so let's work for a minute on differentiation for people to be healthy
they need to have their own identity they need to be responsible for
themselves but still connected to others this is called interdependence when
working with family members of people with mental illness there are two
patterns that pop up frequently but are not very helpful enmeshment and
detachment enmeshment is when you are fused with another
person enmeshment sounds like I need you to be okay
for me to be okay I need you to see things my way for us to be okay
underneath enmeshment is a strong empathic connection but a lack of
knowing what to do with those emotions so people subconsciously send the
message your emotions impacted me so strongly that the only way I know to
avoid my emotions is to try to fix yours it's difficult to avoid enmeshment when
a child or spouse is having a serious difficulty injury or illness and this
is in part because of the intensity of emotions surrounding that relationship
enmeshment is high empathy but low boundaries sometimes enmeshment looks
like I need you to change for me to love you but often it looks like I need to
fix you for me to be okay enmeshment often creates dependence on each other
lack of individuality feelings of being trapped and confused responsibility so
each person feels responsible for the other but unable to help himself because
each person is basing their emotions on the other they feel trapped helpless and
out of control obviously this creates an unhealthy
relationship and conditions that make it nearly impossible to heal to be healthy
your identity and worth should not depend on fixing others you might be
meshed if you feel like you need to rescue someone from their emotions you
need someone else to rescue you from your emotions you can't tell the
difference between your emotions and their emotions for example you're only
happy when they're happy and you are only sad if they're sad you and the
other have little to no personal time and
space there's a lack of privacy there's exclusivity in the relationship
parents are confiding secrets to the child or the parent is relying on the
child for their emotional support you or their self-esteem it depends on what
they think about you or what you think about them you feel like you're walking
on eggshells the opposite of enmeshment is detachment personal and relational
boundaries are overly rigid and family members come and go without any apparent
knowledge of what each other is going through while this may feel safer it can
be just as problematic as enmeshment the crazy thing about detachment is that
usually underneath it is not a lack of concern for others but an overwhelming
concern and that is uncomfortable stressful exhausting and overwhelming it
can hurt to care so you cut off the person to protect yourself detachment is
high boundaries and low empathy now there are times when a situation
requires separation for example if safety is a concern or a lack of
resources on your part but cutting someone off because it hurts to care
usually isn't motivation for them to change and it's often contrary to your
own values some signs of a detachment include you're not talking to each other
you frequently avoid each other you avoid talking about anything real the
conversation always stays superficial you may feel angry or blame them or you
bring to mind their faults you dread calling them or asking how is it going a
healthier approach is interdependence interdependence means that each person
is responsible for their own emotions and actions but there's still a
supportive connection so people reach out and help when they're able and when
it's beneficial interdependence says I can care I can handle having feelings
and my empathy for you it's okay to feel interdependence is high empathy high
boundaries with connection and boundaries comes a willingness to feel
and vulnerability and also a separateness
people can make their own decisions while acknowledging the impact on others
solving enmeshment and detachment doesn't mean not caring
it means caring in an empathic way but still giving the other responsibility
for their own emotions and decisions your roles are clear you're not the
fixer the Savior the problem solver you are a helper and they are responsible
for their life you care you feel for them but you still make intentional
choices instead of being emotionally reactive adult roles are maintained so
the wife and husband has turned to each other instead of children for support
you're connected involved in each other's lives but you're not dependent
on them to feel okay and vice versa you act on your values not their approval or
emotions so it's not like you have connection at the cost of independence
or vice versa but you have high love and high boundaries a crisp clear
understanding of who is responsible for their own life if you see signs of
enmeshment or detachment in your relationship with your person see what
you can do to increase empathy and boundaries to move toward a healthier
relationship it will help you feel more peace and help them overcome patterns
that interfere with their growth