The day I wrote "I guess I'm in love"
I was at home in my little apartment.
It was 9:00 p.m.
and at that point I was in a relationship
for about like a month in
and I realized that holy shit.
I was sitting in my chair and I was like,
"Wow, I'm so in fucking love right now."
Like my heart's beating,
my mind's racing, everything's like,
totally shit. Like, I don't want anyone else.
And I sat by my piano,
I started playing chords.
I started thinking about lyrics and then
30 minutes later, song was done.
I actually didn't wanna put this song out
if I'm being honest. (laughs)
It was an okay song
and I,
I don't know.
I planned on putting something else out
and then for some reason, fucking TikTok,
here we go again.
I put it out
on there and then everyone started loving it
and then I was like, cool.
Let's put it out then.
Not that I didn't want to,
but I guess I didn't really think about it.
I just kinda shelved the song
and I was like
this is like a two out of 10,
it's a three out of 10 song.
It's not too bad.
Yeah, I posted on TikTok for like
basically every day for two months
and I kept telling everyone,
"I'll release it tomorrow,
I'll release it next week, no worries."
And I just didn't. (laughs)
Toxic. You know, I'm just toxic like that.
And then I don't know, everyone just,
I started hearing it every video.
Kept like
blowing up and it was this whole thing
and then when we got everything ready,
it was out and it's doing,
doing pretty good, not too bad.
That was basically what happened.
Like a couple of weeks ago,
I think I saw my girlfriend at the time,
she was laying on my chest and it just felt so nice.
It felt so nice to be loved and cuddled and hugged.
Wow, that's pretty deep now I think about it. Jesus Christ.
You know, the funny thing is that
the person I that wrote that about,
we broke up the next day after the song came out.
So this is great.
I'm having a great time explaining this fucking song.
(laughs)
It was just true love,
you know what I mean?
There's a bunch of things I hate about myself
but for some reason it's like
she loves it.
She thinks it's the best parts of me.
And I'm like, "What the fuck, you're weird.
Stop doing that. That's kind of weird."
I overthink a lot.
When it comes to relationships,
I just have a lot of trauma.
So for everyone watching this,
don't be in a relationship with me.
Don't even try.
I promise you, I'm going to ruin your life.
Trust issues from family,
abandonment issues, I can talk about
all the fucking issues right now.
So that just leads to my relationships being like,
my head is so confused all the time
from these little things of like,
I'm not gonna say it cause I'm gonna sound fucking crazy,
but I feel like some people relate.
But just like, you know,
just little things they do
or little things they don't do
that make me freak out in my little songwriter head
which helps with my job
but not helps with my,
not helps with having healthy relationships in life.
But yes, I'm a mess.
That's for sure.
I don't know how to explain it. I don't know.
And it's not like with every person, you know what I mean?
Like sometimes you just kind of look at someone
and like one in like a year or two
and it's like,
whoa, I feel like I'm about to fucking pass out right now
on the floor.
Just like die.
Just like dead,
buried in the ground because I'm so nervous.
I don't know how to explain it.
It's just like,
you look at someone and it's like
you're all I've ever,
I'm the biggest hopeless romantic in this fucking world.
It's really bad.
I took someone out on a date once
when I was living in Amsterdam
and I the night before I watched this movie
where there was a scene of like
go to a bar at 12:00 a.m.
go to the park when it's pitch black,
both of you piss on each tree on the other side
then you talk about how strong your streams are.
And then you dance in the middle and play Louis Armstrong.
And you know what happened the next day?
I took someone out on a date and I did the same thing.
I did exactly the same fucking thing
so I'm the biggest hopeless romantic.
But I just like,
I dunno, I just fall in love with everyone for some reason.
It's really toxic.
First girlfriend I ever dated cheated on me
with my best friend.
We dated for two years.
Cheated on me with my best friend
and I physically saw it happen.
So it was quite graphic and quite traumatic.
It was really,
it was really fucking weird.
And then, I mean,
I have had like four relationships in my life including
the person I wrote that about,
and everything has kinda just been shit mate,
I'm not gonna lie.
It's just been like,
honestly has been a waste of my time
and waste of so much money.
But
I dunno, it's a lot of heartbreak from that
and a heartbreak from family relationships
and just like
not being loved enough in that sense.
Like not being shown the same amount of love
I show to people who I love,
and I don't know, it just,
when I met that person it was like,
holy shit. Like, it seems like you love me
more than I love you.
And I'm like, whoa,
that's new and like,
this is
when I said someone who is worth the wait
of all years of my heartbreak
it was like,
I'm glad I went through all that shit.
I'm glad I had to go through all that,
the heartbreak, because now I've found you.
I guess it was just real love
cause I love those things.
Those are actual things about her.
Like she, I don't know, fucking everyone has ADD now.
I have ADD.
I can't seem to focus on anything.
And she was really bad.
She was astronomically really bad
with talking about her feelings
and she would stop in the middle of
writing paragraphs about me and all this shit
and
I thought it was so cute.
I thought it was the cutest thing in the fucking world.
And I loved
all of it.
I mean, that idea came from
me being a mega hopeless romantic,
where you just elope and you forget about the world
and you wanna live in an island
and just love each other forever
and do that for the rest of your life.
I think one night I was just stressed out
with work, trying to figure everything out
and we had a conversation
do you want to just like take a one-way flight,
go to Bali and like never talked to anyone
in our lives ever again and just like zone out?
And I was like fuck yeah, let's do that right now.
And then,
I mean, that's really what I wanna do, I'm not gonna lie.
I just wanna like,
if someone wants to do that, I'm here.
Just send me a DM.
I'll do it with you. (laughs)
I mean like learning from my past relationships
and you know, each relationship you go through,
you break up, you learn about shit that you want,
you learn about shit that you don't want.
You learn about stuff that,
you learn about relationships more basically.
And then just going through that
and then ending up with this relationship,
I dunno, you just kind of realize that
love isn't all happy and love isn't all like,
oh, we're good,
every day for the rest of our lives.
No, you're gonna fucking fight.
You're gonna have disagreements
cause that's just human nature
and
you're going to twist and turn and pull and push,
it is what it is.
But my head always just goes to
we'll figure it out and you know,
we'll be stronger and we'll figure it out
and in the end it'll all be worth it.
You know what I mean?
Oh shit. I guess this is like
a girlfriend application video.