♪ ["The Review Must Go On"] ♪
Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic! I remember it so YOU don't have to!
And welcome to another installment of: "Was That Real?"
Not utilizing an incredibly popular icon is like not utilizing an incredibly convenient cameo.
Hey, you got any water around here?
[Angry Video Game Nerd] Ohhhh, you want some WATER, yeah?
*splash*
[Critic] MC Hammer is one of those people.
Known as the music you play at a wedding when you want to show how IRONICALLY white you are,
MC Hammer used to be everywhere!
He had the number one rap album, concert, show appearances, commercials...
He was all over the place!
[MC Hammer] Now that's the way the Hammer runs for the border!
[Critic] And at the height of his popularity came what many consider to be the most EMBARRASSING part of his entire career,
and that's saying a lot!
The MC Hammer cartoon: Hammerman!
[MC Hammer] ♪ Hammerman! Hammer! Hammerman! Hammer! Hammerman! Hammer! ♪
Yep, this really happened!
In 1991, we got a Saturday morning cartoon SO ridiculously bad, that...
well, we're talking about it here.
Give Vanilla Ice some credit: HE didn't even put a Saturday morning cartoon on TV!
No, he put his on the BIG screen to embarrass himself!
It ran for only 13 episodes, and you can QUICKLY see why.
The cheapness value of this show is AWARD-winningly lazy!
...in that I JUST made up an award to grant it, so I could give it that title!
Just LOOK at how half-assed this is!
Did they skip the animation process and just color the storyboards?
Look at this! They didn't even finish this half of him in the opening!
Kids would see that every week! You couldn't just move him a little to the RIGHT??
THAT was too much effort for you?!
But don't take MY word for it!
Probably the BIGGEST testament to this show's self-aware humiliation,
is that they spend as much time as possible NOT showing you the cartoon!
Take the intro for example:
Most of it focuses on Hammer himself rather than showing much animation.
And tell me if this doesn't feel like the LONGEST, most DRAWN-OUT rap ever!
[MC Hammer] ♪ Here's how it started! A long time ago! ♪
♪ The legend of the Hammer and... how it began to grow! ♪
♪ He was given magical shoes, from a hip-hop Motown dude! ♪
♪ Together they had power, they stood up for what was right ♪
♪ But Gramps was getting old, and he couldn't keep up the fight! ♪
♪ Right, so Gramps and his granddaughter, they went out on the roads ♪
♪ To find the man they knew could tell who was worthy of the load! ♪
♪ They met a guy named Stanley, who was dancing every night ♪
♪ He helped the kids play every day, his heart was outta sight! ♪
♪ So Gramps opened up the bag-- ♪
[Critic] Jesus! How much of your life story ya gonna go into?!
♪ He went to the store! To get himself some milk! ♪
♪ But he saw it expired, so he looked for the receipt! ♪
♪ But he couldn't find it! So he just called it quit! ♪
♪ But then he looked down, and saw it was on his feet! ♪
♪ So he went back to the store!... ♪
After almost A MINUTE AND A HALF of that intro, we then cut to the REAL Hammer dancing with some kids.
Theeen after that, we cut to Hammer AGAIN, literally telling you what you're about to see!
No! He gives the WHOLE EPISODE away!
[MC Hammer] Jodie goes all around O-Town, putting graffiti everywhere on everybody's property, and she gets in trouble.
The graffiti comes alive!
[Kids] What?! [MC Hammer] I wasn't supposed to tell you that.
[Critic] Sometimes, he even reveals the lesson before you're supposed to learn it!
[MC Hammer] Anybody like graffiti?
[Kids] No!!! [MC Hammer] Because most people put it where they're not supposed to.
Now, it CAN be good,
but it's not right when you put it on other people's property, and that's what the show is all about today.
[Critic] Why the fuck would you say the message first, if you're gonna spend the majority of the show HAMMERING it away?!?!
[MC Hammer] We kicking it off today!
[Critic] After we cut to even MORE kids dancing,
We FINALLY start the cartoon that's gonna teach you the lesson Hammer just taught you a second ago.
But don't worry... if SOMEHOW you miss the lesson in the beginning AND throughout the rest of the episode,
Hammer pops up AGAIN to tell you once more what it is!
[MC Hammer] Tagging somebody else's property with graffiti is illegal, and it's wrong.
[Critic] I don't think GAS STATIONS fill this much!
[MC Hammer] So next time you feel like doing a little artwork, do it on some paper.
And who knows? You might end up drawing on a cartoon like Hammerman one day!
[Critic] NOOOOO!!! You got it the other way around!! That should be the PUNISHMENT for kids doing graffiti!
The story, if you missed that Lord of the Rings-length opening,
is about a youth leader named Stanley Burrell, which is Hammer's real name,
who comes across an old man named Gramps and his granddaughter, Jodie.
Gramps has a pair of magic talking shoes...
I'm just gonna assume they sound annoying...
[Annoying-Sounding Shoe #1] You were looking at my cards! [Annoying-Sounding Shoe #2] Was not! [Annoying-Sounding Shoe #1] Were too!
[Critic] That's all we need.
They used to transform Gramps into a superhero named Soulman.
But he's retired and looking for a replacement,
and of course, Stanley literally fills his shoes, and becomes the superhero Hammerman!
What are his secret powers?
Well, aside from making the choppy animation look more shitty than a CD-i game,
it's actually kind of hard to tell.
We know he can make objects dance to his music and parachute with his pants,
but aside from that, it seems to be relying on the vague properties of animated music notes.
He also seems to have backup singers, which at first, sounds kind of cool!
Like, you know, a few sidekicks to help him kick some ass or something.
But, nope! They LITERALLY just sing backup! They don't contribute at all!
[Backup Singers] ♪ We need the Hammer! ♪
♪ Danny's in trouble, that ain't a lie! ♪
♪ Oooooooooooohhhhh, look! ♪
[Critic] Even when he's not HAMMERMAN, they just randomly sing about shit!
[Backup Singers] ♪ Here's that POOR stray doooog! ♪
♪ O-Town's money is his! ♪
[Critic] Yeah, what are their lives like?
Do they just sit around in alleyways and eat out of garbage waiting for something to get the material to sing about?
[Backup Singers] WHOOOOAA! Whooa-whoa!
[Critic] But a hero is only as pathetic as his villains, and these are some pretty lousy ones indeed!
The lineup includes Defacely Mar-Meister, who brings graffiti monsters to life,
Rap-poleon, who wants to shrink the world so that he's taller than everyone else,
and Paula Onion.
She steals SHOES!
Monster!
As you'd imagine, their character development was on par with ANYTHING Batman: The Animated Series was putting out.
[Stanley] You're just doing this because you had an unhappy childhood. You want to talk about it?
[Defacely] NO!!!
[Critic] ...And that's all you need! Two-Face has got NOTHING on THAT backstory!
They always partake in two pastimes:
1) Scheming up plans that make no sense,
like drawing graffiti and bringing it to life to rob banks, when you could...
just draw money and bring THAT to life!
And kidnapping Jodie.
Yeah, she's the pawn sacrifice most kids' shows used to have.
[Jodie] Put me down! You're asking for it!
[Critic] Half the time, Hammerman doesn't even need to save her! The bad animation does it FOR him!
Look at here: "Oh, she's tied up. Who'll save me? Ahhhhh..."
But literally the next scene, she's just FREE and she runs away!
What the hell happened there?! Were the villains just like:
(imitating villain) "Is that too tight? Let me untie that for you."
"You want a pillow? I can get you a pillow."
"You want me to just turn myself in? I would LOVE to turn myself in for you!"
"No? Okay. I-if you could just fill out this survey, please give me ten outta ten, that'd be great!"
"And hey, if you turn that in the next time you get kidnapped, you get a free cookie!"
She wouldn't be TOO bad if she was a better character,
but this is ONE DUMB KID!
She NEVER puts together that both Stanley AND Hammerman are the same person!
How the FUCK is that humanly possible?!?!
Even Clark Kent took his glasses off! He doesn't even have the energy to do THAT!!
[Jodie] Hammerman! Ohhh, I missed him again!
[Critic] And, okay, even IF puffy pants SOMEHOW manage to disguise a person's identity,
she KNOWS about the MAGIC SHOES!!
[Gramps] Now I know life's been real hard on her,
spending all that time traveling around with me, looking for the right person to wear them shoes.
[Critic] Yeah! Remember? In the intro, they clearly explained that she's helping Gramps to find a replacement for a superhero!
And... SUDDENLY a superhero wearing those shoes who looks like her friend Stanley pops up--
SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!
Is his... SEIZURE dancing REALLY too distracting to put two and two together?!
But I know what you're thinking:
Does any of that REALLY matter when we get to listen to some of the INCREDIBLE rap that Hammer is capable of?
[Hammerman] Yo, you guys are livin' small, but hey, let's play some basketball!
Gotta fill my minor rap! I can't afford to let it nap!
Everything is in control! Time for me to hip-hop stroll!
[Critic] Clearly, yes. That's a hard yes.
Half the time the sound design is so bad, you can't even HEAR the rap!
♪ [muffled, indistinct rapping] ♪
And like I said, even when you CAN, you're MOSTLY wishing you couldn't.
[Hammerman] I've had it with these crooks, they give me indigestion!
They're headed back to jail, about that there's no question!
This is not an effect! I'm a rapper, not a hair donor!
[Critic] What does that even MEAN?
Maybe that's why they spell out the sound effects all the time.
They're afraid too many people WON'T do their job and just FORGET to put the ACTUAL sound effect in!
Or they'd figure that the show was just so damn crazy, that nobody would even care!
And they were right!
From terrible writing to some of the most low-budget animation available...
Oh, for God's sake, I CAN SEE THROUGH HIM!!!
Hammerman is an anomaly you have to see to believe.
You'd swear this was like a PARODY on MadTV or SNL!
But, no! It's the TV equivalent of Bébé's Kids!
.....the GAME!
There's apparently no plans to put the show on DVD, but truth be told...
That's kind of to our loss!
Something SO LAZY to the point of surrealism should be remembered!
It should be documented just for the curiosity of how fascinatingly desperate we can get to put a name on anything!
Hammerman is just as bad as it sounds,
but, truth be told, it kind of makes it more fun to watch!
If you're in the mood for one of the most EMBARRASSING excuses to make a show EVER,
This is definitely one worth the search.
So look online, find those VHS's, and check it out for yourself.
[MC Hammer] ♪ Hammerman! Hammer! Hammerman! Hammer! ♪
♪ Hammerman! Hammer! Hammerman! Hammer! ♪
♪ Awww YEAH!! ♪
[Critic] And of course, it's proof that just because you can do something with a popular name,
doesn't always mean you necessarily should.
[Nerd] You want to do a Let's Play crossover of Bart's Nightmare?
[Critic] Only if I get to wear my Melvin costume.
♪ ["The Review Must Go On"] ♪
♪ [Channel Awesome theme] ♪
Hey guys, Doug Walker here. Two things to address:
First off, you might be wondering "Is that the review for this week"?
Uhhh, NO. It actually is NOT.
We needed one more week... on this review,
uh, because it's a review we've kind of wanted to do for a while, and we...
were trying to put as much effort into it as we can, 'cuz we really wanna get as close to right as possible.
Uh, so yeah. We're taking one more week on this review,
but it'll definitely show... uh, in the final product,
uh, so look forward to that!
And then of course second, we are doing the Charity Shout-out, and the charity this week is Charity: Water.
And this is a charity that does exactly that:
it gets clean fresh water to people, particularly in third-world countries that don't have access to it, and that's crazy!
EVERYONE should have access to free, clean water. That is VITAL as what you need to survive,
and... it's basically like being punished because of where you were born, not having something that essential.
And this charity goes and they get clean water to these people.
They're starting a NEW campaign this MONTH trying to help raise awareness, and you can help as well.
It's just something where you can do anything you want!
You can bike, you can draw, you can do a triathlon, you can do pretty much anything,
to help raise awareness and raise money and show support for this wonderful cause.
And it's something that's going on right now, and you can go to their website...
and check it out, and you can see what you can do.
It's a wonderful chance to do just ALL sorts of various options to raise awareness of this...
and the money all goes to getting water to people that really, really need it.
That just need good, clean water to survive to live and to be healthy.
It's the most vital thing you need! It's what we ALL need, and this is a charity that's trying to get it to everybody.
So please, if you have a chance, definitely go check out this website, and see if you can show them your support.