All right, three times!
Three times!