>> Stephen: WELCOME.
WELCOME, ONE AND ALL TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
ONE MORE TIME.
WELL, FOLKS, IT'S OUR LAST SHOW OF 2020, AND HOPEFULLY IT'S OUR
LAST 2020, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN-- AND I'M NOT SURE I DO.
TONIGHT, WE'RE GOING TO REVISIT THE YEAR THAT WAS-- AND, BOY,
WAS IT-- IN A SPECIAL REPORT >> "2020: THE YEAR THAT TOOK
YEARS.
WHAT A CLUSTER-FOND LOOK BACK."
>> Stephen: 2020 BROUGHT US SO MUCH: THE CLUMSIEST COUP IN
HISTORY, THE GLOBAL PANDEMIC, COMMERCIALS FROM DOMINOE'S
SAYING THEIR PIZZAS WOULD NOW GO RIGHT FROM THE OVEN INTO THE BOX
WITHOUT ANYONE TOUCHING IT, WHICH REALLY RAISED A LOT OF
QUESTIONS ABOUT HOW THAT ALL WORKED BEFORE.
2020 WAS SO BAD, THE TOP ARTIST ON SPOTIFY WAS A MAN SCREAMING
INTO A PILLOW.
HERE'S A STORY YOU MIGHT HAVE FORGOTTEN: THE PRESIDENT WAS
IMPEACHED.
I'LL RECAP IT IN MY BACK-FOR-A-LIMITED-TIME-ONLY
SEGMENT, "DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH."
>> UH-OH.
>> Stephen: THE SAGA OF THE PRESIDENT'S IMPEACHMENT BEGINS
WITH... WELL, HOW WOULD YOU PUT IT?
>> A PERFECT PHONE CALL.
>> Stephen: YES, OUR PRESIDENT WAS TALKING WITH THE
NEWLY-ELECTED PRESIDENT OF UKRAINE, WHO ASKED FOR MILITARY
ASSISTANCE, AND OUR COMMANDER IN CHIEF RESPONDED,
"I WOULD LIKE YOU TO DO US A FAVOR, THOUGH," WORDS THAT WILL
GO DOWN IN HISTORY AS BEING JUST FINE, FOR SOME REASON.
THERE WAS ONE THING LACKING FROM THE PRESIDENT'S IMPEACHMENT
TRIAL: A TRIAL, BECAUSE THE SENATE VOTED 51-49 NOT TO HEAR
WITNESSES.
IT'S LIKE THE OLD SAYING, "IF A TREE FALLS IN THE FOREST AND NO
ONE'S AROUND TO HEAR IT, YOU CAN'T PROVE THE TREE BLACKMAILED
UKRAINE FOR DIRT ON ITS POLITICAL OPPONENT."
I MEAN, THAT WOULD BE COMMITTING TREE-SON.
♪ "GROOVE IS IN THE HEART" ♪ >> THAT SLAM GOT WOOD!
>> Stephen: WITHOUT WITNESSES OR EVIDENCE, ON FEBRUARY 5, THE
SENATE ACQUITTED THE PRESIDENT OF THE IMPEACHMENT CHARGES.
AND WITH THE IMPEACHMENT BEHIND HIM, THE PRESIDENT FINALLY HAD
TIME TO FOCUS ON IGNORING THE CORONAVIRUS.
FOR WEEKS, HE SAID IT WAS GOING TO DISAPPEAR LIKE A MIRACLE.
TURNS OUT, IT WAS THE ECONOMY, BECAUSE BY MARCH 16, THE WHOLE
COUNTRY WAS SHUT DOWN.
I THINK WE'LL ALL REMEMBER WHERE WE WERE THAT DAY, AND EVERY DAY
SINCE.
IN THE FIRST WEEKS OF THE LOCKDOWN, NETFLIX'S "TIGER KING"
POUNCED ON AMERICA'S HEARTS LIKE A CLINICALLY DEPRESSED JUNGLE
CAT.
IT WAS A GRIPPING DOCUMENTARY SERIES ABOUT HOW JOE EXOTIC AND
HIS ARCHNEMESIS, CAROLE BASKIN, SHOULD MAYBE CONSIDER SWITCHING
TO THE SEARS PORTRAIT STUDIO.
NOW, WHILE THE PRESIDENT SHFN USING HIS PLATFORM TO TELL
AMERICANS TO WEAR MASKS HE INSTEAD GAVE THEM SLIGHTLY LESS
EFFECTIVE TIPS LIKE THIS.
>> IS THERE A WAY WE CAN DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT, LIKE
INJECTIONED IN, OR ALMOST A CLEANING.
>> Stephen: AH, YES, "DRINK BLEACH" DAY.
AND IF YOU HAD FORGOTTEN THAT HAPPENED, IT COULD BE BECAUSE
YOU FOLLOWED HIS ADVICE.
IN THE MIDDLE OF DEALING WITH COVID, ANOTHER CRISIS ROCKED
AMERICA: EVEN MORE SHOCKING EXAMPLES OF POLICE KILLING
INNOCENT AND UNARMED BLACK PEOPLE, INCLUDING GEORGE FLOYD
IN MINNEAPOLIS.
THE CELL PHONE VIDEO OF THAT INCIDENT ENRAGED AMERICA AND LED
TO MARCHES EVERY DAY AND NIGHT ACROSS THE COUNTRY, IN BIG
CITIES AND SMALL TOWNS.
IN FACT, PEOPLE PROTESTED IN EVERY STATE AND IN
WASHINGTON, D.C.
IT WAS INSPIRING TO SEE AMERICANS IN 2020 COMING
TOGETHER AND USING THEIR COLLECTIVE VOICE FOR A CAUSE
SLIGHTLY MORE IMPORTANT THAN "I WANT A HAIRCUT."
THE DEMONSTRATIONS GREW OVER THE SUMMER AND INCLUDED PEOPLE FROM
EVERY RACE AND ETHNICITY.
IN FACT, BLACK LIVES MATTER MAY BE THE LARGEST MOVEMENT IN U.S.
HISTORY.
AND THAT INCLUDES THE VIETNAM PROTESTS, THE MILLION MAN MARCH,
AND THE 1980's SOCIAL MOVEMENT DEMANDING THE LOCATION OF THE
BEEF.
THE PROTESTS WERE OVERWHELMINGLY PEACEFUL, INCLUDING ONE IN FRONT
OF THE WHITE HOUSE ON JUNE 1.
THEIR PEACEFULNESS DID NOT STOP THE PRESIDENT FROM USING FEDERAL
TROOPS TO ASSAULT PROTESTERS WITH FLASH-BANG EXPLOSIONS AND
TEAR GAS SO HE COULD CROSS THE STREET FOR A PHOTO OP, HOLDING
THE BIBLE AWKWARD LEES.
FOR AS JESUS SAID, "IF SOMEONE STRIKES YOU ON THE RIGHT CHEEK,
TURN TO HIM THE OTHER ONE, ALSO.
BUT IF SOMEONE COMES BETWEEN YOU AND A PHOTO OP, DADDY GONNA POP
OPEN A CAN OF WHOOP ASS!" NO GROUP WAS MORE SUPPORTIVE OF
THE BLACK LIVES MATTER MOVEMENT THAN N.B.A. PLAYERS, BUT BECAUSE
OF COVID, HALFWAY THROUGH THEIR SEASON, THEY ALL WENT INTO THE
N.B.A. BUBBLE IN ORLANDO.
IT WAS EQUAL PARTS FIERCE COMPETITION AND DISNEY
SLEEPOVER.
NOW, THIS BUBBLE HAD VERY STRINGENT PROTOCOLS.
PLAYERS WERE ADVISED NOT TO SPIT OR CLEAR THEIR NOSES, WIPE THE
BALL WITH THEIR JERSEYS, LICK THEIR HANDS, OR TOUCH THEIR
MOUTHS UNNECESSARILY WHILE PLAYING.
THAT, OF COURSE, CUT DOWN ON THE TIME-HONORED DEFENSIVE TACTIC OF
WET WILLY.
BUT ENOUGH BAD NEWS ABOUT THE GLOBAL PANDEMIC.
THERE WAS ALSO BAD NEWS ABOUT THE WEATHER.
IT WAS ONE OF THE MOST ACTIVE HURRICANE SEASONS ON RECORD.
IN FACT, THE NATIONAL HURRICANE CENTER RAN OUT OF ASSIGNED NAMES
IN THE MIDDLE OF SEPTEMBER AND HAD TO RESORT TO USING GREEK
LETTERS.
THEN THEY STARTED RUNNING OUT OF GREEK LETTERS AND HAD TO RESORT
TO HURRICANE WINGDINGS.
OH, THERE WAS ALSO AN ELECTION.
THE DEMOCRATIC PRIMARIES WERE A CLOWN CAR OF COMPETENCE WITH 28
CANDIDATES.
HELLO, HI.
NICE TO SEE YOU ALL AGAIN.
YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE CANDIDATE NUMBER 29.
"I'M SORRY, YOU DIDN'T MAKE THE TOP TIER, CONGRESSMAN, BUT YOU
JUST DON'T HAVE THAT HICKENLOOPER SIZZLE."
ULTIMATELY-- $500 MILLION.
IN A TIME OF CRISIS, DEMOCRATS FELL BACK ON THEIR SAFETY
SCHOOL: OLD WHITE GUY U.
GO, STATUS QUOS!
BECAUSE OF THE PANDEMIC, BIDEN SPENT MOST OF THE GENERAL
ELECTION ZOOMING FROM HIS BASEMENT.
IT'S THE MOST SUCCESSFUL CAMPAIGN FROM A BASEMENT SINCE
THE PRESIDENCY OF ULYSSES S.
LAUNDRY BASKET.
ALTERNATIVELY, THE PRESIDENT REFUSED TO WEAR A MASK FOR
MONTHS AND INSISTED ON HOLDING MASS, PLAGUE-SPREADING RALLIES.
THOUGH, THEY DID RAISE A LOT OF CAMPAIGN CASH WITH THEIR EBOLA
MONKEY KISSING BOOTH.
THE 74-YEAR-OLD PRESIDENT TRIED TO MAKE THE RACE AGAINST HIS
THEN-77-YEAR-OLD OPPONENT ALL ABOUT MENTAL FITNESS.
SO, IN AN INTERVIEW ABOUT A RECENT COGNITIVE TEST, HE
UNVEILED THE CATCHPHRASE OF THE YEAR:
>> THE FIRST QUESTIONS ARE VERY EASY.
THE LAST QUESTIONS ARE MUCH MORE DIFFICULT.
LIKE A MEMORY QUESTION, IT IS LIKE, YOU WILL GO "PERSON,
WOMAN, MAN, CAMERA, TV."
SO, THEY WOULD SAY, "COULD YOU REPEAT THAT?"
SO, I SAID, "YEAH."
IT'S "PERSON, WOMAN, MAN, CAMERA, TV."
>> Stephen: PRETTY IMPRESSIVE THAT HE REMEMBERED THOSE WORDS
WHEN HE KEEPS FORGETTING HE LOST THE ELECTION.
THE DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION WAS DONE ENTIRELY BY
ZOOM, WHILE THE REPUBLICAN CONVENTION WAS WHAT CAN ONLY BE
DESCRIBED AS THE WORLD'S WORST OPEN MIC.
WITH REPUBLICAN CELEBRITIES LIKE GUY WHO WANTS TO SELL YOU A
PILLOW, GUY WHO WANTS TO SNORT THE PILLOW, AND BRIDE OF
SNORTENSTEIN.
>> THE BEST, IS YET, TO COME!
>> Stephen: WELL, SHE WAS RIGHT.
BUT MORE ON THAT LATER.
THEN CAME THE DEBATES.
THE PRESIDENT'S STRATEGY WAS TO MAKE SURE THERE WOULD BE NO
DEBATE BY INTERRUPTING EVERYTHING THAT--
>> I'M THE ONE WHO BROUGHT BACK FOOTBALL.
>> Stephen: HEY, I WAS STILL TALKING!
JOE, HELP ME OUT HERE.
>> WILL YOU SHUT UP, MAN?
>> Stephen: REMINDS ME OF THE IMMORTAL WORDS OF RONALD REAGAN:
>> MR. GORBACHEV, SHUT YOUR DIRTY LITTLE MOUTH!
>> Stephen: THEN, AFTER MONTHS OF CLAIMING THE PANDEMIC WOULD
JUST GO AWAY AND REFUSING TO SOCIALLY DISTANCE OR WEAR A
MASK, THE THINKABLE HAPPENED: THE PRESIDENT TESTED POSITIVE
FOR CORONAVIRUS.
WHAT A PLOT TWIST!
IT'S LIKE THE END OF "THE SIXTH SENSE" WHEN YOU REALIZED,
"IT STARRED BRUCE WILLIS THE ENTIRE TIME!"
( MUSIC STING )
POWERFUL STEROID CALLED DEXAMETHASONE.
HOW POWERFUL?
OF A STEROID?
LET THIS DOCTOR EXPLAIN: >> WHEN WE PUT PATIENTS ON
HIGH-DOSE STEROIDS LIKE THAT, WE MONITOR THEM VERY CLOSELY,
BECAUSE THERE'S A HOST OF SIDE EFFECTS, INCLUDING IMPACT ON
THEIR MENTAL HEALTH AND DECISION-MAKING.
>> THE DEXAMETHASONE IS KNOWN TO HAVE A MENTAL HEALTH SIDE
EFFECTS.
IT CAN CAUSE PSYCHOSIS.
IT CAN CAUSE DELIRIUM.
IT CAN CAUSE MANIA.
>> Stephen: IT WAS PRETTY SCARY KNOWING THAT THE PERSON WITH THE
NUCLEAR CODES MIGHT BE SUFFERING FROM PSYCHOSIS, DELIRIUM, AND
MANIA.
AND THEN THEY GAVE HIM DEXAMETHASONE.
♪ " GROOVE IS IN THE HEART" ♪ >> SLAMAGEDDON!
>> Stephen: AFTER A FEW DAYS AT WALTER REED, THE PRESIDENT
EMERGED FROM THE HOSPITAL, LANDED ON THE WHITE HOUSE LAWN,
CLIMBED THE STEPS, AND HEROICALLY REMOVED HIS MASK.
IT REMINDED ME OF WHEN PRESIDENT ROOSEVELT, CONFRONTED WITH THE
GROWING MENACE OF FASCISM, ROSE FROM HIS WHEELCHAIR AND GAVE
HIS ENTIRE CABINET POLIO.
FINALLY, WE MADE IT TO ELECTION DAY.
EARLY IN THE EVENING, TRUMP WON FLORIDA, BUT MANY OF THE OTHER
SWING STATES REMAINED TOO CLOSE TO CALL.
AS THE WEE HOURS CRAWLED ON, THINGS LOOKED INCREASINGLY
BETTER FOR BIDEN.
BUT THEN, AT 2:30 A.M., THE PRESIDENT APPEARED BEFORE THE
CAMERAS TO MAKE AN ODD CLAIM.
>> WE WERE GETTING READY TO WIN THIS ELECTION.
FRANKLY, WE DID WIN THIS ELECTION.
>> Stephen: OF COURSE, YOU CAN'T JUST DECLARE YOURSELF THE WINNER
BEFORE THE VOTES HAVE BEEN COUNTED.
THAT'S WHY THERE AREN'T T-SHIRTS THAT SAY "SAN FRANCISCO 49ers
2020 SUPER BOWL CHAMPS" WITH 2:24 LEFT IN THE THIRD QUARTER.
NOW, DESPITE THE PRESIDENT'S BEST EFFORTS, WE KEPT COUNTING
THE VOTES, AND THE SATURDAY AFTER THE ELECTION, AT AROUND
NOON, ALL THE MAJOR NETWORKS CALLED THE RACE FOR BIDEN.
AND PEOPLE POURED INTO THE STREETS TO CELEBRATE, FROM TIMES
SQUARE TO DENVER TO MIAMI TO CROWDS IN FRONT OF THE WHITE
HOUSE.
♪ Y-M-C-A IT'S FUN TO STAY AT THE
♪ Y-M-C-A ♪ >> Stephen: WHICH IS A
SURPRISING WAY TO CELEBRATE A BIDEN WIN, BECAUSE HE IS MANY
THINGS, BUT NOT A-- ♪ YOUNG MAN
NO, HE IS 78 ♪ HE'S NOT A YOUNG MAN
BUT STILL HE LOOKS PRETTY GREAT THE PRESIDENT IMMEDIATELY
REFUSED TO CONCEDE AND STARTED A SLOW-MOTION COUP, AIDED AND
ABETTED BY PRESIDENTIAL LAWYER AND MAN WHO COMES PRE-ZOMBIED,
RUDY GIULIANI.
ON THE VERY DAY THE RACE WAS CALLED FOR BIDEN, RUDY HELD AN
INSANE PRESS CONFERENCE IN PHILADELPHIA AT THE FOUR
SEASONS...
TOTAL LANDSCAPING, WHICH WAS BETWEEN A CREMATORIUM AND AN
ADULT VIDEO STORE.
THAT STORE, OF COURSE, WAS THE MARRIOT MARQUIS DE SADE SEX
SHOP.
GIULIANI'S CONSPIRACY-FUELED, PARANOID RANT WOULD GO DOWN AS
THE MOST EMBARRASSING LEGAL PRESS CONFERENCE IN HISTORY--
UNTIL TWO WEEKS LATER, WHEN HIS HEAD MELTED.
BUT 2020 WASN'T ALL BAD NEWS.
ALTHOUGH, TO BE FAIR, IT WAS MOSTLY BAD NEWS.
BUT THEN, IN MID-NOVEMBER, WE LEARNED THAT TWO DIFFERENT
COMPANIES HAD A CORONAVIRUS VACCINE THAT WAS 95% EFFECTIVE
IN CLINICAL TRIALS.
THAT IS HUGE!
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?
HOLD ON.
IF THERE'S TWO COMPANIES...
AND THEY'RE EACH 95% EFFECTIVE...
THAT MEANS...
GIVE ME ONE!
I DON'T CARE WHAT'S IN IT.
JUST POKE ME WITH SOMETHING SO I CAN GO TO A BAR AGAIN!
I MISS THE LITTLE CUP OF NUTS!
ANYWAY, THAT'S IT.
THAT'S MY LAST MONOLOGUE OF 2020.
WE DID IT!
I'D SINCERELY LIKE TO THANK EVERYBODY WHO MADE THE SHOW
POSSIBLE THIS YEAR-- THE NETWORK FOR ALL THEIR SUPPORT,
THE STAFF, THE CREW-- BUT MOSTLY, I'D LIKE TO THANK
YOU, MY VIEWERS.
BECAUSE THE ONLY WAY WE COULD HAVE MADE IT THROUGH THIS YEAR
IS TOGETHER-- AS FAR APART AS POSSIBLE.
I'LL SEE YOU IN 2021.
AND FOR THE NEXT HOUR, BECAUSE OH, HAVE WE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR
YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUEST IS GEORGE CLOONEY.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, YOU'LL SEE THE WORLD PREMURE OF MY NEW
HOLIDAY CARTOON.
STICK AROUND.
♪ ♪ ♪