[keyboard typing noises]
I'm rather fond of edutainment games, largely because of my own memories,
and out of respect for their attempts to educate kids in new and effective ways.
But sometimes... SOMETIMES, I'll run across a so-called "edutainment game"
that's just so far OUT there, that I can't help but wonder if it even qualifies as one anymore.
In fact, I don't even feel comfortable keeping it in with my normal collection at all;
there are SOME games you just don't want out there in the open, in case somebody accidentally plays it,
gets hurt, and their destiny is forever altered.
Oh, I should be wearing gloves for this.
This is No. 11 Downing Street: The Adventures of Ninja Nanny and Sherrloch Sheltie.
...That's QUITE a title.
And quite a cover, too!
(VO) Truthfully, this cover is the best art of the entire program,
with the REST of it in the game making programmer art look like the Mona Lisa.
The back is even stranger, with nary a screenshot in sight, and bizarrely worded claims, like:
"It's educational!"
...dot dot dot, excalamation points,
which makes me think it's actually a sarcastic remark instead of a selling point.
Inside the box, you get more of the same, with an awkwardly-sized information sheet
that has the gall to compare itself to Tracy and Hepburn, and Rocky and Bullwinkle.
The only other things you get are the game on a boring-looking CD, a Windows installation guide,
and a registration card to put yourself in touch with its elusive developer, Silicon Alley.
I mean it, too; I can't find anything out about these guys.
So once you install No. 11 Downing Street,
you do NOT click "No. 11 Downing Street" in the Start Menu.
Nope; you click... "Begin Here".
That... makes sense.
It starts up well enough, with quite a fanfare.
"Silicon Alley! Turning knowledge into adventure!"
"To begin, click here."
"...once the music stops playing,"
"because... we paid a lot for this sound clip..."
"...it's just gonna keep goin'."
GONG.
[gong noise] GONG.
[gong noise]
Alright, let's click "Begin"!
[low-quality music starts playing]
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat.
Okayyyyyyyy...
[really loud, obnoxious music starts]
AAAUGH! [really loud, obnoxious music starts]
OHHH, WHAT *IS* THAT? [really loud, obnoxious music starts]
Alright, no big deal, somebody was just having a seizure while using MSPaint, and, like,
taking a sleep on a Roland synthesizer or something.
"In Episode One: No. 11 Downing Street!"
The door opens, aaaand you're greeted with...
this... card here.
"To explore, just point and click, adventuring along with Ninja Nanny and Sherrloch Sheltie,"
"learning clues as they do, and meeting a host of eccentric friends and enemies..."
So I... don't... exactly know what to do here, because, uh, there's a lot of icons,
that HALF of them make no sense -
what is THIS?
Wh- I can't-
What IS that?
Uhh, right, "Why would Europe's mastermind criminal, the truly evil Baron Von Moribund,"
"be fascinated by a humble, penniless nanny,"
"QUESTION MARKS?"
"How will Ninja Nanny & Sherrloch Sheltie evade the Baron's"
"inter...national... network... of operatives?"
"...including the ever resourceful Noel Khyro?"
I mean, I don't know. Are you going to tell me?...
I guess NOT!
"Scientific studies have shown that reading the DictioPedia NinjaNannica expands the brain."
"You will now see your brain after reading our humble academic effort."
[inhales]
Ohhhhhhkay.
Um...
Alright, I aaaaam...
finding... that there is something...
wrong, with this game...
[laughs]
[bemused] It's like a...
I don't know what I'm lookin' at!
Why- [cracks up]
Why is this a thing?
Now these other buttons over here just show you the scenes that you've already... uh... *seen*, so...
...let's NOT do that again.
Alright, time to exit this dustjacket and run Chapter One!
[Woman with posh voice] "Let's hurry up, and get to the story."
[LGR, with posh voice] "Okay."
Uh. [droning music plays]
[droning music plays]
Whooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-
-aaaaaaaat am I loooking at?
Aw, dude.
Aw, dude!
[laughs]
Du-u-ude! What am I-
[maniacal laughter]
[enthusiastic] Oh, this is great!
[jazzy music plays]
"Chapter One: Baghdad by the Bay."
That... is DEFINITELY San Francisco.
[sounds of distant explosions]
I don't know where this narrative is goin', but...
...I am so intrigued.
So... so this right here is the "meat" of the program...
game... religious experience - whatever... *this* is.
"Chapter One: BAGHDAD BY THE BAY. Directly above the surf,"
"Norbertina... ONEbeer?..."
"...stood on a cliff, wondering about what to do next."
"More than fourteen hours ago, she'd opened the latch-string of Rancho Bullinas' main-"
[groan] There are an awful lot of proper nouns in here, and it doesn't do a good job of telling you what they mean.
It's interesting writing, for... reasons that probably aren't good.
So, you have... these things to click on, every so often, called "hot words".
A lot of storybook-type games did this, back in the day, and, y'know, they still do.
However, when you do so in THIS game, we-e-ell...
[LGR w/ faux British accent] "Pardon my sloppy appearance,"
"but I'm still recovering from a wild night that started at-"
Ooooooooohhh...
"I am Emperor Norton the Thirty-Third, latest-" bleh-bluh-bleh...
What the HEEEEECK am I lookin' at?
So you can click on this, uh... "DictoPedia",
which is like... a dictionary/encyclopedia,
and it's got MORE hot words!
Largely consisting of...
really badly-scanned-in... like, stock art, or...
"Care to see the Sultan of Swat?"
I mean... that's just a silent clip of Babe Ruth...
Glad I watched THAT.
So I don't know what half of this stuff... means... for the story at all.
In fact, I don't think any of it is even RELATED, because the story has nothing to do with ANY of this stuff.
It's like they just tossed a bunch of things in here, and were like,
"Y'know what, we've... got all of these..."
"like, archival... things, and, and just... stock footage and pictures, and we- we've scanned it all in..."
[laughs] "Let's do SOMETHING with it!"
Because it mostly just is a complete distraction from whatever the main story is.
And I don't even KNOW what the main story is.
It just keeps throwing people and characters at you, that you have NO idea what's going on with them,
and you get more and more hot words, and eventually,
some of them will be interactive cartoon sequences,
and oh-ho-ho my.
[snoring noises that sound like a motor engine]
"Fresh oats..."
"Fresh oats..." "Fresh oats..."
"Fresh oats..."
"Fresh oats..." "Fresh oats..."
[cartoony "mystery" music]
[thunk]
[really loud drums played rapidly]
Holy crap, this is the best thing...
This is the WORST thing...
This is the thing... I have... DREAMED about all my life.
Aw-haw! Okay!
[British voice] "I always wondered what MY nanny thought of me."
"Shall we ask her? DARE we?" Yes, or no?
Well, I mean... yes! Because... that horse.
[Woman speaking, despondently] "He was a VILE BRAT!"
[a drum beat starts in the background] "WAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
"WAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!"
[the drum beat continues]
This is just going to keep getting BETTER, isn't it?
[whimsical music]
"Click on this text to see what the Golden Gate bridge would look like if it were held up by pillars instead!"
Ah, it looks like total crap!
[thunk]
"The Golden Gate Bridge: One hundred million pounds of steel!"
[saucy jazz music plays] "...plus one cow."
[saucy jazz music plays] Apparently, like, a STRIPPER cow, or... something,
I- I- I- WHAT in the-?!
"Would you like to know more about this famous bri-" I mean, sure, why not?
[dramatic music plays]
[dramatic music plays] Oh. Well it's... I-i-i- [laughs] It's just...
a CRAPLOAD of text! This is- [chuckles]
well y'know,
"Would you like to know, like, more, like, EVERYTHING else, about this bridge?"
"Well here it is - ALL of it -"
"and we've got this INCREDIBLE soundtrack for you to listen to."
I don't know what I expected.
[stifling laughter] This wasn't it.
[laughs]
[pained] ...Ohhhhh.
[really squeaky, muffled chatter of the crowd in the video]
[nasally] "Chapter Two: Milkshakes... for Sale."
Uhhhh... "Ultra Chocolate..."?
...what? I gotta see this.
[person in falsetto] "That's MY Ultra Chocolate Zombie!"
[small crash]
[gruff male] "Is not!"
[thump]
[falsetto] "Is so!"
[echoed footsteps]
[male] "Is! Not!"
[echoed stomp]
[falsetto] "IS! SO!"
[echoed stomp, louder]
[male] "I'll show YOU "is not"!"
[more echoed footsteps]
[LGR] ...what's happening?
[louder and louder echoed stomps]
[louder and louder echoed stomps] Wh-what? ...what's happening?
[louder and louder echoed stomps] ...uuuuuuhhhhhh...
[shaking noises]
[things land lightly on the floor]
[things land lightly on the floor] [rhythmic whooshing noises]
[rhythmic whooshing noises]
[donk]
...I think we're done here!
See, it's at this point that I... just stopped giving a crap about the story, [hesitant chuckle] because,
this, this stuff... really has nothing to do with... ANYTHING.
It's just a bunch of... scattered...ness, going on in-between...
OCCASIONAL bits of story, and...
...this other stuff is FAR more interesting!
I mean, I'm just clicking hot words left and right, here! I mean, look at this!
[pitch-bending synth]
"Falcon"! What could possibly be here?
Oh, it's just a picture of a guy, with a falcon.
NOPE!
[orchestral hits]
[LGR applauds]
[orchestral hits] [LGR applauds]
[LGR applauds]
[orchestral hits] [LGR applauds]
Alright so thi-this game... what IS this? What is it even TRYING to do?
Like, is it ACTUALLY being weird on purpose?
Is this an interactive storybook for KIDS, or is it...
...Monty Python meets Don Hertzfeldt and YouTube Poop
in a nightmare-fueled acid dream of... [unintelligible angrish]
[auctioneer speaks unintelligibly]
[auctioneer is suddenly echoing]
[bangs gavel]
This guy interrupting the auction, an-an-and goin' on about
I don't even know what, and these sound effects everywhere,
and there's a mouse, with a trenchcoat, and he's in a kitchen, and he goes away,
and the cheshire cat, and something about WHARF RATS -
he just keeps goin' on about wharf rats,
"Freelance Import/Export Management" at Wharf Rat Alley in London,
then something happens... at the Post Office, and there's a bunch of mooses...
[pained groan]
What is this pig thing?
It's kissing me...
...and now it's going to lunch with a priority MALE?
REALLY?
I've seen some really weird kid's stuff in my day.
A whole lot of bizarre TV shows and games, and...
But they're always full of weird trippiness like this... [stutters a bit] ...and that's fine!
For that matter, I've seen a lot of... uh, very adult things -
[stumbles] aforementioned Monty Python, they did THEIR games, they're about just as WEIRD -
but I EXPECT it in a Monty Python thing - I think that that... is their DEAL, like that's what they DO.
Uh, but this? [sardonic laughter] It's supposed to be...
EDUCATIONAL, right?
It says so, on the back of the box: "It's educational...!!!"
The only thing I'm being educated here is I have not done enough drugs to understand this.
And it goes from telling you a story,
and then some really bizarre, trippy animation, involving horses or cows or something,
and then you get this.
Like...
...just THIS.
What is it?
It's a guy!
In a car - but it's a UFO!
...and now it's on FIRE?
It makes youse watch this before you do anything else!
"Part Two: The Mystery Unfolds..."
OH REALLY? Just NOW it's unfolding? Because I'm pretty sure there's a LOT of mystery so far!
Y'know, I am SO SCARED to click on these dialogs now.
"Sure, I'm brave"? "Heck, no!"?
Y'know, this is like- that's like the summary of the whole game!
But y'know, this is actually pretty tame.
[cartoony footsteps]
[boing]
[falsetto] "Cow?" [boing]
[boing]
"Cow?" [boing]
[boing] "Did someone..."
[boing] "...mention a cow?!"
[shrill, echoing] "AWWWWWWWWWWK!"
[doink]
[high-pitched woman] "Do you think poor Norbertina should go to school here?"
[LGR] Yeah, this looks like a... a fine place... for Nobertina to go to school.
[shrill screeching] "YOU MUST BE"
[shrill screeching] "THE FOUR PM"
"APPOINTMENT!"
[bap] "APPOINTMENT!"
"COME HERE"
[bap] "COME HERE"
"THIS INSTANT!"
[weird percussion] "THIS INSTANT!"
[echoing] "THIS INSTANT!"
I mean, hey, the ostrich talks in WordArt, at... a very strange angle-
what is this background?
Now there's a naked hippo!
[through gritted teeth] It's takin' a bath!
It asks me if I think it can dance, and if then I- i-i-
if I say "No", it does; and if I say "Yes", it won't!
It is like, turning me into Christopher Walken!
And bizarrely enough, at this point,
other than some more crap that it throws at you that makes no damn sense,
it just... ends!
It doesn't even turn NANNY into a NINJA!
[laughing] And we STILL haven't seen Sherrloch Sheltie do ANYTHING!
Like it TALKS about him, he makes a vocal appearance... but that's IT!
And it's just like "hey, guess what? There's gonna be a second part!"
"Would you like to see a preview of it?", and...
And THAT... looks like just as trippy and frickin' messed up as the REST of this, and I don't understand it.
I-it just starts asking more questions like it did at the very beginning
about "How is she gonna turn into a friggin' ninja?"
It would be nice if you TOLD me, in maybe the FIRST part of the game!
Y'know, the game CALLED "Ninja Nanny"!
The one that I PAID for, it still makes no freakin' sense... [muffled sobbing]
[chirping]
I'm sorry, I- I just- I HAD to get out of there;
away from ANY computer, so I could stop LOOKING at this.
Because, y'know, once you've... booted it up, you can't really look AWAY!
It's... beautiful! It's atrocious!
It's the worst thing I've ever played! It's the most BRILLIANT thing I've ever played!
It's not even a game; it sort of just transcends EVERYTHING that I've ever known about anything ever.
And yet, I HATE it, and I love it.
There's some sort of bizarre Stockholm Syndrome...
I feel...
[rattles box]
I feel ashamed.
Well anyway, that is No. 11 Downing Street!
The game with NOT-Ninja Nanny!
[attempts to start a sentence]
I... I don't even know, anymore!
(VO) And if you enjoyed this video, then perhaps you would like to check out some of my others!
I've got a WHOLE bunch more that I've made in the past; a couple other linked to, right here,
and more are always coming in the future,
every Monday and Friday here on LGR, so subscribe if you'd like.
Or, you can also just do Twitter and Facebook, to keep up socially,
and Patreon, if you would like to see episodes early, and support the show and such.
And as always,
[distorted and echoing] thank you very much for watching!