Hi guys, Geoffrey here in this video.
I want to show you the root cause behind every single relationship issue and
why people get divorces. Why people break up, why relationships end.
And I want to show you also here how your situation,
your case is never unique.
No one's case is unique and be sure to stick around to the very end this video,
because I really want you to understand this.
I get a lot of comments from people saying like, what if this is the case?
What if this is my case? What if, what if, what if it doesn't matter?
What if whatever you're facing right now, no matter how dire you think it is.
If you fix this one root, it will fix everything in your relationships.
I want to show you what that one route is,
and I want you to understand a next path forward for yourself.
And in case you new to the channel,
my name is Geoffrey and I help men in long-term relationships or in marriages
with the right skills and knowledge to become this irreplaceable version of
themselves that will really attract your partner.
So if you want more content on this topic,
be sure to subscribe to the channel and also click that bell button as well,
to be notified when I post new videos every single week.
And before I begin this video also want to let you know that the master class on
the five proven steps to rebuilding your relationship and they're grinding up is
still open. So if you want to join that masterclass,
feel free to stick around to the very end this video for the announcement and
how you can join that masterclass.
And I want to start here with the notion that your problems itself
don't really cause the relationships or marriages to break down.
So people often say for example,
that it's communication issues and arguments that makes relationships break
down. I'm saying to you, there's something deeper. Uh,
people always think about logistical or a difference of opinions and the major
issues in life like about children, about finances. For example,
that causes a breakdown.
It could be that they're facing some very intense intimacy or the lack
of intimacy issues or the lack of attraction issues.
It could be that people say, oh, we're just too different.
We're just not meant for each other. We're just going in separate ways.
Or it could be, this is a controversial one,
some issue with affairs or infidelity. But again,
I'm saying that it's not these problems that are the issues,
but it's really the hopeless catch 22 that makes it extremely hopeless. Well,
again, one is this whole discussion,
any two that we feel it's when we're in a position,
in a relationship where we don't have enough of the secret ingredient,
that is emotional safety. And we talk about this a lot in our MasterCard,
in my other videos. So I'm not going to belabor this point too much,
but if you lack emotional safety,
then you are in a position where yes,
you do have the problems and the problems are annoying. They're frustrating,
they're bad,
but that's not what causes the both of you to want divorce to want to give up.
But it's the fact that we have this problems and we can't even talk about it.
We can't even discuss it because whenever we discuss it, bad things happen.
Either we get blamed. Either we get dismissed,
either cost a Raul and a fight.
Either it causes us to walk away even more and it just causes more
conflicts. Whenever we bring up these problems.
And if we can't even bring up the problems, we can't even resolve them.
So you get yourself in this very difficult question to position where you will
lose if you don't share, because nothing gets resolved.
If you don't even make the other person know about the problem,
but you also lose. If you share, if you share bad things happen. So again,
the problems itself never makes us helpless.
It's this catch 22 that makes us really,
really hopeless that makes us want to walk away, right?
If you have a problem without discussion to where you can talk about the problem
where you can discuss it, you can resolve it. You can get understood on it,
et cetera, the problems don't become problems.
The problems only become hopeless when you can't even talk about it,
let alone resolve it.
And it's a thought in our head here that things either cannot or will not change
in the future. So again, no matter how you cut it,
every single problem that you have in your relationship is caused by this catch
22. So again, without safety problems become threats, whenever problems come up,
we dread it because we can't even talk about it.
We kind of resolve it and we kind of feel understood on it. It's just a problem.
Now it's an inconvenience. But for a lot of my clients,
relationships in my relationship as well,
problems with safety become opportunities. And to go deeper here,
I want to show you what happens to your relationship when you do have safety,
when you have safety created. So first of all,
you don't have any more cushiony too, and the promise become good things.
So for our relationship, for example, you know, whenever we have issues come up,
um, are there issues that are created by life outside or me or my
partner? It becomes an opportunity where we can as a team,
try to solve the problems together. So instead of me versus my partner,
it's me and my partner versus the problem.
Now it becomes like a very nice bonding experience for us.
And it becomes continuously a proof of our fit
together, a proof that we are meant to be together. And for a lot of my clients,
they feel the same way where even if their partner had an affair,
they can still create such deep emotional safety to where they can actually talk
about the affair. They can actually talk about the feelings. They feel,
talk about the real issues in the relationship that even caused the affair in
the first place. And now it becomes basically, Hey,
let's establish a culture where it's me and you versus this problem of
distress versus this problem of the lack of safety.
There's this problem of the affair instead of you versus your partner.
So I hope that makes sense to you.
I know this is a very controversial thing to say and a very difficult thing for
people to understand, but I need to understand here,
no matter what the problems are, right, if you have safety,
it becomes you and your partner versus the problems versus
you versus your partner. And that changing paradigm,
that change in culture, that change in the way you operate in a relationship,
changes everything, because now it doesn't matter what the problems are.
Another example of this is when people say, for example, uh,
my wife is having a midlife crisis.
My wife is depressed and she wants some space. Well, the truth is, again,
it's not that your wife wants space and it's not the depression and the midlife
crisis,
but the fact that she doesn't want to share the midlife crisis and depression
with you. So again,
she feels like it's you versus her and this depression.
But if you understand how to create safety,
it's you and your partner versus her depression versus her midlife crisis.
So again,
without safety promise become threats because it's a competition with safety
problems become opportunities because your team and problems just make
you a deeper team. Just like, you know,
sometimes we formed the strongest bonds with people.
When we go through a really difficult problem together, as a case,
it's you and this person versus the problem. It's not a competition anymore.
It creates also a sense of freedom and liberation as well. So you know,
that feeling you get when you come home from work after a long day.
And the first thing you want to do is just to strip off your clothes,
your pants,
go in your undies and just start around in your undies or even naked sometimes,
right? Physically, that feels very liberating to do that. Now,
when you create emotional safety in the relationship,
the sense of teams Manship, then you're also creating the same sense.
But in this case, emotionally, not just physically, it's a very,
very freeing and liberating experience to being a place of safety in a
relationship. And number three, it's,
you'll find that when you create the safety,
your partners and your own defensive behaviors,
the toxic behaviors that are bred out of self-preservation out of,
out of competition, out of panic, out of fear will go away as well.
Things like stonewalling, gaslighting will drastically go away.
Number four is you will become a better doctor in your marriage.
So imagine if you're a doctor here and your job here is to diagnose the patients
accurately and give them a good remedy. Now, what if the patient says,
I don't feel safe expressing this to you, dog.
That should be a major concern because then you cannot make the accurate
diagnosis. If the person doesn't want to tell you everything.
So if you create emotional safety, you're becoming a better doctor.
And you'll avoid this instances where you get blindsided by your parent,
wanting to divorce, putting separation,
because you will have a very accurate pulse on your relationship every single
time. And when you can create good diagnosis,
you can also create good treatments. But the reason why a lot of people,
again are blindsided often in their partner, one in divorce, et cetera,
is that they lost emotional safety and they can never become a good doctor in
the relationship. And they don't know what's going on in the first place.
Number five is that conversations also become very efficient and very effective.
When you have safety and you have this culture where it's you and your partner
versus something else, something outside,
then you will not talk with any self-preservation.
You will not talk out a fear.
You will not talk out of defensiveness and all this politics in a
conversation just goes away.
It now becomes this bigger picture of your relationship that really matters.
And that's a very, very different place to be in.
And it all starts with emotional safety again. So you mind me asking right now,
if emotional safety is so crucial, it's so important and we all need it,
then why don't more people talk about it and why don't more people build it?
Well,
there's really three challenges with creating emotional safety and why
so many people struggle to create emotional safety.
The first is that it's either destroyed and created in the very
subtle things you do. Let's say that you have a talk with your partner, right?
And you give her some really bad news, really difficult news, some tough truth.
She could be using her words to tell you everything's going to be okay,
but you can sense that she was really bothered by this,
that everything was not going to be okay, that this,
this comes with strings attached. And this might bite you in the later.
And this signal she's giving could be from her tone.
It could be from our micro-expressions the overall vibe that is unexplainable to
you, the subtle things that are happening,
the subtle things that are intangible,
that are beneath the level of consciousness,
that cell micro expression microtones actually determine whether you feel safe
or not more than the where she says,
because we all know here that the obvious things that people do can be easily
faked,
but sometimes the subtle things that people do are what really tells the
full story. So we can be blatantly trying to create safety, but again,
we either create or destroy safety,
not too obvious things we do with the subtle things we do and the subtle things,
the hard part about them is that it goes beyond just knowing scripts and lines
here and there.
It needs to be a much deeper change for you to be able to create those subtle
changes.
And a lot of people are either not aware or do not want to do the work to
actually create the subtle, deeper changes. And so,
even though they're getting the obvious things, right,
the subtle things are always going to be killing safety in the relationship.
And the worst part is that as you're killing the safety in a very subconscious
way, you will never know about it because the very principle,
the very nature of the lack of safety is that your partner will never tell you
about the lack of safety, because there is a lack of safety.
So this is also why most people never really catch how much lack
of safety they have,
or never really realized how much lack of safety they have until I tell them
until they joined the program and they realize, oh crap,
I'm missing a lot more safety than I thought.
And if you can never realize how much safety you're destroying and all the
subtle things you're doing to destroy safety, then you can never really fix it.
You can't fix something you're not aware of.
And the third reason why it's so hard to create safety here is because it's
built or destroyed through paradoxes.
There's a lot of paradoxes here that is really difficult for our minds to wrap
around. But if you want to understand how to create safety,
we have to wrap our minds around this properly. For example,
we talk about the paradox of logic and we use the example of,
let's say your partner tells you that you controlling.
And the first instinct you want to have is to tell your partner why she
misunderstood perhaps, and why you're not controlling,
or maybe you want to prove to your partner here that you're not controlling.
So you would tell her all the reasons why you're not controlling or how you will
change into someone who is not controlling,
how you have changed in someone who's not controlling.
But the paradox you to see here is that you are trying to control your partner
into believing that you're not controlling.
Unless we point out this paradox to you explicitly,
a lot of people can play out this paradoxical cycle of being controlling without
even knowing they're being controlling.
And we also talked about the paradox of change as well in a lot of our videos
where we say,
basically your real changes will really show itself only in moments when it's
hard, when it's difficult, when it's impossible to fake.
When your partner stonewalls you, when your partner tells you,
there's no hope when your partner tells you to stop trying for example.
And so a lot of people take this the wrong way and they start to give up when
things are really difficult, they tell themselves for example, oh,
things are really tough. Now that's why I'm giving up.
But the people who understand the paradox of change really understand that when
things are really difficult,
that's when their true changes begin to really show because the things they do,
then those are the things that are really impossible to fake.
So when people realize this paradigm change,
they realize that the moments that are hardest is when I need to double down in
the correct ways, of course not just peppering your partner right.
And knowing her, but you want to double down in the correct ways.
And so this is also why most can't create emotional safety with
just a minimal understanding about it. And it's also why,
if you listen to a lot of my clients stories as well,
you will also hear them talking about the fact that I thought I could do it with
just a YouTube videos, but it goes much deeper than that.
And until I understood the depth of it, I understood all the puzzle pieces.
Can I actually create some change and create emotional safety?
And the reason why we say that is because this,
all these paradoxes and it's something that can not be just explained in just a
YouTube video. It requires an explanation with more complexity with more time,
et cetera. But no matter what,
if you want to create safety first it's of course you need to master how to
dance in conversations, knowing what to do, what to say.
But the difference here is that for a lot of people,
this is the only thing they care about. But for you,
I want you to understand that this is only less than 5% of what it really takes
to change in a proper way to create emotional safety underneath that.
You have to interpret the world from a very different paradigm,
from a much healthier for paradigm. So for example, for a lot of people,
they have this paradigm,
this way of thinking that stonewalling is bad and it's toxic,
and it could be seen as abusive. If you have this paradigm,
then whenever your partner stonewalls, you, you're naturally going to get upset.
You're naturally going to do things that actually destroy more safety.
But for us, whenever we get stonewalling,
we see that as a general expression from your primary in itself,
the same way when you Stonewall,
it's often not because you have a bad character.
Trait is usually because you either do not trust the person you're about to
share with you.
Don't have the ability to share the complex thing you're facing. I mean,
there's so many other reasons of why you Samba.
And so when your partner stonewalls, she's telling you that she's telling you,
maybe she doesn't trust you,
maybe she doesn't feel like it's going to do any good.
Maybe she feels like the problem is so complex that she doesn't even know how to
express it to you right now. And so whenever my clients get stonewalled,
they say, Hey, I understand it could be really complex.
I understand that it could be very difficult to,
to express something very deep and something very dark to me
given how I've acted in the past. You know,
I just want you to know that this right here, you shutting down.
It's actually a good thing for me to know. It's an honest expression.
So I want to thank you for that. So right here,
you're turning something from negative to positive,
and you're able to plant seeds of safety here,
simply because you change your paradigm in how you view certain events in
relationships. Number three is you have to make sure that again,
the changes are, identity-based not just behavioral based here.
We really want you to embrace your changes because you are not
embrace her changes because you want to have,
and this is what we call identity shifting in our program in our master
masterclass. And this is key to you being consistent,
this key to you being genuine because you do things because you want to
do it. Not because you want to have something out of it,
and this will change your subtle micro-expressions microtones in such a massive
degree to where everything you do will seem a lot more powerful,
a lot more genuine as well.
And the fourth thing you need to focus on is really a growing self-esteem and
understanding that the root of all toxic behaviors in relationships is due to a
lack of self-esteem. And I'm not going to go too much into what self-esteem is,
because I've talked about it in another video before, but here,
if you get self esteem, you get to this place of wanting and not needing.
So a lot of people ask me, for example, well,
if I'm creating emotional safety for my partner, then what about the safety?
She's green from me? Well, if you actually grow your self esteem,
if you actually grow your mindsets and your frameworks,
you will find that you don't need safety from your partner,
that you still want safety, but you don't need it.
And so you're sourcing the safety that you need from your own self.
And when you can source it from your own self,
you can now focus on creating safety for other people without getting something
in return. And that comes from a much more powerful place.
Where if you look at any leaders to be a good leader,
you can not need a leader. Can never say for example, well,
what about the thing that my employees are giving me right?
Once they think that they don't become a good leader,
but good leaders are there thinking, how can I help my employees?
How can I help provide safety, provide, um,
the tools that my employees need to thrive.
And so if you are coming from this place of need,
because you don't ha you haven't grown yourself esteem,
then you can never come from the place of leadership.
But if you understand how to source everything from within,
we don't need something from your partner anymore, you are there ready to give.
And when you can give, when you can change your own behavior,
you'd be very surprised at how much your partner's behavior changes as well.
Now, again, I cannot go too deep into this four layers to changes right now. Um,
but we do talk about this in depth in our master toss.
And so if you want to see just how impactful it is when you can
master this four layers of changes,
I want you to look at my client stories who have probably started out in worse
or more dire situations than you are right now,
and who have experienced messaged success despite being in very dire situations.
So look at their stories.
And if you want to understand these four layers of processes a lot better,
and you can join me in my master,
talks into five proven steps to rebuilding your relationship from the ground up
in that masterclass,
I'll show you the exact process that all my clients have used to really gain
massive success. Despite being in very bad situations.
And at the end of the masterclass,
you can also submit your application for the relationships revival program.
So you can do that then as well. So you want to join that masterclass,
be sure to click the link above my head,
or also down below in the comments below or in the description box below this
video as well.
And if you want to download a guide where you can learn more of these frameworks
about how to conduct better conversations in your relationship,
you can also download the guide to have you above my head as well,
or down below this video.
And if you want to join a community where you can post your questions and have a
member of my team, answer those questions for you.
You can also join me in my free Facebook group down below this video.
And finally, if you found this video valuable and helpful, give it a, like,
it really helps channel out and also subscribe to this channel for more content
like this one as well. And if you have a comment or a question,
feel free to leave a comment below. I would love to hear from you. And finally,
I'm going to leave you with this two other videos with more skills and knowledge
for you to become an irreplaceable person that can attract your partner by
herself. So if you want that watch two videos for now,
I will see you in the next video.