- Brainless hordes (ominous music)
ruled by nothing but primal urges
are roaming the streets,
making life utterly unbearable for the rest of us?
I think I can handle it.
I mean, I went through
the public school system once already.
- Now, why the heck (upbeat lounge music)
did I think that the mall (zombies moaning)
would a good place to ride out the end of the world?
It turns out that everyone and their undead grandmother
had the same idea.
Hold up. Is that a clearance sale at Anthropologie?
Aw, yeah!
- Chillax, guys. (upbeat lounge music)
If this anything like my "Walking Dead" fan fiction,
all we have to do is hunker down someplace safe
until we're rescued by a mysterious lady with a crossbow.
And don't worry, it's not one of those fanfics.
I keep it G-rated.
Well, PG.
13.
- All right, pack your bags. (upbeat lounge music)
We're moving to Florida.
- [Man] But isn't that where the zombie outbreak started?
- Exactly, which means beach front properties
are dirt cheap right now.
A global catastrophe is no excuse
for missing out on a prime investment opportunity.
- [ISTJ] How many times do I have to tell you children
to buckle your seat belts?
- [Child] But Mom, it's a zombie apocalypse!
- [ISTJ] Yeah, well, that's why we need the rules
now more than ever.
Now quit playing with Mommy's crossbow!
- I'm telling you, (intense music)
the only way we get out of this alive
is technical ingenuity.
Sure, there were some mishaps with my Gatorade Gatling gun,
but just wait until you see me turn this Coke bottle
into a bazooka.
- The fact that our supplies are dwindling
isn't what scares me. (ominous music)
I mean, the human body can go without food
for three weeks.
No, what scares me the most is,
no one knows how long
the human body can go without internet.
We're in uncharted territory here.
- Whoa, what I did (upbeat lounge music)
was not crazy, okay?
It was a display of dominance.
You have to put these zombies in their place.
Why else would I try to bite a zombie
before he could bite me?
Because I thought it would be fun?
Well, it was, but that's beside the point!
- The undead are right at our door,
and my crisis de-escalation classes
did not prepare me for this. (zombies moaning)
Timmy, get the projector ready
for my Power Point presentation.
We will see how these zombies handle breakout groups.
Timmy? Oh, Timmy.
- After countless hours of work,
the vaccine is almost finished.
All it needs (intense music)
is a human test subject.
When I drink this, I'll either be immune to the infection
or the vaccine will liquefy my vital organs,
taking me far away from this God-forsaken place.
Either way, it's a win-win.
- You may be wondering (upbeat lounge music)
how I've survived this long.
The truth is, I've been functionally invisible
for my whole life, and it's really coming in handy
now that the world's falling apart.
I'm like 99% sure this one zombie saw me
and actively pretended I didn't exist.
It kind of hurt my feelings.
Like, who does that?
- Aside from the army of flesh-eaters
10 feet above our heads, (upbeat lounge music)
this is such a cozy bunker!
Wait a second, did you get those pumpkin spice candles
from Dollar Tree?
I have half a mind to leave this bunker right now,
and risk my life so I can get some decent candles
from a respected retailer.
Wow.
- Hold on a second, (upbeat lounge music)
the zombies will come after anyone?
Even me?
- [Man] Uh, yeah.
- Wow, I'm flattered that the undead
would find me desirable this far past my prime.
- I'm freakin' out, man. (zombies moaning)
I look out (upbeat lounge music)
at what's left of the world,
and all I can see is never-ending chaos.
People are literally being eaten in the streets.
Which is not particularly vegan,
if I'm being honest.
- Thanks to this outbreak, (upbeat lounge music)
civilization is sure to collapse,
and you know what that means?
- [Man] Uh, we're doomed?
- What? No!
It means that someone
will need to rise up from the rubble and rule!
No, sit down, I wasn't talking about you, you donut.
- Guys, what if we're going about this all wrong?
I know that the zombies are grotesque.
I know that they've attacked our homes
and taken our loved ones away from us,
but maybe they're just misunderstood.
Maybe with a little love, (poignant music)
these zombies can change.
Maybe what these bloodthirsty monsters really need
is to know that we care.
- How was I supposed to know (upbeat music)
that even trace amounts of Coca-Cola Classic
make zombies run faster?
Where's my baseball bat?
I'm gettin' too old for this sh-