- The pilot was trying to give us this speech before.
It was crazy, he was just like,
"All right guys before we take off on Cape Air,
"I just wanna let you know
"pretty much the most important rule.
"You guys know how on a regular plane..."
(audience laughs)
And I was like what's with this fucking regular plane thing?
I was like, get a new spiel. (audience laughs)
He's like, "You know when you're on a regular plane,
"they're like turn you phones off,
"but you really don't have to turn your phone off?
"On this plane, turn your fucking phones off."
(audience laughs)
(upbeat music)
- Flew in, do not like to fly.
And I tell my friends that, they're like,
oh you're afraid your gonna die?
No, I just don't really like getting talked down to
the moment I walk into the airport.
(audience laughs)
Let's pull it back TSA, let's pull it back one notch.
You walk in, they just,
Your shoes have to be off, your shoes have to be off
and they have to go on the belt.
Take your belt off, do you have a belt on?
(audience laughs)
Well then that comes off.
You're talking down to me?
This is like one of the only places I walk into, look around
and immediately assume that if I wanted to
I could just be the manager.
(audience laughs)
Know what I mean?
Like I'm one application away
from just owning whatever this is.
(audience laughs)
And you're talking down to me.
Get your belt off, do you have anything in your pockets?
No, you can put your ID away,
you don't have to show that anymore.
They honestly think that we're going,
when can I show my ID again, when can I get this out again?
You can put it away, you don't need your ID.
Get everything out of your pockets,
put it in the smaller tub.
If you have to stuff in there it goes in the smaller tub.
Take your computer out, your computer cannot be touching
socks when it goes through that,
it has to be in its own tub.
Duh.
(audience laughs)
Duh, we all know that.
(audience laughs)
Computers can't touch socks
when they go through whatever that is.
(audience laughs)
Know that kinda stuff, duh.
- My other airport nemesis is airport security.
I don't like them at all.
They seem so dedicated to keeping
bottled water out of the sky.
(audience laughs)
That's the main thing, it's probably easier to get cocaine
on a plane than a bottle of water.
(audience laughs)
The only way you couldn't get cocaine on a plane,
if they looked at it and said, what is this, powdered water?
(audience laughs)
No, it's cocaine.
Then go right ahead, enjoy your flight.
(audience laughs)
Because a terrorist tried a liquid bomb thing,
now nobody can bring liquids on a plane.
One person messed it up for everybody.
But I feel like that's being reactive instead of proactive,
because terrorists always try new stuff.
So next it's gonna be some type of Snickers bomb,
and after that happens you can't bring
full-sized Snickers on a plane anymore.
You can only bring miniature Snickers
'cause one person messed it up for everybody.
Now you're at security trying
to negotiate your Snickers situation,
hey, is it all right if I bring four miniature Snickers,
that's about the same size as a full-sized Snickers.
Security's like, don't play with me,
this is not a game, we are saving the world
one Snickers bar at a time for your freedom and America.
Relax man, I'm just hungry, stop yelling at me.
(audience laughs)
- I am really lucky though. This job is the best job.
(audience cheers)
And for this job I gotta travel all the time.
And this happens to me all the time,
happened when I came here,
I had to go to the big TSA machine
where you put your hands at the top
and they see like your tampons and stuff.
(audience laughs)
Right, so I had to go through, and the woman stops me,
she goes, "Excuse me miss, we have to stop you,
"your butt set off the machine."
(audience laughs)
Yeah, you guys know what that means.
Means that this ass is a threat
to Homeland Security, you guys, look at it!
(audience cheers)
Oh no, it's so dangerous!
- He starts, I don't know how they start, he just starts--
(audience laughs)
He's like, "I'm the pilot."
(audience laughs)
And we're all like, I totally believe you, yeah.
(audience laughs)
And then he goes, "We made up some time
"in the air so we're gonna be early,
"but then I just talked to the airport
"and it's congested so we're gonna be in a holding pattern
"and now we're gonna be late."
(audience laughs)
And everybody's like,
why the hell did you tell us that, man? (audience laughs)
Keep that to yourself, you know?
But then you accept it, right?
I mean, I did.
The guy sitting next to me, he did not accept it.
(audience laughs)
He turns to me and he goes, "Just land the plane."
(audience laughs)
And I go, where?
(audience laughs)
Like the place that takes planes is full.
(audience laughs)
- I don't know if anybody's ever flown Cape Air,
but I'll tell you what it is, it's a Volvo that flies.
(audience laughs)
First thing, you pull up to the airport.
I didn't even know it was the Cape Air airport
because it looked like a post office.
(audience laughs) First thing you do when you get in there,
there's one lady working in the airport.
(audience laughs)
And when I got in there I was like, what the fuck's going on
and she was like, "Okay, weigh your carry on."
I was like, that seems normal,
I've weighed my carry on before.
And she was like, "Now weigh your backpack."
I was like, well that's a little odd,
I've never really weighed my backpack,
but you know, maybe there's not a lot going on
at Cape Air, maybe she's just trying to get a good work in.
Like, you know what I mean?
So I weighed my backpack, and then she was like, "Now you."
(audience laughs)
And I was like, why do I have to be weighed?
And she was like, "Well, we have to weigh everybody
"so we know where to sit you
"on the plane so it doesn't topple over.
"'Cause it's not like a regular plane"
And I was like, did you just say regular plane?
(audience laughs)
Why the fuck is that okay?
It's terrifying.
You walk to the plane, you can sit shotgun with the pilot.
(audience laughs)
Like he's your buddy from college.
The pilot was trying to give us a speech before.
It was crazy, he was just like,
"All right guys before we take off
"On Cape Air, I just wanna let you know
"pretty much the most important rule.
"You guys know how on a regular plane."
I was like, what's with this fucking regular plane thing?
I was like, get a new spiel.
He's like, "You know when you're on a regular plane,
"they're like turn your phones off,
"but you really don't have to turn your phone off?
"On this plane, turn your fucking phones off."
(audience laughs)
All right, everybody have a safe flight, all right.
- One of the four times that I've moved
from LA to Austin I drove there
with my four cats and my dog in the car.
And I rented a giant SUV and I put these big
kennels in the back for the cats,
where I had food and water dishes
and litter boxes and blankets.
But even with all those amenities,
there were a lot of angry accusations
coming from the back of the car,
(audience laughs)
for a couple hours, and then it just got completely silent.
And that made me kinda nervous
'cause I didn't know if maybe they were planning something.
(audience laughs)
So I just pulled over and I called a family meeting.
(audience laughs)
I explained to the cats, like I know that this drive
across country is difficult, but living in Austin again
is gonna make life better for all of us.
And there is no (mimics meowing) in team.
(audience laughs)
So.
- Like if I could go back in time tonight,
and go back to like the '20s,
knowing everything I know right now,
I don't think I would make a difference.
(audience laughs)
I don't think you guys would even hear about it.
I don't think you would.
'Cause I don't have anything to give.
Like I would go back and I would see some guy
on a old phone, and I'd be like,
hey eventually they have phones
you like carry in your pocket.
And he'd be like, yeah so how do they do it?
I'm like, (sighs) I mean, I don't know how they do it.
(audience laughs)
I think it's a satellite, I think, a satellite.
They're like, what's a satellite?
(sighs) I shouldn't have even said that.
(audience laughs)
(exhales loudly) It's like metal,
metal's gonna go pretty high in the air.
(audience laughs) I don't know if you guys are doing--
I don't even know if I can prove I'm from the future.
I don't even think I could.
I think I would just get stuck.
'Cause they would want something,
like who's the next president?
Oh boy.
(audience laughs)
Abraham Lincoln, you guys
are gonna love him, he's really good.
They'd just think I'm from the past.
(audience laughs)
Then I'd have to get a regular job.
I would just have to like wait tables
or something, in the '20s.
I would go back in time
and do worse than I'm doing right now.
(audience laughs)