- Hey, it's me again.
I'm gonna tell you a story about words.
(upbeat music)
So, I had a client who'd been sectioned in a mental hospital
for a while, she had a breakdown,
she'd had a very difficult childhood.
And then she came to see me,
and she just had to go as an outpatient
to this group once a week,
and she was telling me, I said, "Well what do you do there?"
She said, "Well, we just have to sit in a circle and talk,
"and we have to start by saying something nice,
"so I usually say,
"'Oh, I saw daffodils on the way here today,'
"or 'I petted a dog,'
"or 'my cat sat on my lap before I left
"'and now I feel happy.'"
I'm like, "Well, that's kinda nice,
"but I want you to do better than that,
"I want you to, every time you have to say something nice,
"I want you to go, 'I have phenomenal coping skills,'
"'cause it's all about coping,
"you've been in a mental hospital, that's okay,
"and now you're coping,
"so I want you to forget about daffodils,
"and butterflies, and puppies, and kittens,
"lovely as they are, and I want you to say,
"'I have phenomenal coping skills'
"every week in that group,
"'cause if you keep saying it, it becomes true."
'Cause of course, when someone is sectioned,
they have no coping skills,
they're like, "I can't cope with traffic, and I can't cope,"
and she said that when she was little
her mother's words were, "I can't cope."
Her mother couldn't cope
with her opening a packet of potato chips,
the rustling would drive her crazy,
the mother couldn't cope with sound, or light, or noise,
and she brought up this poor little girl to believe that,
"Oh, I can't cope.
"Oh, that noise is gonna drive me crazy.
"That light's gonna give me a headache.
"That smell's gonna give me a migraine,"
and the mother had no coping skills,
and of course this poor little girl grew up believing
that life was not something to be coped with at all,
and her mother never went to a store or a supermarket,
because she couldn't cope,
she never went shopping in a department store
because she couldn't cope.
She very rarely went out,
'cause she couldn't cope with traffic,
she couldn't cope with heat,
and she couldn't cope with cold.
No wonder this poor girl's been in a mental home.
I'm gonna change that for her.
So I made her say it all the time,
"I have phenomenal coping skills."
And sometimes she'd say,
"I have extraordinary coping skills,"
or, "I have outstanding coping skills,"
"I have exceptional coping skills."
After a few weeks, one of the nurses said,
"D'you know, would you mind
"if some of the other patients said that too?
"'Cause they really like it when you say that,
"it changes the energy in the room."
She went, "Well, I don't own it, of course I don't mind."
So other patients began to say,
"I have incredible coping skills,"
and then the hospital decided
that they would write it on the walls,
so they made posters and they stuck it around the walls
in this one particular ward,
and then they noticed
that they had the fastest turnaround rate
with their clients,
that these people who felt they couldn't cope,
and couldn't cope with anything,
just saying that, you see, what were they saying?
Let's break it down again,
they were telling the mind something specific,
"I have phenomenal coping skills,
"bring it on, I can cope."
That's what they were saying to the mind,
that was the dialogue and the collaboration with the mind,
"I have incredible coping skills,
"whatever you throw at me, it's good, and I will cope,
"because I have phenomenal coping skills."
What were the pictures in the words in their head?
Well a picture of somebody coping
with anything incredibly well,
phenomenally well, actually, that was the picture,
that was the words,
and what was familiar?
"I can cope.
"Bad traffic, difficult person,
"irritable parent, or kid, or bad day, it's okay,
"'cause I have extraordinary coping skills."
And what became unfamiliar?
"Unable to cope."
That just all stopped.
And so, that hospital, to this day, still uses that,
they still get people to say that,
they still use those posters,
and the girl who was in a mental hospital is now,
weirdly enough, or not, she's a mental health nurse,
and she helps people cope,
because that's an example,
so I want you to think of a word you could use.
"I've got a wonderful personality,
"I've got a fantastic memory,
"Everything comes to me,
"I'm great at time management,
"I get things done."
It doesn't really matter what it is,
but I want you to think of some words you can say.
"I look after my body extraordinarily well."
You see I don't use wishy-washy words,
"I'm fine, I'm okay, I'm not bad, I'm quite good."
I like, "Phenomenal, extraordinary, outstanding,
"incredible, powerful."
"I have a phenomenal memory,
"I have incredible coping skills,
"I'm an outstanding parent,
"I'm an amazing, phenomenal, extraordinary friend,
"and my friends are amazing, and phenomenal,
"and extraordinary," 'cause I know
that those words excite my mind, and they're so descriptive
that the mind knows what I'm saying.
If I say, "Oh my God, what a nightmare last weekend was,
"it was hell, it was a disaster,"
I'm probably talking about some party I went to
that was boring,
but I've elevated it so much by using those words.
And then if I say,
"But you know, the next day I went to lunch
"and that was quite nice,"
I've made something good minimal,
and made something bad, I've elevated it,
so here's a handy hint for you.
When something isn't great, like a challenge,
or you go to a film and it's not good,
just go, "Yeah, it was a little disappointing,
"wasn't quite what I expected,"
go, "Oh my God, it was awful,
"I was bored out of my mind,
"I wasted three hours,
"it was hell sitting through that play,
"I felt I was gonna die of boredom,"
just go, "Yeah, it wasn't a good use of my time,
"but it's only three hours, it was fine."
So you gotta learn to minimise the negative
and accentuate the positive,
so when something is good you can go,
"Oh, it was amazing, it was incredible,
"I was phenomenal."
You can even use swear words.
I'm gonna say fricking,
"That was fricking amazing,
"That was fricking fun,
"That was freaking awesome,"
'cause even the words you put in front of words,
so people go, "Oh, I've got this headache,
"it's killing me, I'm dying of pain,
"oh I've got this excruciating stomach ache, I'm in agony,"
none of that is true.
"I have a headache, it's a little annoying, but it'll go.
"I've got this niggly pain, but I can deal with it,
"because I've got stuff to do."
You see how we get to choose again and again,
we have a choice,
you can go, "I'm in agony, my head is killing me,"
which is not true,
or you can go, "I got a headache, it's slightly annoying,
"but I'm gonna take some pain meds,
"and in 20 minutes I'll be fine,
"or maybe I need to drink some water,
"I'm just gonna take some time,
"'cause I do have a headache,"
but don't call it an agonising, crippling, killing headache,
don't say, "Oh my stomach, I'm dying of pain,
"I'm dying with the flu,
"this cold is killing me."
Don't do that, minimise that stuff,
"it's slight, it's mild, it's niggling,
"it's mildly discomforting,"
and then, when something is good,
then you use words,
"This is incredible, this is amazing,
"this is phenomenal, this is outstanding,"
then you use the good words
and you can use swear words,
you can put words in,
"This is completely amazing, this is utterly at,
"and this is totally awesome,"
you get the picture, don't you?
Good words, in front of a good thing, make it better,
and minimal words in front of a bad thing minimise it,
but don't say,
"Oh my God, this headache, it's the headache from hell,
"this is the client from hell,
"this is a nightmare,"
don't do that, you have a choice,
remember you have a brilliant brain, here's your choice,
rationalise why it's all going wrong,
talk yourself out of it,
that's all you have to do.
See you soon,
thanks for listening.
(soothing music)